I found out tonight that Robert de Beaugrande passed away a few days ago. I don't know him personally, of course, and he's not exactly one of the critics/theorists whose works I've been reading (and going crazy over, both in a good and/or bad way) for the past few years. He, however, holds a special place in my linguistic education.
I suppose I owe my knowledge of de Beaugrande first and foremost to Ubaldo Stecconi, the teacher who introduced de Beaugrande's work to me. I have to admit, I didn't quite understand what it was about at that time. I remember getting a photocopy of some text, which seemed more like an outline to me than an essay. It was talking about the seven standards of textuality. (If you clicked on the link and went as far as Chapter 1, which was the chapter given to us, then you can see what I mean. I believe the online copy is exactly the same as my photocopy; only it was reformatted for online consumption.) All I knew was I liked the notion of 'intertextuality', the seventh and the last standard, a lot, though I'm quite sure I didn't quite grasp what it really meant.
I thought part of the reason I couldn't get it was the text itself. It didn't seem reader-friendly. Another reason could be that I was perhaps too distracted by our teacher, Ubaldo Stecconi, who would go to class with shirt unbuttoned and sleeves rolled up, complaining of the heat in this strange yet charming Italian accent, and who would look at your face so intently you'd forget he was your teacher. Or I thought it had to do with my not getting Ferdinand de Saussure. Before de Beaugrande, Stecconi made us read parts of Saussure's Course in General Linguistics. I read about the train arriving at the same time every day on that same platform. To the passenger, it was the same train, but really, it was not the same train. I read about the chain of signification and binary oppositions, and the world tilted a little bit and I was lost. (Little did I know back then that things were bound to become even more complicated. Had I known, I wouldn't have complained so much.)
Much later, when I had discovered discourse analysis and critical discourse analysis, when discourse had begun to hold such fascination for me, I realized the reason I couldn't get de Beaugrande before was simple: I wasn't ready. It was the first semester of my sophomore year. During my first year, I did all GE courses. The only core course I had taken was English 100, and I took it during the summer. And English 100 was an introductory course. It was basically a smorgasbord of linguistic theories and things ranging from phonology to morphology to syntax to semantics--but never really reaching discourse. Back then, there was no discourse analysis class, and discourse didn't really mean anything much.
Of course, many of the issues that de Beaugrande raised in his text linguistics are problematic in today's context. (As I said, things just become more and more complicated as you go along.) But to me, his work remains a very good introduction to the study of discourse and will be useful to anyone who's interested in studying it. I remember the fun my students and I had, when in teaching de Beaugrande's standards of textuality, I made them analyze Jose Garcia Villa's 'The Emperor's New Clothes' and 'The Bashful One' using these standards. Imagine a blank page with only the title 'The Emperor's New Clothes' or some squiggly mark hiding on the page and proclaiming itself a poem called 'The Bashful One'. It doesn't even have to be literary. It can be a commonplace sign, just like what de Beaugrande used:
SLOW
CHILDREN
AT PLAY
According to his obituary, de Beaugrande had a flamboyant personality. Of course, I didn't know that about him. What I know though is this: his is the first work that made me realize language can be analyzed as discourse--as one whole chunk of something--and in a way that is somewhat systematic and according to certain criteria. Yes, I'd been doing it long before, in literature classes, for one. I'd been doing it with friends and loved ones, even strangers, deciphering meanings from one conversation to the next. But within linguistics, then it would have to be him.
Showing posts with label school. Show all posts
Showing posts with label school. Show all posts
20 February 2008
Yes, I'm Back--from Outer Space
Well, not really outer space, but it did feel like it, given how long I'd been gone. I've sort of missed this place/space actually. Good thing is? I'm back. :-)
Anyhoo, I suppose, YOU are right: I am not a real blogger. That long hiatus is proof enough. Then again, I never made any claims that I was a real blogger anyway, or a blogger even, so there: YOU are not right. Hee!
So where have I been? I suppose, since this is my first blog in, like, months (2?3?) and my first blog for the year, I'll just give a recap of the various shenanigans (I'm sure there's a better word than this, but I like the word 'shenanigans,' I really do, and I really want to use it right now) I managed to get myself into the last few months.
Remember I went to Bangkok for a conference? Well, besides the conference, I also got to do quite a number of things there:
Touch a tiger--well, more of stand there actually with Mel (hehe) while Fama touched it
Ride an elephant--what fun it would have been if the elephant were pink (i know, super obscure reference)
Play with the fish
Swim with the sharks
And get cozy with the jelly fish
There were also amazing sights to behold:
The smaller version of the Reclining Buddha in Ayutthaya--and me
An old wat in Ayutthaya
The Headless Buddhas, also in Ayutthaya
Me with the Headless Buddhas
Wat Arun
Still at Wat Arun
The Golden Mount
Where I went up, up, up
Only to get 'burned' by a bell
Oh, I also got to light an incense in a wat close to the Golden Mount--the name of which I have forgotten
The Reclining Buddha--still can't get over how huge it is!
See how small I am compared to it?
And then there was a whole lot of shopping:
And lots of coffee in the middle of Cha Tu Chak:
And the money shot--and I did it only because of my interest in globalization studies, specifically the McDonaldization of culture, and not because I'm just really, well, juvenile--doing a sawatdee with good ole Ronald
Lest you don't believe now that there was actually a conference, after seeing all these pics, here's some proof:
One of the talks I attended, with other delegates from UP
My talk--hee!
And remember last time I was talking about getting myself a pic with this super big person in cda, Teun van Dijk, who would be at the conference as well? Well, here it is:
He's the guy in the rather-boring-but-very-relaxed-and-laidback-looking brown ensemble. Kinda cute, no?! Hee! I wasn't able to manage a pic with just the two of us. I couldn't get the nerve to ask him. This one actually happened only because of the other people in the pic (shoutout to the beautiful ladies of DECL!). I was so close to him while he was doing his plenary talk, like 2 to 3 feet away, that I could actually touch him if I just extended my arms. (I know, I know, my arms are not that long, but you get what I mean. Hehe.) I was a bit late getting to the conference on the first day (not my fault, ok? the shuttle's!), and as a consequence, I had to sit in front of the hall. His talk? Not great, but it was great to see him deliver it. Or maybe I'm saying this, because I wasn't really paying attention to what he was saying, as I was so busy smiling and trying to contain myself. :-)
It's not really a crush or anything like that. No, I don't think so. It's just, you know, meeting someone you never thought you'd meet, that you thought you'd only get to read, and whose works you really liked at some point in your life. That's exciting, right? Does that make sense? I also got to meet Prof Edwin Thumboo (also in the pic, far right) in the conference. I read some of his poems in some Comparative Lit classes when I was an undergrad, and I've heard lots of stories about him being this high profile professor of NUS and buddy of PMM. All I can say is, the man deserves all the glowing things I've heard about him.
Anyway, this is already longer than I thought it would be--and this is only Bangkok. Still so much to cover. I suppose I'll just continue this recap of sorts some other time. Oh, and it's nice to be back in here. :-)
Anyhoo, I suppose, YOU are right: I am not a real blogger. That long hiatus is proof enough. Then again, I never made any claims that I was a real blogger anyway, or a blogger even, so there: YOU are not right. Hee!
So where have I been? I suppose, since this is my first blog in, like, months (2?3?) and my first blog for the year, I'll just give a recap of the various shenanigans (I'm sure there's a better word than this, but I like the word 'shenanigans,' I really do, and I really want to use it right now) I managed to get myself into the last few months.
Remember I went to Bangkok for a conference? Well, besides the conference, I also got to do quite a number of things there:
Touch a tiger--well, more of stand there actually with Mel (hehe) while Fama touched it
Ride an elephant--what fun it would have been if the elephant were pink (i know, super obscure reference)
Play with the fish
Swim with the sharks
And get cozy with the jelly fish
There were also amazing sights to behold:
The smaller version of the Reclining Buddha in Ayutthaya--and me
An old wat in Ayutthaya
The Headless Buddhas, also in Ayutthaya
Me with the Headless Buddhas
Wat Arun
Still at Wat Arun
The Golden Mount
Where I went up, up, up
Only to get 'burned' by a bell
Oh, I also got to light an incense in a wat close to the Golden Mount--the name of which I have forgotten
The Reclining Buddha--still can't get over how huge it is!
See how small I am compared to it?
And then there was a whole lot of shopping:
And lots of coffee in the middle of Cha Tu Chak:
And the money shot--and I did it only because of my interest in globalization studies, specifically the McDonaldization of culture, and not because I'm just really, well, juvenile--doing a sawatdee with good ole Ronald
Lest you don't believe now that there was actually a conference, after seeing all these pics, here's some proof:
One of the talks I attended, with other delegates from UP
My talk--hee!
And remember last time I was talking about getting myself a pic with this super big person in cda, Teun van Dijk, who would be at the conference as well? Well, here it is:
He's the guy in the rather-boring-but-very-relaxed-and-laidback-looking brown ensemble. Kinda cute, no?! Hee! I wasn't able to manage a pic with just the two of us. I couldn't get the nerve to ask him. This one actually happened only because of the other people in the pic (shoutout to the beautiful ladies of DECL!). I was so close to him while he was doing his plenary talk, like 2 to 3 feet away, that I could actually touch him if I just extended my arms. (I know, I know, my arms are not that long, but you get what I mean. Hehe.) I was a bit late getting to the conference on the first day (not my fault, ok? the shuttle's!), and as a consequence, I had to sit in front of the hall. His talk? Not great, but it was great to see him deliver it. Or maybe I'm saying this, because I wasn't really paying attention to what he was saying, as I was so busy smiling and trying to contain myself. :-)
It's not really a crush or anything like that. No, I don't think so. It's just, you know, meeting someone you never thought you'd meet, that you thought you'd only get to read, and whose works you really liked at some point in your life. That's exciting, right? Does that make sense? I also got to meet Prof Edwin Thumboo (also in the pic, far right) in the conference. I read some of his poems in some Comparative Lit classes when I was an undergrad, and I've heard lots of stories about him being this high profile professor of NUS and buddy of PMM. All I can say is, the man deserves all the glowing things I've heard about him.
Anyway, this is already longer than I thought it would be--and this is only Bangkok. Still so much to cover. I suppose I'll just continue this recap of sorts some other time. Oh, and it's nice to be back in here. :-)
26 November 2007
On Being An Adult (Then Again, Maybe Not)
There. I just emailed my supervisor to let her now I'm not taking it. 'It' means an opportunity to be in Canada early next year (beginning in either January or March) for 4 to 6 months to connect with scholars in the University of Toronto and do my work from there. It means a sizable stipend, on top of what I'm getting now. It means a chance to get to know another culture, meet other kinds of people, and experience, at least 2 of the seasons again.
Why am I not taking it? I'd like to think it's because I'm being an adult about the whole thing. Taking this opportunity will take a lot from me. There's paperwork, making arrangements for my stuff here, setting up a new place there--all of which should be accomplished within a short period of time. Then, there are the other specific concerns: which books do I pack, which clothes, what kind of clothes, would I have friends there, would it be easy to go around town, how does the library work, etc, etc. I suppose it's just too much for a rather short stay, and it may not be worth it.
I also don't want to get distracted at this point in my life. As it is, I'm already distracted--by the Bangkok conference, Christmas, buying gifts, thoughts of going home, the little everyday things--and this is going to be a major distraction. My fear is that, I won't be able to do any work at all, because there would always be something needing my attention. Moreover, I'm already between countries. I suppose I don't want to add a third one and make things even more complicated.
But these are just, well, inconveniences, right? There has to be an academic reason. Well, I also did a bit of research on the University of Toronto, and while it has good academic programs, the scholars I want and need to meet and talk to are not there. But even if they were there, I'm also at that stage in my work where I need to figure things out on my own and for myself first, so connecting with other scholars is not really a priority right now. I suppose I just don't want to go out there with half-baked ideas and poorly constructed arguments.
So a new country and a sizable stipend and seasons notwithstanding, I have decided to pass this one up. There will be other opportunities later on. Preferably, in the UK and in the fall. :)
Why am I not taking it? I'd like to think it's because I'm being an adult about the whole thing. Taking this opportunity will take a lot from me. There's paperwork, making arrangements for my stuff here, setting up a new place there--all of which should be accomplished within a short period of time. Then, there are the other specific concerns: which books do I pack, which clothes, what kind of clothes, would I have friends there, would it be easy to go around town, how does the library work, etc, etc. I suppose it's just too much for a rather short stay, and it may not be worth it.
I also don't want to get distracted at this point in my life. As it is, I'm already distracted--by the Bangkok conference, Christmas, buying gifts, thoughts of going home, the little everyday things--and this is going to be a major distraction. My fear is that, I won't be able to do any work at all, because there would always be something needing my attention. Moreover, I'm already between countries. I suppose I don't want to add a third one and make things even more complicated.
But these are just, well, inconveniences, right? There has to be an academic reason. Well, I also did a bit of research on the University of Toronto, and while it has good academic programs, the scholars I want and need to meet and talk to are not there. But even if they were there, I'm also at that stage in my work where I need to figure things out on my own and for myself first, so connecting with other scholars is not really a priority right now. I suppose I just don't want to go out there with half-baked ideas and poorly constructed arguments.
So a new country and a sizable stipend and seasons notwithstanding, I have decided to pass this one up. There will be other opportunities later on. Preferably, in the UK and in the fall. :)
21 November 2007
On Invigilating
I'm so glad things are back to normal today--that is, I didn't have to wake up at 7am to get to a 9am Invigilators' Briefing. What is an Invigilators' Briefing, you may ask. To start off, the word 'Invigilator' needs to be defined. Towards the end of my first sem here in NUS, I got an email from the Department's AO (admin officer) asking me when I could invigilate. My first reaction was panic (my usual reaction actually in most cases, hehe), because I didn't know what the word meant, and being in a super-strict context (and being paranoid, hehe), I thought I did something wrong such that I needed to invigilate. Also, the word didn't sound like a happy word; it sounded like a bad, ominous word.
I suppose I should have consulted the dictionary then, but no. I emailed someone who was also a graduate of the program and was also an RS (research scholar--because only those with scholarships are asked to invigilate; not that it's a privilege, it's actually an obligation), and asked him what it meant. Probably detecting my anxiety, he emailed back right away and assured me that everything was ok, that 'to invigilate' only meant 'to proctor.' Turned out I didn't do anything wrong, but that I was right about the word being 'bad' or 'ominous.' Proctoring, or in this case, invigilating, is probably one of the most tedious activities in the world. (If you've ever done proctoring for the UPCAT, you'll know what I mean.)
My thought at this point though: Oh, ok, but why make it difficult? Just call it 'proctoring,' instead of 'invigilating.' Then I thought: 'Different country, different terms.' There are other terms here that are a bit different from the ones I'm used to. For instance, review (e.g., to 'review' for an exam) is called revision (e.g., most teachers would devote the last day of class to 'revision'); modules for subjects; 'a paper' instead of 'a final exam' (e.g., a classmate once asked me a few minutes before a final exam, "Is this your last paper?" to which I said "Yeah," which is my standard answer for questions I don't understand, hehe); and Uni for campus--all these, of course, are nothing compared to the 'invigilate' vs 'proctor' example.
So, an invigilator is a proctor. :) Having clarified that, an Invigilators' Briefing is an orientation of sorts for those RSs who have been assigned invigilation duties. For the most part, I really don't mind attending the briefing, even if I have done so several times, even if the same things are said and the same jokes are made every time, because I look forward to the chocolate eclairs that are usually served after the briefing. Those chocolate eclairs are good, and they come in minis, so they also look rather cute. :) When they scheduled the briefing this semester at 9am though, I wasn't sure the eclairs would be a good enough incentive to wake up that early (especially since I just had them about a week ago in a couple of lectures I attended, hee!). But since I didn't have a choice and I had to go anyway, I thought, "Oh, ok, at least, I'd have a treat after the briefing."
Spotting the refreshment table as I made my way to the the lecture hall, I saw that there were indeed eclairs. Nice! When I finally got to the eclairs plate after the briefing though, they were all gone. Actually, as I was nearing the plate, I saw the last person ever to have eclairs that morning, and she was getting two, she was getting the last two, of those little delights. And I was so close, and I couldn't stop her. Grrr! As I looked around later, I saw that some people had three or four! Hmph. It took all of my willpower not to grab those eclairs off their plates. I suppose the others come for the eclairs, too. Sigh. My realization: I better be faster in queuing up for the food next time.
P.S. I just realized I still haven't looked up the meaning of 'invigilate' after all this time. So I'll do it now. Done. And here it is:
invigilate
Main Entry:
in·vig·i·late
Pronunciation:
\in-ˈvi-jə-ˌlāt\
Function:
verb
Inflected Form(s):
in·vig·i·lat·ed; in·vig·i·lat·ing
Etymology:
Latin invigilatus, past participle of invigilare to stay awake, be watchful, from in- + vigilare to stay awake — more at vigilant
Date:
1553
intransitive verb: to keep watch; especially British : to supervise students at an examinationtransitive verb: supervise, monitor
— in·vig·i·la·tion \-ˌvi-jə-ˈlā-shən\ noun
— in·vig·i·la·tor \-ˈvi-jə-ˌlā-tər\ noun
-from Merriam-Webster Online
I suppose I should have consulted the dictionary then, but no. I emailed someone who was also a graduate of the program and was also an RS (research scholar--because only those with scholarships are asked to invigilate; not that it's a privilege, it's actually an obligation), and asked him what it meant. Probably detecting my anxiety, he emailed back right away and assured me that everything was ok, that 'to invigilate' only meant 'to proctor.' Turned out I didn't do anything wrong, but that I was right about the word being 'bad' or 'ominous.' Proctoring, or in this case, invigilating, is probably one of the most tedious activities in the world. (If you've ever done proctoring for the UPCAT, you'll know what I mean.)
My thought at this point though: Oh, ok, but why make it difficult? Just call it 'proctoring,' instead of 'invigilating.' Then I thought: 'Different country, different terms.' There are other terms here that are a bit different from the ones I'm used to. For instance, review (e.g., to 'review' for an exam) is called revision (e.g., most teachers would devote the last day of class to 'revision'); modules for subjects; 'a paper' instead of 'a final exam' (e.g., a classmate once asked me a few minutes before a final exam, "Is this your last paper?" to which I said "Yeah," which is my standard answer for questions I don't understand, hehe); and Uni for campus--all these, of course, are nothing compared to the 'invigilate' vs 'proctor' example.
So, an invigilator is a proctor. :) Having clarified that, an Invigilators' Briefing is an orientation of sorts for those RSs who have been assigned invigilation duties. For the most part, I really don't mind attending the briefing, even if I have done so several times, even if the same things are said and the same jokes are made every time, because I look forward to the chocolate eclairs that are usually served after the briefing. Those chocolate eclairs are good, and they come in minis, so they also look rather cute. :) When they scheduled the briefing this semester at 9am though, I wasn't sure the eclairs would be a good enough incentive to wake up that early (especially since I just had them about a week ago in a couple of lectures I attended, hee!). But since I didn't have a choice and I had to go anyway, I thought, "Oh, ok, at least, I'd have a treat after the briefing."
Spotting the refreshment table as I made my way to the the lecture hall, I saw that there were indeed eclairs. Nice! When I finally got to the eclairs plate after the briefing though, they were all gone. Actually, as I was nearing the plate, I saw the last person ever to have eclairs that morning, and she was getting two, she was getting the last two, of those little delights. And I was so close, and I couldn't stop her. Grrr! As I looked around later, I saw that some people had three or four! Hmph. It took all of my willpower not to grab those eclairs off their plates. I suppose the others come for the eclairs, too. Sigh. My realization: I better be faster in queuing up for the food next time.
P.S. I just realized I still haven't looked up the meaning of 'invigilate' after all this time. So I'll do it now. Done. And here it is:
invigilate
Main Entry:
in·vig·i·late
Pronunciation:
\in-ˈvi-jə-ˌlāt\
Function:
verb
Inflected Form(s):
in·vig·i·lat·ed; in·vig·i·lat·ing
Etymology:
Latin invigilatus, past participle of invigilare to stay awake, be watchful, from in- + vigilare to stay awake — more at vigilant
Date:
1553
intransitive verb: to keep watch; especially British : to supervise students at an examinationtransitive verb: supervise, monitor
— in·vig·i·la·tion \-ˌvi-jə-ˈlā-shən\ noun
— in·vig·i·la·tor \-ˈvi-jə-ˌlā-tər\ noun
-from Merriam-Webster Online
20 November 2007
Yipee!
I finally got the copy of the book in which my article appears. Hee! :)
It actually arrived last Wednesday, but I was not around to receive it, so I had to have it sent to the post office closest to our place (just across the street from our flat, hehe) and pick it up there. So I got the book this afternoon, and it was just so awesome seeing my name on there that I had to allow myself a foolish smile first, before I could move on to my next errand for the day.
Please note that among the contributors to the anthology, I’m the only one who doesn’t have a PhD, so if you find something problematic in my essay, or if you think it’s the worst essay in the bunch, that’s all I have to say to you. Hehe.
Anyhoo, here's the promised table of contents. I am second to the last on this list. :-) (The articles are actually quite interesting, if you care to browse. :))
P.S. I haven’t really done any writing today (yet again!), but for some reason, I’m not so worried about it. I’m feeling rather fine. :)
It actually arrived last Wednesday, but I was not around to receive it, so I had to have it sent to the post office closest to our place (just across the street from our flat, hehe) and pick it up there. So I got the book this afternoon, and it was just so awesome seeing my name on there that I had to allow myself a foolish smile first, before I could move on to my next errand for the day.
Please note that among the contributors to the anthology, I’m the only one who doesn’t have a PhD, so if you find something problematic in my essay, or if you think it’s the worst essay in the bunch, that’s all I have to say to you. Hehe.
Anyhoo, here's the promised table of contents. I am second to the last on this list. :-) (The articles are actually quite interesting, if you care to browse. :))
P.S. I haven’t really done any writing today (yet again!), but for some reason, I’m not so worried about it. I’m feeling rather fine. :)
18 November 2007
On Not Being Able to Write and the Sound of Doom
I'm getting really frustrated with myself right now. I'm just finding it so difficult to write. I've set aside a number of days already--that is, I made no plans to eat out or watch a movie or shop--just so I can start writing and, hopefully, come up with, at the very least, five pages of solid writing. After four days, I still haven't come up with anything. Okay, I did go out last night for McDonald's (hoping that an apple pie and/or a chocolate sundae would cheer me up enough to write) and some Christmas shopping (because there was this store right in front of me with some really nice stuff), and yes, I've been spending more time on Facebook and particular addictions (aka applications) than I should, but that's only because it's become quite annoying staring at a blank page, especially since I've been doing it for hours. (I suppose the recent savagery--meaning, increased frequency--of my Slayer, Werewolf, Vampire, and Zombie attacks can be attributed to this frustration as well.)
I have to admit that last week and early this week, I wasn't really trying very hard to write. What hurts is that, in the past few days, I've been trying really hard, and yet, I just can't seem to make myself write. I'll start with one sentence, read it, delete it, start all over again. At one point, I got to write one full paragraph. It took me about three hours to write it. Right now though, that paragraph is in my Deleted file, because it doesn't sound academic enough (whatever that means!). My hope is that, with some choice of word upgrade, it'll find its way in the text somehow, so I won't feel so bad about it. I've always known that I find it difficult to start writing. It takes me hours, sometimes even days, to warm up, but it's been especially hard this time around.
I'm writing two papers: one for a conference presentation (and I hope, for the conference proceedings) and another for a journal. This means that I have an abstract for both, which means that I do know what it is I need to do and write. As I have laid out the arguments and specified the data and methodology in the abstracts, and as I have gone over my ideas in my head again and again, I shouldn't have such a hard time coming up with something. But there you go.
Both papers aren't due until the end of the year. (My presentation for the conference is actually on 13 Dec, but I'm not too worried about it. I mean, the presentation won't need the coherence and tightness that a paper entails.) I suppose this means I have time. But, see, if I'm not able to write right now, what more when the holiday season begins in full swing?! I'll be too busy, too distracted, too full, and too inebriated by then, so I really have to start coming up with something soon.
I remember the advice of my research methods lecturer: "Don't ever submit an abstract for a paper which you still haven't written." I don't really agree, but it totally applies in this case. It doesn't help that booming sounds of thunder can be heard right now. Ahhh, the sound of doom!
I have to admit that last week and early this week, I wasn't really trying very hard to write. What hurts is that, in the past few days, I've been trying really hard, and yet, I just can't seem to make myself write. I'll start with one sentence, read it, delete it, start all over again. At one point, I got to write one full paragraph. It took me about three hours to write it. Right now though, that paragraph is in my Deleted file, because it doesn't sound academic enough (whatever that means!). My hope is that, with some choice of word upgrade, it'll find its way in the text somehow, so I won't feel so bad about it. I've always known that I find it difficult to start writing. It takes me hours, sometimes even days, to warm up, but it's been especially hard this time around.
I'm writing two papers: one for a conference presentation (and I hope, for the conference proceedings) and another for a journal. This means that I have an abstract for both, which means that I do know what it is I need to do and write. As I have laid out the arguments and specified the data and methodology in the abstracts, and as I have gone over my ideas in my head again and again, I shouldn't have such a hard time coming up with something. But there you go.
Both papers aren't due until the end of the year. (My presentation for the conference is actually on 13 Dec, but I'm not too worried about it. I mean, the presentation won't need the coherence and tightness that a paper entails.) I suppose this means I have time. But, see, if I'm not able to write right now, what more when the holiday season begins in full swing?! I'll be too busy, too distracted, too full, and too inebriated by then, so I really have to start coming up with something soon.
I remember the advice of my research methods lecturer: "Don't ever submit an abstract for a paper which you still haven't written." I don't really agree, but it totally applies in this case. It doesn't help that booming sounds of thunder can be heard right now. Ahhh, the sound of doom!
13 November 2007
The NUS Exam Wellness Pack
Since I started my grad work here in NUS in 2005, I'd been receiving notifications for the NUS Exam Wellness Pack (when and where it'd be distributed, a rough description of what the pack included, etc) a week or two before final exams season, but it was only this morning that I was able to get one. I didn't even intentionally get one. I was walking to the Central Library, when I saw a group of students handing out red paper bags to students. As I wallked closer to them, someone approached me and handed me a bag. Though I didn't know what was inside it, but because it was obviously a freebie, well, I took it. Hehe. What can I say? I love freebies--and swag, all kinds! (Hee, been wanting to use that word 'swag' for a long time.)
It was only when I looked in the bag that I realized it was the NUS Exam Wellness Pack. At first I thought it was some Singtel (a huge Singapore telecoms company) promotional merchandise, because the bag had Singtel written all over it. Singtel was probably a sponsor, because there were a number of things inside that had the Singtel logo as well. Oh, well, anyway, you can see for yourself. Behold the NUS Exam Wellness Pack:
So, there's a plastic folder, a notebook, a notepad, a pen (not in the pic though, because I couldn't find it), a can of coffee, a pack of teh tarik, a pack of nuts, some cheese crackers, gum, a travel size facial wash for men (I wonder why it's specifically for men), and a travel size neck and shoulder rub. While the tag line 'Exercise Your Right to Free Speech' may sound really exciting and revolutionary vis-a-vis the local context, please do not think it has any real critical edge to it. If you look more closely, you'll actually find it's tied to 'With Free Campus Calls.' I mentioned earlier that Singtel is probably one of the sponsors for this pack, right? So, there you go. Then again, it ('Exercise Your Right to Free Speech With Free Campus Calls') is a really good copy, I think, and the copy's sentiment--without the free campus calls bit, that is--seems to work very well with the color of the material, which is also Singtel's color.
Overall, I think the exam wellness pack is quite useful, though I have to admit, I don't have anything to compare it to. This is the first time I've ever gotten one. Actually, when I first received a notification for it way back, I was surprised. Can you imagine a UP Exam Wellness Pack?! I think not. Hehe. I don't know if Virginia Tech, the other school I went to for my MA, has something like this, as I never took final exams there. Come to think of it, it was also kind of surprising at first when I found out I had to take final exams for my grad work here. Then again, I'd been warned that exams were a major deal in Singaporean schools. I suppose the wellness pack is one indication of that. Plus the reading week, plus hours devoted to revision, plus emails of best wishes from deans and lecturers, plus the all-around anxiety that seems to hover on campus during this time, and most of all, plus the fact that some modules assign a full 100% on the final exam, making it the sole basis for one's mark. I suppose, in light of all these, the exam wellness pack is indeed much needed.
It was only when I looked in the bag that I realized it was the NUS Exam Wellness Pack. At first I thought it was some Singtel (a huge Singapore telecoms company) promotional merchandise, because the bag had Singtel written all over it. Singtel was probably a sponsor, because there were a number of things inside that had the Singtel logo as well. Oh, well, anyway, you can see for yourself. Behold the NUS Exam Wellness Pack:
So, there's a plastic folder, a notebook, a notepad, a pen (not in the pic though, because I couldn't find it), a can of coffee, a pack of teh tarik, a pack of nuts, some cheese crackers, gum, a travel size facial wash for men (I wonder why it's specifically for men), and a travel size neck and shoulder rub. While the tag line 'Exercise Your Right to Free Speech' may sound really exciting and revolutionary vis-a-vis the local context, please do not think it has any real critical edge to it. If you look more closely, you'll actually find it's tied to 'With Free Campus Calls.' I mentioned earlier that Singtel is probably one of the sponsors for this pack, right? So, there you go. Then again, it ('Exercise Your Right to Free Speech With Free Campus Calls') is a really good copy, I think, and the copy's sentiment--without the free campus calls bit, that is--seems to work very well with the color of the material, which is also Singtel's color.
Overall, I think the exam wellness pack is quite useful, though I have to admit, I don't have anything to compare it to. This is the first time I've ever gotten one. Actually, when I first received a notification for it way back, I was surprised. Can you imagine a UP Exam Wellness Pack?! I think not. Hehe. I don't know if Virginia Tech, the other school I went to for my MA, has something like this, as I never took final exams there. Come to think of it, it was also kind of surprising at first when I found out I had to take final exams for my grad work here. Then again, I'd been warned that exams were a major deal in Singaporean schools. I suppose the wellness pack is one indication of that. Plus the reading week, plus hours devoted to revision, plus emails of best wishes from deans and lecturers, plus the all-around anxiety that seems to hover on campus during this time, and most of all, plus the fact that some modules assign a full 100% on the final exam, making it the sole basis for one's mark. I suppose, in light of all these, the exam wellness pack is indeed much needed.
12 November 2007
The Promise of the World Wide Web
Got this from a friend over at Facebook. It's really cool, very interesting stuff. You really want to check it out. :)
Overall, I'm very impressed with the presentation. In fact, I'm still reeling from the incredible, amazing experience of watching it unfold the way it did. I really think the Internet, the age of digital information, information technology, or whatever other name it goes by has changed how we process texts and information, how we create and consume knowledge, how we order and make categories--or quite simply, how we read and write. It has indeed the potential to break down hierarchies, topple powerful knowledge regimes, and maybe, even change the world. And I totally believe it has that potential.
But I suppose, at the end of the day, this promise is tied to the issue of access--that is, the promise of the World Wide Web becomes a reality only for those who have access to it. What about thousands of school children in the Philippines who don't even have access to computers, to basic word processing software? How can they possibly hope for the promise of the Internet? What about those poor UP students who can only scrape enough for an hour of Internet use each day, maybe, each week? I suppose, like in all promises, this one comes with certain strings attached, so it cannot be taken at face value. How about you? What do you think?
Overall, I'm very impressed with the presentation. In fact, I'm still reeling from the incredible, amazing experience of watching it unfold the way it did. I really think the Internet, the age of digital information, information technology, or whatever other name it goes by has changed how we process texts and information, how we create and consume knowledge, how we order and make categories--or quite simply, how we read and write. It has indeed the potential to break down hierarchies, topple powerful knowledge regimes, and maybe, even change the world. And I totally believe it has that potential.
But I suppose, at the end of the day, this promise is tied to the issue of access--that is, the promise of the World Wide Web becomes a reality only for those who have access to it. What about thousands of school children in the Philippines who don't even have access to computers, to basic word processing software? How can they possibly hope for the promise of the Internet? What about those poor UP students who can only scrape enough for an hour of Internet use each day, maybe, each week? I suppose, like in all promises, this one comes with certain strings attached, so it cannot be taken at face value. How about you? What do you think?
30 October 2007
Unwell
Originally posted on my Friendster blog on 05 May 2007.
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i'm totally grasping at straws right now. i haven't written a single thing in months. yes, i've written a few abstracts--for prospective conferences, grant application, IRB exemption--and a really long, overdrawn letter for why i was two months late in submitting an application, but as for the real deal? nothing. nothing at all. while i've been reading a lot and commenting (also doodling!) on the margins of my photocopies, i hardly think these activities can be considered real work. and as the conference to which one of my abstracts went is drawing closer and closer, i'm becoming, well, more and more, high-strung. i have an abstract, but i do not have a paper.
i have a 'sort of paper.' it's actually a full paper, which i wrote the entirety of about half a year ago and never really gone back to since. i'm saying it's 'a sort of paper' though, because it needs a lot of work, as it is, and specifically in terms of the theme of the conference. when i wrote the abstract, i took out two parts of that full paper and linked them to one part (the theme of the conference), which is yet to be thought about (or imagined) in any serious way--or in any way at all, if i really have to be honest about it. in a sense, since i have two parts of this thing actually out there, it shouldn't take so long to write. however, it's proving very hard now to link these two parts to the one crucial theme-of-conference part. i can't even remember how i made the connection before. i'm also begining to realize there is a HUGE difference between a 200-word abstract and a 12- to 15-page paper, especially with how things are right now.
how are things exactly? i suppose i have PQS. (thanks to an almost post-quals/(QE) student for the link, and good luck to you! hehe.) so anyway, there you go, that's one more site i frequent these days. (i hope you don't enjoy it as much as i do, especially if you have a deadline coming up.) i have to say i haven't done much of the advisor (or in my case, supervisor) avoidance thing, because, at this stage, i need her signature for so many things and she really is pretty cool, but add to this list, at least for me, is an inordinate amount of reality tv--and tv in general. and PQS, they say, is incurable. sigh.
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i'm totally grasping at straws right now. i haven't written a single thing in months. yes, i've written a few abstracts--for prospective conferences, grant application, IRB exemption--and a really long, overdrawn letter for why i was two months late in submitting an application, but as for the real deal? nothing. nothing at all. while i've been reading a lot and commenting (also doodling!) on the margins of my photocopies, i hardly think these activities can be considered real work. and as the conference to which one of my abstracts went is drawing closer and closer, i'm becoming, well, more and more, high-strung. i have an abstract, but i do not have a paper.
i have a 'sort of paper.' it's actually a full paper, which i wrote the entirety of about half a year ago and never really gone back to since. i'm saying it's 'a sort of paper' though, because it needs a lot of work, as it is, and specifically in terms of the theme of the conference. when i wrote the abstract, i took out two parts of that full paper and linked them to one part (the theme of the conference), which is yet to be thought about (or imagined) in any serious way--or in any way at all, if i really have to be honest about it. in a sense, since i have two parts of this thing actually out there, it shouldn't take so long to write. however, it's proving very hard now to link these two parts to the one crucial theme-of-conference part. i can't even remember how i made the connection before. i'm also begining to realize there is a HUGE difference between a 200-word abstract and a 12- to 15-page paper, especially with how things are right now.
how are things exactly? i suppose i have PQS. (thanks to an almost post-quals/(QE) student for the link, and good luck to you! hehe.) so anyway, there you go, that's one more site i frequent these days. (i hope you don't enjoy it as much as i do, especially if you have a deadline coming up.) i have to say i haven't done much of the advisor (or in my case, supervisor) avoidance thing, because, at this stage, i need her signature for so many things and she really is pretty cool, but add to this list, at least for me, is an inordinate amount of reality tv--and tv in general. and PQS, they say, is incurable. sigh.
Afterwards
Originally posted on my Friendster blog on 24 November 2006.
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done with my qualifying exams finally. this afternoon, i did the oral defense of my research proposal, which was the third and final component of the series of exams i had to go through so i could go on with the program. i was such a nervous wreck before, during, and even after the defense--such a wreck that if my supervisor had burned her fingers, it would have been totally my fault. but anyway, going back, i think, despite my being a wreck, the defense went pretty well. i did my little powerpoint presentation, was asked some questions, and got some very useful and valuable feedback. i also realized this afternoon that the really serious work is just beginning and there's just so much of it that needs to be done.
basically, my panel told me to ditch one component of my proposal, the component i'm familiar with, the one i've been trained in, the one i've worked so hard for over the last few years of my life, and just focus on the other, the component that i don't really know how to do and i'm just actually beginning to get some handle on. i know what has motivated this advice, of course: the other component is really the more interesting one, the one that has potential to be, well, groundbreaking (which i've been told over and over is one of the basic minimum requirements for phd level work). naturally, it's also the more difficult direction to take, especially since it's not really the kind of thing i'm used to doing.
actually, i sort of knew this would come up in the defense. and i knew, at some point, i would have to move out of my comfort zone. i told my panel as much. i told them the direction they were leading me to was just too much of an unknown territory, and i was actually terrified to be going there. one of them said that if i didn't want to go there to begin with, i wouldn't have made it part of the proposal at all. the two others assured me it was part of the whole process, and most everybody would go through the same thing. i guess there's no postponing it now.
i really started out thinking that after my proposal defense, i'd be out celebrating and i'd just be happy it was over. okay, i did celebrate. i went out and had a really nice (and cheap too!) pizza and pasta dinner in this out-of-the-way hawker place on alexandra road, which my flatmates recently discovered. and, okay, i'm happy it's over. at least for now. see, that's the thing: i'm just too aware of the fact that very soon i've to start working again that i can't relax.
i guess i just couldn't help but remember and compare what i did after i passed my ma proposal defense. i was out until the wee hours of the morning, happily getting smashed and not at all concerned about the work ahead. my pizza and pasta dinner, though i enjoyed it very much, seems to pale in comparison. then again, i haven't been drunk (tipsy, yes, but that's different) in almost a year, so maybe something else is going on. i'm thinking it must be because i'm much older now, and thus:
1. i'm more serious about work and actually invested in what i do (hee!)
2. i'd rather spend my time having a nice, quiet dinner than getting drunk senseless and making a fool myself
3. recovering from hangovers has become quite a feat, so it's better to avoid occasions leading to such
4. i tire rather easily now
5. i'd rather youtube and widen my horizons
i think i can give a few more consequences of aging, but long story short: oh, the few years it takes for wild child to turn to old lady. which is another story and totally not the point of this post, and i don't really know how i got there, so to get back on track:
i was telling my flatmates earlier that it was just so anti-climactic. i'd been waiting for this moment the whole semester. when it finally happened, it didn't really feel as if i accomplished very much. it felt like it was just a thing i had to do, and i did it, and now, i'd have to move on to other things. oh, i don't know. what was i expecting anyway? qualifying exams are really just that after all: something one has to go through, so one can move on to the real deal. and the real deal will be tough. so i might as well stop agonizing over this and spend my energies reconciling with the fact that there's no going back now.
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done with my qualifying exams finally. this afternoon, i did the oral defense of my research proposal, which was the third and final component of the series of exams i had to go through so i could go on with the program. i was such a nervous wreck before, during, and even after the defense--such a wreck that if my supervisor had burned her fingers, it would have been totally my fault. but anyway, going back, i think, despite my being a wreck, the defense went pretty well. i did my little powerpoint presentation, was asked some questions, and got some very useful and valuable feedback. i also realized this afternoon that the really serious work is just beginning and there's just so much of it that needs to be done.
basically, my panel told me to ditch one component of my proposal, the component i'm familiar with, the one i've been trained in, the one i've worked so hard for over the last few years of my life, and just focus on the other, the component that i don't really know how to do and i'm just actually beginning to get some handle on. i know what has motivated this advice, of course: the other component is really the more interesting one, the one that has potential to be, well, groundbreaking (which i've been told over and over is one of the basic minimum requirements for phd level work). naturally, it's also the more difficult direction to take, especially since it's not really the kind of thing i'm used to doing.
actually, i sort of knew this would come up in the defense. and i knew, at some point, i would have to move out of my comfort zone. i told my panel as much. i told them the direction they were leading me to was just too much of an unknown territory, and i was actually terrified to be going there. one of them said that if i didn't want to go there to begin with, i wouldn't have made it part of the proposal at all. the two others assured me it was part of the whole process, and most everybody would go through the same thing. i guess there's no postponing it now.
i really started out thinking that after my proposal defense, i'd be out celebrating and i'd just be happy it was over. okay, i did celebrate. i went out and had a really nice (and cheap too!) pizza and pasta dinner in this out-of-the-way hawker place on alexandra road, which my flatmates recently discovered. and, okay, i'm happy it's over. at least for now. see, that's the thing: i'm just too aware of the fact that very soon i've to start working again that i can't relax.
i guess i just couldn't help but remember and compare what i did after i passed my ma proposal defense. i was out until the wee hours of the morning, happily getting smashed and not at all concerned about the work ahead. my pizza and pasta dinner, though i enjoyed it very much, seems to pale in comparison. then again, i haven't been drunk (tipsy, yes, but that's different) in almost a year, so maybe something else is going on. i'm thinking it must be because i'm much older now, and thus:
1. i'm more serious about work and actually invested in what i do (hee!)
2. i'd rather spend my time having a nice, quiet dinner than getting drunk senseless and making a fool myself
3. recovering from hangovers has become quite a feat, so it's better to avoid occasions leading to such
4. i tire rather easily now
5. i'd rather youtube and widen my horizons
i think i can give a few more consequences of aging, but long story short: oh, the few years it takes for wild child to turn to old lady. which is another story and totally not the point of this post, and i don't really know how i got there, so to get back on track:
i was telling my flatmates earlier that it was just so anti-climactic. i'd been waiting for this moment the whole semester. when it finally happened, it didn't really feel as if i accomplished very much. it felt like it was just a thing i had to do, and i did it, and now, i'd have to move on to other things. oh, i don't know. what was i expecting anyway? qualifying exams are really just that after all: something one has to go through, so one can move on to the real deal. and the real deal will be tough. so i might as well stop agonizing over this and spend my energies reconciling with the fact that there's no going back now.
Nim Chimpsky
Originally posted on my Friendster blog on 10 September 2006.
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just a little something which i thought was hilarious. as i read through the chapter on animal language in yule's introductory book 'the study of language,' i learned that there was once a chimpanzee named nim chimpsky who was taught sign language. nim chimpsky is, of course, a play on 'noam chomsky,' which happens to be the name of this great american linguist (who changed the course of modern linguistics with the publication of his tranformational-generative theory of language in the 1960s--haha). i wonder if chomsky knows about the existence of nim. probably not, since chomsky, who is not at all concerned with how language is used by humans, probably won't care about how it is used by chimps or if chimps have the capacity for it all. in fact, i believe chomsky also said that the language faculty is uniquely human, so, there, that definitely crosses nim out. poor chimp.
coming back to nim, he was actually able to learn and use sign language, but not to the extent that humans are able to employ it. this means he produces mostly short words and mainly for the purpose of getting rewards (now, isn't this the purpose for humans as well? haha). when he comes up with long structures, it is often a combination of the short words he has already acquired and without any expansion. in addition, he is unable to initiate communication; he just basically responds to those around him. nim is actually one of the many experiments that try to teach animals language. i think the most popular one is the experiment with the chimp called washoe. anyway, given the results of these experiments, it seems chomsky is right that indeed the language faculty is only for humans.
i know i should be getting more from my reading than chimps learning sign language and word plays like nim chimpsky. but this revision process is just so tedious that i guess i just take from it whatever i can. also, with terms and concepts such as [+ - voice] labio-dental fricatives and high, back vowels, phrase structure rules and tree diagrams, hyponymy and entailments, diglossia and speakers' choices, and linguistic variation and social stratification, nim chimpsky is a breath of fresh air. i'd like to think this is all going to stop once i'm done with my exam on thursday, but the thursday exam is actually just the first of a series. there's one more in november and another in december. yay! not.
but i guess i really just have to push myself and start looking at this in a different light. it's probably for my own good to go back to the basics anyway and learn about other things as well. i mean, the problem sometimes is, we go to the higher processes right away when there's still so much grounding that needs to be done in terms of the basic principles. for instance, critiquing chomky's tg when you don't even know what a phrase structure rule is, or doing critical discourse analysis when you can't even begin to explain what discourse means is hardly ideal. or sometimes, people get so specialized they begin to think only their own work matters. they fail to see the interesting things happening in other fields and the interconnections between what they and others are doing. and if these two don't work, i guess i can just always think that, in certain company, saying 'voiced alveo-palatal affricate' to refer to the initial sound in the word 'judge' can increase one's level of desirability (although i'm afraid to imagine what kind of company this is, haha).
alright, that's enough prompting for me in a day. i really should go back to my reading now. i just have to, in the words of the mighty tim gunn, 'carry on!'
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just a little something which i thought was hilarious. as i read through the chapter on animal language in yule's introductory book 'the study of language,' i learned that there was once a chimpanzee named nim chimpsky who was taught sign language. nim chimpsky is, of course, a play on 'noam chomsky,' which happens to be the name of this great american linguist (who changed the course of modern linguistics with the publication of his tranformational-generative theory of language in the 1960s--haha). i wonder if chomsky knows about the existence of nim. probably not, since chomsky, who is not at all concerned with how language is used by humans, probably won't care about how it is used by chimps or if chimps have the capacity for it all. in fact, i believe chomsky also said that the language faculty is uniquely human, so, there, that definitely crosses nim out. poor chimp.
coming back to nim, he was actually able to learn and use sign language, but not to the extent that humans are able to employ it. this means he produces mostly short words and mainly for the purpose of getting rewards (now, isn't this the purpose for humans as well? haha). when he comes up with long structures, it is often a combination of the short words he has already acquired and without any expansion. in addition, he is unable to initiate communication; he just basically responds to those around him. nim is actually one of the many experiments that try to teach animals language. i think the most popular one is the experiment with the chimp called washoe. anyway, given the results of these experiments, it seems chomsky is right that indeed the language faculty is only for humans.
i know i should be getting more from my reading than chimps learning sign language and word plays like nim chimpsky. but this revision process is just so tedious that i guess i just take from it whatever i can. also, with terms and concepts such as [+ - voice] labio-dental fricatives and high, back vowels, phrase structure rules and tree diagrams, hyponymy and entailments, diglossia and speakers' choices, and linguistic variation and social stratification, nim chimpsky is a breath of fresh air. i'd like to think this is all going to stop once i'm done with my exam on thursday, but the thursday exam is actually just the first of a series. there's one more in november and another in december. yay! not.
but i guess i really just have to push myself and start looking at this in a different light. it's probably for my own good to go back to the basics anyway and learn about other things as well. i mean, the problem sometimes is, we go to the higher processes right away when there's still so much grounding that needs to be done in terms of the basic principles. for instance, critiquing chomky's tg when you don't even know what a phrase structure rule is, or doing critical discourse analysis when you can't even begin to explain what discourse means is hardly ideal. or sometimes, people get so specialized they begin to think only their own work matters. they fail to see the interesting things happening in other fields and the interconnections between what they and others are doing. and if these two don't work, i guess i can just always think that, in certain company, saying 'voiced alveo-palatal affricate' to refer to the initial sound in the word 'judge' can increase one's level of desirability (although i'm afraid to imagine what kind of company this is, haha).
alright, that's enough prompting for me in a day. i really should go back to my reading now. i just have to, in the words of the mighty tim gunn, 'carry on!'
One Girl's Journey in this Gendered Terrain
Originally posted on my Friendster blog 31 August 2006.
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done, done, done! it wasn't fantastic, but i did my job, and i think, all things considered, it went down pretty well. so here it is, this thing i put together for this thing that i had to do early today. and, oh, it goes to the caterpillar who pulled and kept me together while i almost broke down at the bus stop this morning. (i was already 15 minutes late, it was raining like it never rained before, all the cabs were hired, and it was perhaps one of the most important things i had to do this term.)
"i know it's all very general, but i was given 10 minutes, so it was hard to deal with specifics."
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i think my thoughts about gender began when i was about 9 or 10. of course, at that time, i didn’t know what the concept of gender was or that my thoughts actually meant something in terms of a bigger picture. they were just thoughts, and, often, they didn’t last for very long. for instance, i’d wonder why my brother and male cousins were allowed to play outside with their toy soldiers and toy guns until late in the evening, while my female cousins and i were often asked to stay inside the house as we played with our dolls, and if we ever ventured outside, we were almost always called to get back in right away. i’d wonder, too, why i had to wear dresses to church, while my brother could wear pretty much anything he liked. and in church, i wondered about this man who was always clad in really bright dresses, often in hues of red and orange. whenever i asked my mom about why he was wearing a dress, she would say because he wasn’t right.
there were other things i noticed as i grew older: the way the men in my family would drink and smoke after dinner during family gatherings, while the women fixed up—a kind of division lost to me when i was a kid, but which became a particular concern when, at a certain age, i was called on to help fix up; or how a female friend was said to be a disgrace to her family when she got pregnant out of wedlock, when, in fact, earlier, her brother who got someone pregnant, also out of wedlock, was scolded, but wasn’t seen as a disgrace. however, as i said earlier, these were just thoughts, and they didn’t last for very long.
when i went to university, i met a girl who called herself a feminist and attended a class where the teacher said a gendered framework would be used in our reading of texts. i believe it was in the course of these interactions that my earlier thoughts about gender resurfaced, but this time, they lasted and sought explanation. so i realized that the things i thought about when i was much younger didn’t just happen in my family; they happen in a lot of families. i found out that boy and girls are socialized differently, assigned different roles and expectations, and expected to look and behave in different ways. i learned about double standards and how they manifest in laws, institutional policies, in the stories i read, even in the advertisements i see every day. i acquired a term for people who deviate from society’s gender ascriptions and the penalty they are forced to pay for doing so. much more, i began to see how all these, most unfortunately, often translate to violence—may it be physical, emotional, or sexual—committed against women, often by men.
angered by these realizations of gender discrimination and inequalities, high on this newfound awareness, and wanting so badly to make a difference, i turned to a more systematic study of gender. i enrolled in classes on gender theory and representations of women’s bodies, read on different kinds of feminism and discussed each one nonstop with whomever would care to listen, and wrote almost always with a defined gendered lens and some kind of political agenda for class projects. i had thought, once i had mastered the field, things would change. i thought by then i would have understood everything about the gender issues that confronted me and those around me. i thought by then i would have been able to offer some kind of explanation or a particular framework that would somehow resolve these issues and make things a better place for women, and perhaps for men as well. at that time, i was so ready and raring to change the world.
flashforward to today.
i’d have to say that while i did learn so much more about—and most times experienced firsthand—patriarchy, sexism, gender inequalities, and the many ways by which they manifest in the world, i can’t say that i have mastered the field, much less changed the world. while gender studies has given me frameworks, methodologies, a set of tools, to interpret, examine, and challenge the inequalities i see, it has not given me a single, definitive theory that would make things right. while gender studies has given me a nuanced awareness of the workings of gender in society and how they are used to maintain social order and various kinds of oppression, it doesn’t mean i have begun to understand everything.
i remember one gender theory class i had where a classmate and i would just get really depressed after every lecture. we were beginning to see that the more we read and got ourselves involved in all these issues, the more complex they became. first off, it’s not just gender. gender interacts with other social categories as well, such as age, ethnicity, class, socioeconomic status, so gender cannot be examined in isolation, as it is bound up with all these other things. second, the way gender oppression and sexual discrimination work is not exactly visible; they work in subtle and insidious ways, and are most times so institutionalized we don’t even see they’re there. finally, gender itself is a category that is not fixed nor constant; it is a construct, and like all constructs, it evolves. as such it demands new ways of seeing, new methodologies, new tools. in the end, i learned, and these are perhaps the most important lessons of all, that it’s all very complicated, and there are no simple answers, and it can be quite frustrating.
i think i had been this really idealistic, sorely mistaken young girl back then with my thoughts of girl power and changing the world and solving all the world’s problems. today, i’d like to think i’m still idealistic, but i hope i’m not mistaken anymore. i know now that i cannot change the world, and, really, i no longer care for that. what i care for now is just plodding through and doing the work that i have set out to do, and perhaps it will translate to some change, no matter how slight, in my own little corner of the world. what i care for now is making sure that my work is grounded in my own positionality as a filipino woman with my harsh philippine realities, on the one hand, and the academic field in which i have chosen to do my work, on the other. finally, i just take comfort in the fact that what i do is part of a bigger and stronger effort, within that broad category gender studies, which, may, years and years and years from now, just lead to the changes and reforms we’ve all been hoping for.
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done, done, done! it wasn't fantastic, but i did my job, and i think, all things considered, it went down pretty well. so here it is, this thing i put together for this thing that i had to do early today. and, oh, it goes to the caterpillar who pulled and kept me together while i almost broke down at the bus stop this morning. (i was already 15 minutes late, it was raining like it never rained before, all the cabs were hired, and it was perhaps one of the most important things i had to do this term.)
"i know it's all very general, but i was given 10 minutes, so it was hard to deal with specifics."
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i think my thoughts about gender began when i was about 9 or 10. of course, at that time, i didn’t know what the concept of gender was or that my thoughts actually meant something in terms of a bigger picture. they were just thoughts, and, often, they didn’t last for very long. for instance, i’d wonder why my brother and male cousins were allowed to play outside with their toy soldiers and toy guns until late in the evening, while my female cousins and i were often asked to stay inside the house as we played with our dolls, and if we ever ventured outside, we were almost always called to get back in right away. i’d wonder, too, why i had to wear dresses to church, while my brother could wear pretty much anything he liked. and in church, i wondered about this man who was always clad in really bright dresses, often in hues of red and orange. whenever i asked my mom about why he was wearing a dress, she would say because he wasn’t right.
there were other things i noticed as i grew older: the way the men in my family would drink and smoke after dinner during family gatherings, while the women fixed up—a kind of division lost to me when i was a kid, but which became a particular concern when, at a certain age, i was called on to help fix up; or how a female friend was said to be a disgrace to her family when she got pregnant out of wedlock, when, in fact, earlier, her brother who got someone pregnant, also out of wedlock, was scolded, but wasn’t seen as a disgrace. however, as i said earlier, these were just thoughts, and they didn’t last for very long.
when i went to university, i met a girl who called herself a feminist and attended a class where the teacher said a gendered framework would be used in our reading of texts. i believe it was in the course of these interactions that my earlier thoughts about gender resurfaced, but this time, they lasted and sought explanation. so i realized that the things i thought about when i was much younger didn’t just happen in my family; they happen in a lot of families. i found out that boy and girls are socialized differently, assigned different roles and expectations, and expected to look and behave in different ways. i learned about double standards and how they manifest in laws, institutional policies, in the stories i read, even in the advertisements i see every day. i acquired a term for people who deviate from society’s gender ascriptions and the penalty they are forced to pay for doing so. much more, i began to see how all these, most unfortunately, often translate to violence—may it be physical, emotional, or sexual—committed against women, often by men.
angered by these realizations of gender discrimination and inequalities, high on this newfound awareness, and wanting so badly to make a difference, i turned to a more systematic study of gender. i enrolled in classes on gender theory and representations of women’s bodies, read on different kinds of feminism and discussed each one nonstop with whomever would care to listen, and wrote almost always with a defined gendered lens and some kind of political agenda for class projects. i had thought, once i had mastered the field, things would change. i thought by then i would have understood everything about the gender issues that confronted me and those around me. i thought by then i would have been able to offer some kind of explanation or a particular framework that would somehow resolve these issues and make things a better place for women, and perhaps for men as well. at that time, i was so ready and raring to change the world.
flashforward to today.
i’d have to say that while i did learn so much more about—and most times experienced firsthand—patriarchy, sexism, gender inequalities, and the many ways by which they manifest in the world, i can’t say that i have mastered the field, much less changed the world. while gender studies has given me frameworks, methodologies, a set of tools, to interpret, examine, and challenge the inequalities i see, it has not given me a single, definitive theory that would make things right. while gender studies has given me a nuanced awareness of the workings of gender in society and how they are used to maintain social order and various kinds of oppression, it doesn’t mean i have begun to understand everything.
i remember one gender theory class i had where a classmate and i would just get really depressed after every lecture. we were beginning to see that the more we read and got ourselves involved in all these issues, the more complex they became. first off, it’s not just gender. gender interacts with other social categories as well, such as age, ethnicity, class, socioeconomic status, so gender cannot be examined in isolation, as it is bound up with all these other things. second, the way gender oppression and sexual discrimination work is not exactly visible; they work in subtle and insidious ways, and are most times so institutionalized we don’t even see they’re there. finally, gender itself is a category that is not fixed nor constant; it is a construct, and like all constructs, it evolves. as such it demands new ways of seeing, new methodologies, new tools. in the end, i learned, and these are perhaps the most important lessons of all, that it’s all very complicated, and there are no simple answers, and it can be quite frustrating.
i think i had been this really idealistic, sorely mistaken young girl back then with my thoughts of girl power and changing the world and solving all the world’s problems. today, i’d like to think i’m still idealistic, but i hope i’m not mistaken anymore. i know now that i cannot change the world, and, really, i no longer care for that. what i care for now is just plodding through and doing the work that i have set out to do, and perhaps it will translate to some change, no matter how slight, in my own little corner of the world. what i care for now is making sure that my work is grounded in my own positionality as a filipino woman with my harsh philippine realities, on the one hand, and the academic field in which i have chosen to do my work, on the other. finally, i just take comfort in the fact that what i do is part of a bigger and stronger effort, within that broad category gender studies, which, may, years and years and years from now, just lead to the changes and reforms we’ve all been hoping for.
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