Afterwards

Originally posted on my Friendster blog on 24 November 2006.

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done with my qualifying exams finally. this afternoon, i did the oral defense of my research proposal, which was the third and final component of the series of exams i had to go through so i could go on with the program. i was such a nervous wreck before, during, and even after the defense--such a wreck that if my supervisor had burned her fingers, it would have been totally my fault. but anyway, going back, i think, despite my being a wreck, the defense went pretty well. i did my little powerpoint presentation, was asked some questions, and got some very useful and valuable feedback. i also realized this afternoon that the really serious work is just beginning and there's just so much of it that needs to be done.

basically, my panel told me to ditch one component of my proposal, the component i'm familiar with, the one i've been trained in, the one i've worked so hard for over the last few years of my life, and just focus on the other, the component that i don't really know how to do and i'm just actually beginning to get some handle on. i know what has motivated this advice, of course: the other component is really the more interesting one, the one that has potential to be, well, groundbreaking (which i've been told over and over is one of the basic minimum requirements for phd level work). naturally, it's also the more difficult direction to take, especially since it's not really the kind of thing i'm used to doing.

actually, i sort of knew this would come up in the defense. and i knew, at some point, i would have to move out of my comfort zone. i told my panel as much. i told them the direction they were leading me to was just too much of an unknown territory, and i was actually terrified to be going there. one of them said that if i didn't want to go there to begin with, i wouldn't have made it part of the proposal at all. the two others assured me it was part of the whole process, and most everybody would go through the same thing. i guess there's no postponing it now.

i really started out thinking that after my proposal defense, i'd be out celebrating and i'd just be happy it was over. okay, i did celebrate. i went out and had a really nice (and cheap too!) pizza and pasta dinner in this out-of-the-way hawker place on alexandra road, which my flatmates recently discovered. and, okay, i'm happy it's over. at least for now. see, that's the thing: i'm just too aware of the fact that very soon i've to start working again that i can't relax.

i guess i just couldn't help but remember and compare what i did after i passed my ma proposal defense. i was out until the wee hours of the morning, happily getting smashed and not at all concerned about the work ahead. my pizza and pasta dinner, though i enjoyed it very much, seems to pale in comparison. then again, i haven't been drunk (tipsy, yes, but that's different) in almost a year, so maybe something else is going on. i'm thinking it must be because i'm much older now, and thus:

1. i'm more serious about work and actually invested in what i do (hee!)
2. i'd rather spend my time having a nice, quiet dinner than getting drunk senseless and making a fool myself
3. recovering from hangovers has become quite a feat, so it's better to avoid occasions leading to such
4. i tire rather easily now
5. i'd rather youtube and widen my horizons

i think i can give a few more consequences of aging, but long story short: oh, the few years it takes for wild child to turn to old lady. which is another story and totally not the point of this post, and i don't really know how i got there, so to get back on track:

i was telling my flatmates earlier that it was just so anti-climactic. i'd been waiting for this moment the whole semester. when it finally happened, it didn't really feel as if i accomplished very much. it felt like it was just a thing i had to do, and i did it, and now, i'd have to move on to other things. oh, i don't know. what was i expecting anyway? qualifying exams are really just that after all: something one has to go through, so one can move on to the real deal. and the real deal will be tough. so i might as well stop agonizing over this and spend my energies reconciling with the fact that there's no going back now.