31 October 2007

Waiting for the Meat to Thaw

That's exactly what I'm doing right now. I have some cooking to do today, and I'm right now waiting for the meat to thaw. I'm cooking pork afritada and chicken adobo. The last time I cooked afritada, it was really good, so I'm hoping to achieve the same result today. I cook adobo regularly, because it's one of those dishes that are just really easy to do, but I haven't tried chicken adobo yet. It's because, well, I'm allergic to chicken.

I know. It's sad, especially since I love chicken and actually grew up eating a lot of it. Para kong si Niknok, ang batang napakahilig sa manok. Hehe. Anyone who remembers Niknok? Well, if you didn't read Funny Komiks as a kid, then I don't think you'd know of him, in the first place. Anyway, going back to my chicken allergy, it was actually a recent development. Some ten years ago, to be exact. I know that doesn't sound recent, hehe, but what I meant by recent was, I didn't have it when I was a kid.

I blame this allergy on Chicken Bacolod. You see there was that period, two weeks to be exact, some ten years ago when all I ate for lunch and dinner--and I swear, breakfast too(!), if the resto only opened that early--was chicken from Chicken Bacolod. I'd have the chicken inasal (breast part), garlic rice, and chicken skin. I think ultimately, it was the chicken skin that caused the allergy. But god, it tasted so good!

Anyway, when the allergic reaction first appeared, it was in the form of an extremely itchy rash all over my fingers and toes. The itchiness soon gave way to a burning sensation, and my fingers and toes started swelling and became really red. I can still remember what my brother told me when he saw the rash: 'Wag kang mag-alala, Ate, dadalawin ka naman namin sa Tala.' Panicked and afraid, I rushed to see a derma, who then asked me about my recent activities and the food I'd been eating in the last few weeks. That visit to the derma signaled the end of my happy days at Chicken Bacolod. Sigh.

Well, maybe, I still go to Chicken Bacolod from time to time and still eat chicken from time to time. Hehe. I just make sure I have my antihistamines with me. Also, the key phrases are 'in moderation' and 'from time to time' as I can't definitely eat a lot of chicken now or eat chicken for days in a row. Sometimes, when I forget myself though, there is still some allergic reaction, but now, it appears in the form of a redness around my mouth, pretty much like a windburn. So if you see me sporting a windburn, you know someone's been eating what she's not supposed to. Hehe.

Okay, I have to check on the meat now. Happy day, all.

Done with Reposting

I found out that Blogger does not have an 'export' function. There is something about RSS feeds, but I just couldn't understand the effin thing. So what did I do? I copy-pasted my blog posts from the other sites I maintain. Good thing I didn't have that many posts. Hehe.

So I suppose that'll be for now. I'll be back real soon. :-)

A Little Bit Thai, A Little Bit Indian

Originally posted 29 October 2007.

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Because we were getting tired of our own cooking, we decided to go to Joe's Kitchen for dinner tonight. Joe's is a Thai restaurant, but for some reason, many of its dishes taste like Filipino food to me, at least after the chili is put aside. Hehe. I think what I really want to say here is that food at Joe's tastes like the way Thai food is cooked in the Philippines. Which means I really like it. :-) Then again, I basically order the same thing every time I go there anyway, so I don't have any means of judging the dishes I haven't tried. Whatever! Joe's is just really good food. And quite affordable too! :-)

We had crispy seafoood tofu, pineapple rice, fried chili fish (chili definitely on the side), and, for dessert, the yummy sticky rice with mango.






I know the food could have used more color, but that means mixing in the chili, which is a no-no for me. So, I'm sorry if the food in these pics looks a little bland.

Anyhoo, after dinner, we went to Little India to see the lights and do some chocolate-shopping at Mustafa. Here are some pics of the lights and me. No pics of the chocolates, because chocolates are private. Hahaha.


Just Fine

Originally posted on 26 October 2007.

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Just wanted to share the song and vid below. Got it from a site where I usually lurk. Hehe. Anyway, it's such a fun, joyful song, and the vid is hawt. Mary J Blige totally rocks it. Enjoy! :-)



By the way, I love how they made those streaks of gold/fire swirl and spiral around her at the beginning. Parang pwede na din sa 'Heroes' si Mary J Blige. Hehe.

TMI?

Originally posted on 24 October 2007.

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Okay, I did say I was going back to work, but just one more thing. I'm sure you have your own reaction/s to and/or position on the recent outing of Albus Dumbledore by his creator, JK. I will not discuss mine here, because it's not really the point of this link. But I really do want to say that I think it's wonderful that Dumbledore is gay, and such a shame that I chose not to pick up on it--I did think there might have been something a bit more in his thing with Grindelwald--primarily because I didn't think JK would dare. Turns out she did, and even announced it, in no uncertain terms, to the whole world. (Well, pretty much, right?) Despite certain misgivings about the business side of the franchise and how JK has been handling it, I have to say, props to JK for this one. I acknowledge what this pronouncement can mean, what it can do, and I'll give JK credit for that.

Okay, so I did end up talking A LITTLE BIT about what I thought. To the article now, what I find interesting in it is the shift of the discussion from JK's pronouncement of Dumbledore's sexuality to what JK does to the notion of authorship every time she announces some piece of information or 'past' or 'future' story about a character in a series that is supposedly concluded. Indeed, in JK's case, it seems the author is definitely alive.

What's Cookin in My Kitchen

Originally posted on 24 October 2007.

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I just realized I haven't written about food in a while (hehe), so I figured, while taking a break from school work (t e d i o u s) and house work (CRAZY!), I might as well write about food--and have some fun in the process. As I said before, I'm not really what you'd consider a great cook, heck, I'm not even a good cook, but I've some recipes I've sort of mastered, so suffice it to say, I can cook. Or more accurately, there are certain dishes I can cook, and they actually taste like they're supposed to taste. If not better. Hehe. :-)

One of these is cheesy tuna and mushroom pasta. I make the sauce from scratch--that is, I put cream and cheese together in a pan and I stir and stir until the cheese is one with the cream--that is, all melted--and the color turns into a pale golden yellow. The tricky part is making sure that the sauce is smooth, and there are no cheesy bits. So to get the right texture, I keep stirring. (The problem with the cheesy bits is that they stick in the roof of your mouth, in your teeth, and/or even under your tongue, and it's annoying when that happens. If the cheesy bits cannot be avoided though, say, I got tired of stirring halfway through, I just say it's supposed to be like that, as the cheesy bits bring out the delightful cheese flavor even more. Hehe.)

For the tuna and mushroom mix, I saute some garlic first, then some onion--both minced, by the way--then I throw in the tuna, then the mushrooms. Then I do a bit of stir-frying. I usually use a combination of Century Tuna Hot and Spicy and Century Tuna in Vegetable Oil, so that the tuna is not so spicy, yet, it has a certain zing, which, from experience, I can say goes really well with the cheese and cream sauce. The mushrooms I use come straight from the can, usually Narcissus. I don't know why, but I've always used that brand.

I've always preferred spaghetti, and for the almost 5 years I've been cooking and serving this dish, I've used spaghetti. When I cooked it the last time though, I think about two weeks ago, I used macaroni. I wanted to give this old recipe something new. I wanted to bake it, and when I thought of that, I thought "Baked Mac, yum!" So I used macaroni. (I know, I know. I'm as logical in my cooking as I am in almost all other aspects of my life. :-)) The result was actually pretty successful. It was actually very good. And that's why I don't have pictures. We kept eating and talking about how good the pasta--now called baked cheesy tuna and mushroom macaroni, hee--was that we forgot to take pictures. Ahem. It's up to you if you want to believe that. :-)

But I have to say this pasta dish is not exactly the most healthy of meals, even with the tuna and the mushrooms, simply because of the cheese and the cream, which I use lots of. And, in the baked version, there's also the additional mozzarella on top, because, well, I love mozzarella. Hehe. Seriously though, the gooey texture and the mild and delicate milky taste of mozzarella make it the perfect topping for this pasta dish.:-) But, as I always say, I don't eat it every day (there are other more sinful fares to feast on, hahaha), so when I eat it, I will not be deterred by thoughts of what's healthy or not.

I wonder why I've never thought of baking this dish before. Oh, well, whatever, time to go back to work. Sigh. And, oh, I promise to take pictures next time I make this dish again, baked or not. :-)

All Set!

Originally posted on 22 October 2007.

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After much planning and lots of careful attention to details (translation: stressful stuff), I finally got to book tickets for home this December, and I'm proud to announce it's reasonably priced, given the peak rates of the holiday season, the rather late hour in which I booked them, and my flight dates.:-) I'm flying with PAL en route to the Philippines and Cebu Pacific when I return back here. Would you believe this deal is actually 50sgd cheaper than if I had flown Cebu Pacific both ways?! I know it's just 50sgd, but still, I feel as if I've done a bit of good strategizing here and won something.

I mean, you couldn't possibly imagine the sick, miserable feeling I had when I went to the Cebu Pacific website early last week and saw that there were no more available flights beginning 17 Dec. It turned out that it was a glitch--there were available flights actually--but at that time, I didn't know that, so I was all panicky. Tiger Airways had sold out all their flights for the period in question weeks and weeks ago. I had vowed never to fly Jetstar again unless my destination was not the Philippines and only for a really unbelievably cheap ticket price. (The reason for this, as they say, is another story, and in this case, a long one, which I really don't want to recall.)

So, at that time, it was a very real possibility that I would have to fly PAL both ways. That would have cost me 200sgd more than the deal I got, and it would have been simply heartbreaking to pay that much after having experienced traveling for so much less before. I know it's Christmas anyway, but still, all the more reason to try to get affordable tickets, right? I mean, gifts need to be bought and parties attended and people to be made happy, after all. And that doesn't come cheap. :-) But I also told myself that if PAL was the last resort, then so be it. I should just resign myself to not being able to buy some things I wanted for myself this Christmas.

Good thing though I checked at Kabayan, a Pinoy-run (not sure if it's also Pinoy-owned) travel agency at Lucky Plaza, the Pinoy hangout/mall/destination in Singapore, before purchasing any tickets. Thanks to Dayen for the tip-off on the PAL one-way fare, which cost less than Cebu Pacific's, the further 10sgd deduction, and the interesting conversation. :-) If I had gone the other way and taken a two-way ticket with Cebu Pacific, you know, after I had found out about the glitch, I would have paid 50sgd more and missed airplane food (hehe) and lost Miles, which could help, if only a little bit, the sorry state of my mileage account. Plus, the PAL flight departs at a better, more convenient time.

In the end, I really think it's a good deal all around, and the best one I could have gotten under the circumstances. Sometimes, I really think I'm kind of a winner. Hahaha.

Manila, here I come! Well, not quite yet, but you get my drift. :-)

P.S. Please forgive me if I sound too self-congratulatory. It's very seldom that things of this nature, you know, successful execution after careful deliberation of details and such like, work out for me. Hee.

TV Tidbits

Originally posted on 14 October 2007.

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Thinking about 'Grey's Anatomy' a while back, which was occasioned by a blog post and a reply, got me thinking about the shows that I really miss and want to see and watch. One is 'Ugly Betty." I read somewhere that this season, they will have one episode that is a musical (yipee!), and that Mark's character will get a boyfriend. This boyfriend is supposedly not Mark's type. He's chubby and not exactly fashionable, but Mark will be drawn to him. This should be good to see. :-) But before I actually start watching this season of 'Ugly Betty,' I should finish the first season. Due to the unfortunate fact that my 'Complete Season 1' of 'Ugly Betty' was only up to episode 17 and no matter how many times I brought it back to exchange it with some new copy, I still got the same (in)'Complete Season 1,' I unhappily missed a lot from the last season.

The other show is 'Heroes.' Haven't seen a single episode since the new season began airing, and I really don't have any idea what's been going on. I try to avoid the recaps and the forums, because, well, I want to be surprised when I finally get to see the new episodes. (I really don't mind being spoiled in most cases; in fact, I prefer it. But this time around, surprisingly, I want to be surprised.) I miss Hiro and Nathan and Nikki/Jessica and Mr. Bennet and, ok, ok, even Mohinder and his rather superfluous voiceovers (hehe). I also miss Peter Petrelli. So, in the meantime, to address my missing Peter Petrelli, I view this vid at least once a day:



I know he doesn't have superpowers here, but methinks Peter Petrelli with tattoos and a guitar and acting like a thug is good enough at the moment. At least, until I get to see the show again. Interesting that I end up with only Peter Petrelli to get my 'Heroes' fix. Oh, well, some things can't be helped. :-) Then again, I also really like Fergie, despite her rather extremely high-waisted pants in this vid. Hehe.

Other shows I'm looking forward to are 'Bionic Woman' (I suppose I would have been more excited about this, if Burke weren't there, but I do hope he wouldn't have to stay all throughout the season) and 'Cashmere Mafia,' a 'Sex and the City' kind of show, I was told, but with a different set of women, which begins airing in November. A friend of mine also told me to start watching 'Weeds' and 'Brothers and Sisters' and 'Gossip Girl.' Sigh. So many shows, so little time. Or more accurately, so many shows that I can't watch as they air, because we don't have cable. Then again, even if we had cable, I don't think the cable channels here would have aired them the same time they come out in the US anyway. I guess I'll just have to catch up when I go home in December. All I can say is thanks to all those venues (ahem) in the Phils that allow me to see all these shows.

So what am I watching these days? Not much tv actually, but it pleases me to say that one channel here is airing cycle 8 of 'America's Next Top Model.' As in every cycle, the wannabe top models are looking fierce, there is always drama (and bitchiness) happening in the house, and Tyra is, well, looking every inch like the Tyra I've come to know and love (and hate) in this show. It's just so hard to describe her. :-) So that makes my Thursday night. The rest of the time, I'm working. Bwahahaha.

Enjoy your Sunday, all!

P.S. If any one's got episodes of 'Ugly Betty' and 'Heroes' and you have a way of lending them to me, I will be forever grateful and will be your friend forever. :-)

The Way I Am

Originally posted on 13 October 2007.

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This is the song that I keep singing right now. I caught it while viewing some new commercials with supposedly nice catchy tunes. (This--seeking out songs in commercials--is a new habit for me, which I suppose started after discovering Feist in the new Ipod nano commercial.) Nothing spectacular or profound about the song, but it's pretty and catchy, and I think it makes one feel warm all over. At least, that's what it does to me. Hehe.

So, first, here's the commercial



I just thought that maybe the reason why they used it to sell sweaters was precisely because of what I said above--it makes one feel warm all over. Hee. And, well, I suppose, because of the lyrics: 'If you are chilly, here, take my sweater.' Rather literal, don't you think? Oh, well, my favorite lines are, 'I love how the way you call me, baby/And you take me the way I am.' :-)

After some research (thanks, internet!), I found out that the song was sung by Ingrid Michaelson. You know what's next. I went to youtube and found this:



Then, I found out that she also sang 'Keep Breathing' which was used in Season 3 of 'Grey's Anatomy.' 'Grey's Anatomy' is too much drama for me most times, but I still watch it. Hehe. No, that wasn't what I was going to say. I wanted to say that, while way too intense for me most times, 'Grey's Anatomy' does have some of the best tracks one can possibly get from a tv show.

So, here's 'Keep Breathing.' I can't find a vid where Ingrid Michaelson is singing the song, so I'm just posting here the one with the 'Grey's Anatomy' montage of the 'Keep Breathing' story arc.



Good night, all. :-)

Go Bo!

Originally posted on 11 October 2007.

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Earlier today, I heard some kid sing The Star-Spangled Banner on some tv show. It was a pretty good rendition, and I was instantly reminded of another great rendition of the same song--a reminder that then took me two years back when I would watch American Idol twice (sometimes, even thrice) a day and lurk in all the American Idol forums, all because of Bo. Yes, Bo! Sigh.

After Bo's season, American Idol just isn't the same, and there hasn't been any contestant who has captured my interest and imagination (ahem) as Bo had. Bo with his long, unkempt hair. Bo and his many flip-flops. Bo and how he'd say the word 'genre.' Oh, well, before I reveal the full extent of my fangirl-iness, here's the vid of Bo singing The Star Spangled Banner.



Don't you think that was kinda hot?

Good night, all. :-)

30 October 2007

1 2 3 4

Originally posted on 10 October 2007.

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I know I must be the 3 millionth person to have said this already, but this song and this video just make me really, really happy ... and really seriously considering getting the new Ipod nano (RED!) just so I can carry this wonder of a song and vision with me.



Feist must have already sold so many Ipod nanos for Apple, and she must be so big now with the exposure that the ad has given her. She totally deserves it, too, I think. I mean, I just got to listen to some songs in the album (The Reminder, if I remember correctly) from which 1 2 3 4 was taken, and they were just overwhelming.

Apart from 1 2 3 4, I'm also totally loving The Park. While Feist's images are not neccessarily easy to put into some kind of order, interpret, and/or arrange into some meaningful whole--perhaps, they're not meant to, and that's part of the beauty and charm of it--there are a few lines in 'The Park' that I just totally get.

Here: Sadness so real that it populates/The city and leaves you homeless again/Steam from a cup and snow on the path/The seasons have changed from the present to past. Sad, right? And with her voice and her singing and the melody of this song, it just touches you and makes you ache. For some reason though, it also makes you hope. Or maybe, it's just me. :-)

Anyhoo, I didn't really start out thinking this was going to be about Feist or her songs. I mean, I don't really have the right to be reviewing music. Hehe. So I'll just go back to where I started: I'm really seriously considering getting the new Ipod nano (RED!) just so I can carry this wonder of a song and vision with me. And, oh, by the way, I'm also open to the idea of having someone else get the Ipod nano (RED!) for me and make me really happy. Christmas, after all, is just around the corner. Ahem.

Good night, all! :-)

On Donuts and Coming Back to Life

Originally posted on 03 October 2007.

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I finally got to taste the donut of The Donut Factory. It's okay, I suppose, if there's no Krispy Kreme around. Hehe. I've been totally spoiled by Krispy Kreme, especially my favorite varieties: Original Glazed, Glazed Cruller, Glazed Sour Cream and Caramel Kreme Crunch. Oh, such yummy goodness. :-) Can't wait to be back home for Krispy Kreme (among others, hehe), and when I go back home in December, there will be two branches in Trinoma. Yahoo! I don't have to go to Bonifacio High Street or to Megamall anymore. Krispy Kreme will just be, so to speak, right around the corner.

Going back to Singapore donuts though, I think there's an even better donut brand here in SG. I got to taste it in one of the talks sponsored by the ARI. I don't know its name though or where it's being sold. The box simply said 'Yummy'--or was it 'Munchy'?--and I assumed then it was the donut brand's name. It was so good I had, ahhmm, 5. Hahaha. (I didn't have lunch, ok? And that was already between 5.30 and 6 pm. Hehe. Anyway, my favorite was the Cookies and Cream variety). I was tempted actually to ask the organizers where I could get the donuts, but was too embarrassed to ask. (I mean, I didn't ask a single question during the talk's open forum it just didn't seem appropriate to ask about the food.) So, if there's anyone who knows where to get these 'Yummy' or 'Munchy' donuts, please let me know. :-)

I suppose I'm feeling pretty fine and quite back to my usual self now that all I can think about again is food. :-) I'd been sick the past week. It started out with some occasional coughing that turned into an annoying sore throat that developed into a full-blown fever. Two nights, my fever was so high I was delirious. I didn't really think I'd ever go back to being well. Being sick used to be fun when I was a kid or even a few years back. Well, yes, I'd feel really bad, but there were perks: I could skip class, have my mom come to Manila to take care of me, and get cakes and flowers and cards from loving friends. Ahem. Now, getting sick is just one big hassle, and it really takes its tool. Bawal na talagang magkasakit.

Anyhoo, I'm just glad to be well again, and able to move about--to play tourist guide to a visiting cousin, go to school and add to my collection of photocopies, go to Ikea and get lamps and have Swedish meatballs, and think and write about food again. :-)

Fine, Fine Line

Originally posted on 11 September 2007.

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This isn't really a legitimate blog entry, I suppose. It's just I can't get the lyrics of the song out of my head, and so I'm sharing it with everyone else. I don't have the actual song here, but I know, for a fact, it's floating somewhere here on the world wide web, in case you're interested. It's from Avenue Q, which is being staged in the Philippines right now (and which I'm dying to see, but, well, I can't). It's 'There's a Fine, Fine Line' by Kate Monster of, yes, Avenue Q. I know some of you will find the lyrics only too relevant, so enjoy:

There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of your time.

And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity, I've got to close the door
And walk away...
Oh...

There's a fine, fine line between together and not
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

Berry Creamy Evening

Originally posted on 29 August 2007.

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What do I do when I have work due soon and I haven't started it yet? I do something else. Just like today. Since I have an abstract due on Saturday and I'm already beginning to panic (because I have no idea what to write and the publication I'm sending it to, I've been told, is so discerning), I decided to divert my attention a little bit. I cooked dinner. (I suppose this is also my way of taking control of the kitchen again after the fiasco on Sunday.) I fried fish and garnished it with lemon and made a cream-based vegetable dish following a favorite recipe from my mom. Some pictures--because I'm kinda proud of my creation. Hee.



Do you see how perfectly fried the fish was? I did say I was going to go with low and/or medium heat after Sunday's fiasco, but fish, if you wanted it fried, had to be cooked in high heat. That I got from a Kitchenomics show I caught years and years ago, which for some reason, I never forgot.



And do you see the fusion of colors in the vegetable dish? The reds and the greens combining gorgeously? Nigella would be so proud of me. Haha.



And for dessert, have you ever tasted real raspberries and blackberries? Not me, so dessert, which was bourbon fudge brownie with raspberries and blackberries in light cream (not so light actually, if you put all of them together) was just marvelous. I wish I could say I created it, too, but no, credit must be given where it's due. It was Fama who made it, and it was her idea.

And because the berries in cream (note: in cream!) were so good, and we already ran out of brownies and still had some apple pie, guess what we came up with next? Here, which was, in fact, much more marvelous, and thus the already half-eaten apple pie:



Don't get me wrong. I'm not a fantastic cook. I'm more of a hit and miss cook. (Well, I do have my own house specialties, but that I suppose would be another story.) It's most times too salty, most times overcooked, sometimes too oily, sometimes bland. But there are times when I get everything just right. I think tonight is one of those. Happy sigh. Now, if I could just write the effin abstract, it would all be perfect.

Good Morning Singapore

Originally posted on 27 August 2006.

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I wish I could burst out into 'Good Morning Singapore' today, just like Tracy doing 'Good Morning Baltimore' in Hairspray, but I don't think I can. Today is looking bleak. It's overcast. I have a full day: cook (and cook slow and right and safe) right about after I finish this, eat, take a shower and get dressed, go to school, download and print out a number of articles from an online journal, download and print out recipes, scan some documents, email said documents, pass by The Deck for take-away, and on my way home, drop by the supermarket to get cheese, tuna, broccoli, sage, potatoes, and pork chops. When I get home, I have to read the articles, read an essay I was supposed to have read yesterday, and go back to my transcription. With this kind of day, it's kind of difficult to start belting out some tunes. Sigh.

Then again, Hairspray is still stuck in my head, and I just can't help but smile. I haven't had this much fun watching a movie in a long time. Well, I liked Bourne Ultimatum and enjoyed watching it, but Hairspray? It was just fun. Fun and happy and gay and inspiring and something I could and would watch over and over again. The moment Tracy started singing 'Good Morning Baltimore' and sashaying around, I knew the movie would rock and I would totally love it. There were many other delightful surprises in the movie for me (e.g., the black and white versions of 'New Girl in Town,' Christopher Walken's and a transformed John Travolta's 'You're Timeless to Me,' that Cyclops and Amanda Bynes could sing, Queen Latifah's poignant 'I Know Where I've Been,' and the 'You Can't Stop the Beat' finale), but this is not a review. This is just to share my Hairspray joy. So, here you go (this one's especially for those in the Philippines who start work today after a long weekend):



I love, love, love this whole sequence, but my favoritest part is at around 1:05 when she gets left by the bus because she's strutting her stuff until around 0:45 when she gets on top of a truck and belts 'I love you Baltimore.' I suppose I'd be belting out some tunes this morning after all. :)

Good morning Singapore
Every day's like an open door
Every night is a fantasy
Every sound's like a symphony

Have a good day, y'all!

Scary Sunday

Originally posted on 26 August 2007.

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Today, I got one of the biggest scares of my life. I woke up pretty late, and was hurrying to get something cooked so I could eat, as I also woke up hungry. I went to the kitchen, took some sausages out of the freezer, got the frying pan on the stove, put in some oil, turned on the stove to high heat, then threw in the sausages. I knew when I did that, it was going to sizzle, because, well, I didn't thaw the meat and the pan was very hot, so I backed away from the stove as far as I could. And sizzle it did. Smoke started to come out of the pan, too. I thought I should probably turn the heat off or set it to medium for a little bit, just for the smoke to go away, but the oil was sizzling so ferociously I didn't want to get near the pan. I decided to wait for the sizzling to let up. Then, from where I was standing, a good four feet away, I saw that the fire under the pan was beginning to crackle. I thought, for a second, the pan would catch fire, but then I thought that wasn't possible. And the moment I thought that, fire, about 6 to 7 inches, suddenly leapt out from the pan. For a second or two, I just stared at it, unable to think. It seemed all thought had left me. When thought returned, it was, "God, I'm going to die."

I suppose I thought of more than that though, because the next thing I did was run to the stove and turn the burner off. When it did not put out the fire, I took the pan out of the stove and threw it on the floor. The sausages jumped off, the pan hit the floor, then almost immediately, the fire went out. I suppose, while all this was going on, I called out to my flatmate in what would be described as a terrified voice, because she rushed out, alarmed. When she got to the kitchen though, the fire was already out, and I was standing there, shaking, and still unable to believe what just happened. I still don't know how the fire died just like that. I threw the pan on the floor, because I needed to find some cloth to put the fire out with and didn't think I could do that while holding the pan at the same time. I didn't know it would make the fire go out. Whatever. I'm just glad it turned out to be the right thing to do.

I can still see the events of the afternoon in my head, and the whole thing still scares me. The lesson? I'm not really sure. I just know, beginning today, I'd thaw frozen meat before I fry it, and go with low to medium heat. And if I wake up hungry, I'd go have cereals first.

Spare Me My Life



Don't you just think this is genius? You can exercise, learn English, and learn to defend yourself all at the same time. You can also pick up a nice little ditty along the way. Have a nice day, you all! :)

Horoscope

Originally posted on my Friendster blog on 19 August 2007, right about the time I started this.

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"It's time for you to organize the different elements of your life and get things on a coherent schedule. Your work or school obligations, your friendships and your romantic relationships are all pulling you in different directions, and the problem will only get bigger if you put off getting things in line. Be a lot more structured about how you plan your days -- get it down to the minute if you have to. These drastic measures don't have to be permanent, but they'll get you going down the right track."


that chunk above is my horoscope for the day. it's crazy how i've done nothing the past few weeks but try to organize my life, and and still, the horoscope i get tells me to do more of it. then again, as i begin thinking about how i've spent the last few weeks, i realize that, perhaps, what it's telling me is to organize ALL aspects of my life, not just certain aspects of it, as i'm prone to do. in particular, i think it's telling me to start attending to my school obligations--instead of organizing and re-organizing my photos and uploading them. ahem. i also think it's telling me to start transcribing my data and writing my first chapter--instead of starting this. ahem. ahem.

Cannot

cannot write, cannot sleep, can only do this, lah.

Unwell

Originally posted on my Friendster blog on 05 May 2007.

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i'm totally grasping at straws right now. i haven't written a single thing in months. yes, i've written a few abstracts--for prospective conferences, grant application, IRB exemption--and a really long, overdrawn letter for why i was two months late in submitting an application, but as for the real deal? nothing. nothing at all. while i've been reading a lot and commenting (also doodling!) on the margins of my photocopies, i hardly think these activities can be considered real work. and as the conference to which one of my abstracts went is drawing closer and closer, i'm becoming, well, more and more, high-strung. i have an abstract, but i do not have a paper.

i have a 'sort of paper.' it's actually a full paper, which i wrote the entirety of about half a year ago and never really gone back to since. i'm saying it's 'a sort of paper' though, because it needs a lot of work, as it is, and specifically in terms of the theme of the conference. when i wrote the abstract, i took out two parts of that full paper and linked them to one part (the theme of the conference), which is yet to be thought about (or imagined) in any serious way--or in any way at all, if i really have to be honest about it. in a sense, since i have two parts of this thing actually out there, it shouldn't take so long to write. however, it's proving very hard now to link these two parts to the one crucial theme-of-conference part. i can't even remember how i made the connection before. i'm also begining to realize there is a HUGE difference between a 200-word abstract and a 12- to 15-page paper, especially with how things are right now.

how are things exactly? i suppose i have PQS. (thanks to an almost post-quals/(QE) student for the link, and good luck to you! hehe.) so anyway, there you go, that's one more site i frequent these days. (i hope you don't enjoy it as much as i do, especially if you have a deadline coming up.) i have to say i haven't done much of the advisor (or in my case, supervisor) avoidance thing, because, at this stage, i need her signature for so many things and she really is pretty cool, but add to this list, at least for me, is an inordinate amount of reality tv--and tv in general. and PQS, they say, is incurable. sigh.

Touching Base

Originally posted on my Friendster blog on 24 February 2007, after a long silence, which this post tries to account for. Hehe.

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this blog looks so sad. from the tone of my previous post, you would perhaps think that the reason i haven't checked in is that i've been busy with school stuff. i'd really like to say that, yes, i've been really busy reading, uhm, the theory of structuration or the sociolinguistics of globalization or the structure vs agency debate or the glocalization of English or some other big-sounding category of knowledge, but, uhm, no, not really. i haven't really done any of that. i've been trying though. i've been trying really hard. (and don't you think props should be given to me for that, and the fact that i've got my big jargon words down pat? hee.)

so what have i been doing all this time? well, christmas came, and it was sheer craziness. with all the parties, the shopping and gift-giving, the constant moving around, and my general state of lethargy, there wasn't any time to think, much less write. the early part of january was hectic, too, because, well, it was time to clean up the mess of the holiday season--and eat all the leftovers. then, it was my birthday. you know how birthdays are, right? they usually last more than one day. so mine, it took a while, too. it was all good though, because it's always nice to be reminded that you're loved, and that you've been blessed, and that you have so much to be thankful for.

what's hard to account for is the time after that. i did meet up with my supervisor, and we talked about organizing my life. so i did that for about a month. in the best way i could. i made about a hundred more folders on my iBook, colorcoded them, shuffled my files, and assigned more specific labels to each one. i tried at first to come up with witty titles for my folders, e.g., The Rather Tentative but Definitely Important Topic of Meta-Talk in a Globalizing World, but i soon realized i couldn't possibly do that for each of the hundred folders that i just created (and really, i was doing it to avoid categorizing my files), so i ended up with rather boring, basic kinds of titles, e.g., Globalization&Theories of Communication. (oh, alright, it's not exactly a hundred folders, but it's close. i'm telling you it's close. please believe me.)

why it took a month, when i haven't even touched my gazillion photocopies (yes, photocopies. i tell you, when i return back home, i'll have a library full of photocopies. and mind you, i myself was the one who photocopied them all. i often tell my friends that if i didn't finish this freakin degree, i could always apply at the SC for a photocopying job. hee!), i'm not really sure. perhaps, because on the side, i was also organizing my photo and music library and spending more time doing that. i mean, in this case, i really had to come up with inventive labels for my photos. i just couldn't say 'vacation' or 'christmas' like it was just that, right? the labels had to be funny, quirky, witty. as for my music, i had to redo my playlists, because the previous ones didn't apply anymore, and then come up with, you guessed it right, new labels. you could imagine the time it took.

or maybe, it was because i was on youtube practically all the time, getting the latest episodes of 'maging sino ka man' and scenes from previous episodes i didn't get to see (celine's 'i'm the best slut in town' scene totally rocked, i thought) or tegan and sara videos or american idol auditions i missed or harry potter&the order of the phoenix previews or MADtv spoofs or full-length movies of this and that or something this and that. there was just always something for me to view on youtube. youtube, as you probably know by now, is my happy place, so i stay there as much as i can.

or perhaps, it was because on top of everything else, i was also trying to catch up with all the recaps and forum discussions and blog posts (definitely not mine!) i missed over the break. just as i was getting on the latest pages of my regular online destinations and beginning to think i could finally start with organizing my gazillion photocopies, a friend texted me to say that the final harry potter book was due to come out on 21 feb, er, july (love you, kla!). right after that, i was googling all HP7-related news, which then led me to two HP sites that got me into reading essays upon essays on who R.A.B. really was, whether or not snape was really dumbledore's man, and which characters would die. and finally, a little after the HP7 excitement/anticipation had subsided, THIS, which took a really huge chunk of that one month.

i don't really think these online activities would do me good in the real world, but still: i know all about the latest american idol gossip, britney's bald head and in-and-out of rehab dance, the latest scientology recruits, and the possibility that george clooney had his eyes done. more, i think i have a better insight now on snape's character, the pendant lying around at number 12 grimmauld place, and the significance of harry having his mother's eyes. i also realized that no matter how upset i've been about dumbledore's death, even shedding a few tears, there are at least ten people more upset about it than me, so i should just pull myself together and get on with my life. and, best of all, and this may not make sense at all, but: "when you smile? i die a little."

sometimes, i wonder what the real world is there for. but it is there. and i'm part of it. at least, that's the general idea. so for the real world then, well, my favorite reality shows are back, so, yay! kidding aside, i managed to do some 'real' work, i suppose. i updated my bibliography, added a few more essays to my photocopy collection, wrote some kind of academic life plan for this year, read at least half of an essay every day, read a novel, cleaned my room, and fixed my desk. i did some shopping for the chinese new year celebrations and learned to cook two new dishes. i also went out, met up with some friends, and had a couple or so drinks.

over all, i think i’m doing things okay. i just get this nagging feeling all the time that i'm not doing enough reading. it’s also killing me that this organizing thing is lifelong work. it has to be done forever. you have to understand that structure does not come naturally to me. it has to be imposed all the time. more accurately, i have to impose it on myself all the time. oh, well, let’s see how it all plays out in the coming months. in the meantime, there’s much to do online.

Afterwards

Originally posted on my Friendster blog on 24 November 2006.

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done with my qualifying exams finally. this afternoon, i did the oral defense of my research proposal, which was the third and final component of the series of exams i had to go through so i could go on with the program. i was such a nervous wreck before, during, and even after the defense--such a wreck that if my supervisor had burned her fingers, it would have been totally my fault. but anyway, going back, i think, despite my being a wreck, the defense went pretty well. i did my little powerpoint presentation, was asked some questions, and got some very useful and valuable feedback. i also realized this afternoon that the really serious work is just beginning and there's just so much of it that needs to be done.

basically, my panel told me to ditch one component of my proposal, the component i'm familiar with, the one i've been trained in, the one i've worked so hard for over the last few years of my life, and just focus on the other, the component that i don't really know how to do and i'm just actually beginning to get some handle on. i know what has motivated this advice, of course: the other component is really the more interesting one, the one that has potential to be, well, groundbreaking (which i've been told over and over is one of the basic minimum requirements for phd level work). naturally, it's also the more difficult direction to take, especially since it's not really the kind of thing i'm used to doing.

actually, i sort of knew this would come up in the defense. and i knew, at some point, i would have to move out of my comfort zone. i told my panel as much. i told them the direction they were leading me to was just too much of an unknown territory, and i was actually terrified to be going there. one of them said that if i didn't want to go there to begin with, i wouldn't have made it part of the proposal at all. the two others assured me it was part of the whole process, and most everybody would go through the same thing. i guess there's no postponing it now.

i really started out thinking that after my proposal defense, i'd be out celebrating and i'd just be happy it was over. okay, i did celebrate. i went out and had a really nice (and cheap too!) pizza and pasta dinner in this out-of-the-way hawker place on alexandra road, which my flatmates recently discovered. and, okay, i'm happy it's over. at least for now. see, that's the thing: i'm just too aware of the fact that very soon i've to start working again that i can't relax.

i guess i just couldn't help but remember and compare what i did after i passed my ma proposal defense. i was out until the wee hours of the morning, happily getting smashed and not at all concerned about the work ahead. my pizza and pasta dinner, though i enjoyed it very much, seems to pale in comparison. then again, i haven't been drunk (tipsy, yes, but that's different) in almost a year, so maybe something else is going on. i'm thinking it must be because i'm much older now, and thus:

1. i'm more serious about work and actually invested in what i do (hee!)
2. i'd rather spend my time having a nice, quiet dinner than getting drunk senseless and making a fool myself
3. recovering from hangovers has become quite a feat, so it's better to avoid occasions leading to such
4. i tire rather easily now
5. i'd rather youtube and widen my horizons

i think i can give a few more consequences of aging, but long story short: oh, the few years it takes for wild child to turn to old lady. which is another story and totally not the point of this post, and i don't really know how i got there, so to get back on track:

i was telling my flatmates earlier that it was just so anti-climactic. i'd been waiting for this moment the whole semester. when it finally happened, it didn't really feel as if i accomplished very much. it felt like it was just a thing i had to do, and i did it, and now, i'd have to move on to other things. oh, i don't know. what was i expecting anyway? qualifying exams are really just that after all: something one has to go through, so one can move on to the real deal. and the real deal will be tough. so i might as well stop agonizing over this and spend my energies reconciling with the fact that there's no going back now.

Remembering

Originally posted on my Friendster blog on 19 November 2006 as a tribute to one of the smartest, sweetest, strongest women I've known in my life. You are missed, Ma'am Ebang.

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i learned a few days ago that one of my most favorite people at the fc and in the world has passed away. a friend who had been to the fc called and told me about it. it was such a sad moment when i found out, but, even as my eyes watered, i also knew everything was alright. it was her time to go, so she went. she was that kind of person.

i was never in any of her classes, so i didn't really know how she was like as a teacher. all i knew about her when i was a student was that 1) she taught very early in the morning, 7-8.30 and 8.30-10 american literature courses; 2) she was a very good teacher; and 3) she was tough and strict and unforgiving. her hair which was in a perennial bun and her no-nonsense demeanor further reinforced this perception. i guess it wouldn't be a surprise if i say i was terrified of her.

my first real interaction with her was when i applied to the decl for a teaching position. she was part of the 9-member panel that interviewed me for the job. i remember i was already nervous and afraid before i got sent into the 'inner sanctum' (this was how we called the chair's office and adjoining conference room inside the decl office). when i saw her in the panel, i became even more nervous, even more afraid, if that was at all possible.

looking back now, however, i think she was perhaps the kindest member of that panel. she asked me what the last book i read was and whether i liked it or not. i don't really remember what i said, but i remember she was smiling at me when she asked that question and was nodding her head as i responded. i remember this quite clearly, because it struck me as weird that she was being so nice. in fact, i even thought that, maybe, it was a trick question. i realize now that, in that interview, she was being the person that she was, not the person i thought she was like.

i mean, undoubtedly, she was one hell of a good teacher. she was also obviously tough and strict and unforgiving as a teacher, especially to particular kinds of students. but i also found out that she was one of the kindest, sweetest women one could possibly get to know. she was also sensible and strong and fiercely independent. she had an awesome sense of humor and fantastic timing. she loved to laugh, and she did with so much joy.

i remember when i saw her in july. she said she was glad that i always visited whenever i was home. then she said she was glad to see me, because she was afraid that, the next time i visited, she wouldn't be around anymore. i told her that, of course, she would always be around, and we would definitely see each other again when i returned in december. it makes me sad knowing that i'm not going to see her when i return home, but i also know that all's well. she was ready to go, so she did. she was that kind of person.

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i couldn't go to the memorial, so i wrote this. thank you, ma'am ebang, for everything. you'll be missed!

So Over

Originally posted on my Friendster blog on 17 November 2006.

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so i found out some things have changed on the philippine idol front, and a friend has said they're all for the good. the airing of the shows has moved from a sat-sun to a sun-mon night schedule. the voting period has been cut down to two hours from what used to be a 24-hour event. there are also guest judges who are said to be tougher and more critical than the resident judges. and thanks to all these changes, jeli mateo and ken dingle have now been eliminated, to which, yay, but then again, not! i'm just so over philippine idol by now it doesn't matter anymore (and as i say this, all my friends nod and say, 'about f&@%ing time too!').

i guess it can be likened to being in a relationship that has been so bad for a long time that even if things have started getting better, you find yourself not caring, because, really, you've moved on. it's like you wake up one morning, and you think, 'it just can't go on anymore.' and so you break if off. and while you think that maybe you have been harsh and cruel in your decision, because things, after all, are getting better, you know that no matter the good now, it just can't outweigh the bad before, so, really, it's the right thing to do. then you close your eyes. then you breathe. in the case of philippine idol, that would be your ears flapping to thank you for finally stopping the additional damage you've been inflicting on them.

Time for A Cool, Cool Change

Originally posted on my Friendster blog 16 November 2006 in lieu of my blog revamp. I don't have the old blog, but
here's what replaced it. :-)

indeed. so here's a new style and layout to my blog and a new title, too. the first time i posted here, it was really just on a whim and i didn't really think i'd be able to post again, so what i did was i skimmed through the blog-building process, chose the design with the color that was closest to purple (my default color, because, i think, of lavenders, which i love), and used the first title that came to mind. when i found myself posting again, and then again, i had thought of revamping the whole thing. i realized the purple color wasn't exactly the kind of purple i wanted, and the title was just, well, like the title of so many other blogs and articles and whathaveyous circulating online. (don't get me wrong; i still like the whole 'aimless wanderings' idea, because, really, that's what i do, but i also thought maybe i should try a little harder in coming up with a title.) never got a chance to do any revamping though, because i'd been totally swamped with work and school stuff.

now that i'm done with my comprehensive exams (yay!) and the writing of my thesis proposal (double yay!), i told myself i better start changing a few things here and there, before i start drowning again. i mean, it's a bit quiet now, but i still have an oral defense to prepare for--and dread and agonize over--and final papers to check. i also have exam duties and some paperwork to do before i can take off, and, of course, christmas shopping, which can take a huge amount of time and energy. (i like pretending i don't like christmas shopping--you know, i try to make it seem like it's a chore or a duty, or when i say 'christmas shopping,' i sort of roll my eyes--but it's hard, because i really do--in the i-smile-and-get-really-excited-when-i-think-about-it kind of way.) so, anyway, now that i still have some time to spare: this blog is gonna get totally made over! :)

my choice of this new layout and design is based primarily on the name of this style: sunburned. no, not because i'm in a very hot country where i get sunburned every time i leave the house (over the last few weeks, about five people commented that my skin was getting darker, to which i didn't really know how to reply, so i just said, yeah, i guess so). it's also not because i like getting all tanned up, because, yikes, no (for some reason, this reminds me of people with really bad fake tan they look orange). i guess it's really just because i thought the name was cute, and it matched very well with the dashes of red and the various shades of (coffee with milk) brown on the page. also, and i think this is important, my horoscope today said i should add more reds and browns to my wardrobe. yes, seriously. i immediately thought, why not to my blog as well?! hehe.

as for the new title, 'uptakes' is taken from one of the books i was required to read for my second comprehensive exam. i know i complained a lot about a lot of stuff on my reading list, but not about this one. i guess it's one of those books i'm just happy i got to read whatever the circumstances may be of why i came to read it. i suppose i've to thank the members of my panel for that. anyway, the term just really points to how language is all a matter of uptake--that is, person a puts forth something, and person b takes it up. the logical conclusion is that, after this exchange, person a and person b arrive at an understanding. but it's not really all that simple. first off, there is no guarantee that person b will take up whatever person a said; it's also not guaranteed that person b will take up what person a said in the manner that person a intended. or it's possible that person b, even if s/he understood what person a said in the intended manner, would refuse to take it up, simply because s/he could.

underlying all these then is the fact that the discursive field in which people engage and interact is often already stratified. when people enter discourse, they don't enter a blank space; rather, they enter a place already filled with all kinds of inscriptions and attributions that privilege some participants and limit others. moreover, people themselves are rarely in equal or symmetrical relations; they know this, and they act accordingly. so person b, for instance, refuses to accept what person a is saying, because s/he deems it unacceptable, and s/he can make that judgment, because s/he has the authority to decide on what's acceptable or not. put this way then, 'uptake' becomes a site of contention, of power struggle.

i know these aren't exactly new ideas. i think most everybody knows that the world we live in is unfair, and there are rich people and poor ones, and all sorts of classifications that put people in place. but my joy in all these, my excitement, lies in how a certain term, something actually quite common, becomes something else entirely, because someone chose it and used it to make sense of a phenomenon that is so obvious and yet so difficult to grasp. what i love about all these is how something is explained to me in such a way that it becomes more illuminating of what i already know--such that the knowledge i have actually becomes (and feels) brand new.

so 'uptakes' it is. i have to make it clear though: i didn't choose the term to turn this blog into a site of power struggle and/or whatever else i said above. i decided to use it, because i just really like the term, and it sort of applies, i think, in the sense that, 'here's my uptake, will you take it up?' bwahahaha. the author of the book would probably kill me if he found out i ever used his term/concept this way. it's a good thing he never would. :)

in closing, i was just thinking if i really needed to think so much about this whole revamp thing, and if i really had to subject you to the process. then, i realized, for some time now, all i've been doing is trying to explain and justify every piece of data, every theoretical framework, every methodology, every little thing that i intend to include in my research project. so maybe it's carried itself over to other aspects of my life as well. you may just want to indulge me a little bit then.


p.s. okay, i just had to do it. the old title of this blog would just have to have its place somewhere in here. i guess i'm lucky there's such a thing as subtitles. hehe. then i had to add some synonymous phrases for balance, because having just one phrase up there kind of looked sad.

Oh Joy, Oh Jade

Originally posted on my Friendster blog on 29 October 2006.

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i've started watching america's next top model season, ooops, i mean cycle, 6 again. i stopped watching it at some point because i just couldn't take how bad some of the contestants looked. yes, real bad. as in, fugly kind of bad. i know it's mean to say that and all, but i can't help it. i mean, i'm just telling the truth. and besides what's the point of watching tv, reality tv specifically, if you can't be snarky, right? anyway, now that the number of contestants has been trimmed down, i realized there are actually some girls who are pretty and photograph well, which i think i didn't see before, because there was so much, well, unpleasant distraction. but i didn't really start watching again because of these girls. it was because of one of the fuglies remaining on the show, jade, who turns out to be, surprise, surprise, a master of words. every time she showcases her linguistic prowess, she just gives me such joy.

last week, she coined the word 'cut-throatiness' to refer to the cut-throat business that is modeling. then, she composed a poem and said she wanted to share it with the viewers. it went this way: 'heaven and hell, earth power wind force, make me listen, and my strength will be my source.' profound, huh? and it rhymes. (does it also remind you of a certain singing group?) this week, when they, the contestants, were tasked to sell themselves to the judges, she described her body as 'proportionable.' in closing, she also said, 'i'm blah, blah, blah, what you see is what you get. don't judge the book by its cover.' yes, she said that. exactly like that. i have to say jade makes the english language very exciting indeed. oh, and she refers to herself as the undiscovered supermodel. hahaha. thank god for jade. she makes me so happy in these dire times.

WTF

Originally posted on my Friendster blog on October 25, 2006.

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wtf is going on with philippine idol? this is the second non-elimination week, and it just doesn't seem right. i mean, the first time was understandable with milenyo and all, but this time, i just don't think i can buy the technical problem whathaveyou reason they came up with. i think the real reason has to do with better contestants getting voted off week after week, and they're trying to do damage control, since i suppose, another one of the better contestants would have gotten the boot this week too. oh well. whatever. i didn't really think that how much money a contestant has will factor so much in this competition, because it never seemed to be an issue in the other countries that have the idol franchise, but i guess it's different in the philippines. it's kind of sad, really, that the good singers are getting booted out simply because they don't have family and friends who can afford to call or text a gazillion times or buy boxes upon boxes of those philippine idol phone cards (or whatever that new voting thing they're having is called).

then again, the show's demographics is not really clear. since it's hard to tell who's watching, where they're coming from, and how huge a group they make, it's hard to judge and make generalizations about the voting results. it may be the case that those who watch the show don't really vote--unless they're related to the contestants in one way or another. as a case in point, i watch the show, but i'm hardly the type who'd vote. (and given where i am and that i see the show days later, i can't anyway.) it's also possible that since the show is on channel 5, it doesn't really get the kind of promotion and viewership that competing shows in other, more established networks get. maybe, not many people outside of the contestants' circles, e.g., family, friends, colleagues, kapitbahay, watch the show, which, i guess, means that even if these people do vote, their votes won't make much of a difference in light of the heavy voting some contestants are getting.

often, i ask myself why i even bother watching philippine idol. i mean, i just saw jeli mateo's performance of 'paglisan' and it was such a god awful mess. (it was especially hard for me to listen because 'paglisan' happens to be one of my most favorite songs ever, and i really like the rawness and vulnerability with which cookie chua sang it.) let me put this in perspective, i'm not exactly the type of person who can make judgments about singing ability, quality of voice, etc (i myself couldn't sing if my life depended on it--though i try, haha), but i knew, in this case, her rendition was really horrible. i mean, she was all over the place and didn't seem to know what to do with the song. i also didn't like how she kept closing her eyes and gesticulating with her free hand. it was probably her way of showing emotion, but to me, it was just awkward. it was the picture of someone trying very hard to reach the notes and failing miserably.

and i can't even begin to talk about ken dingle's version of 'ligaya.' somebody shoot this guy already and put him (and me) out of his (my) misery.

Jolted

Originally posted on my Friendster blog on 11 October 2006.

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here's something i found while googling stuff for the transcription bit of my research. i didn't think something like this would pop out, and was quite taken aback, jolted in fact, after reading it. i've been so focused on methodology and design and objectivity issues all this time i forgot about those things that cannot be captured in transcription, those that i probably won't be able to be objective about, try as i might. i know this is not exactly the kind of thing i'll be transcribing, but nevertheless, i think it's worth thinking about. here it is:

The transcriber speaks

I was the commission's own captive,
Its anonymous after-hours scribe,
Professional blank slate.
Word by word by word
From winding tape to hieroglyphic key,
From sign to sign, I listened and wrote.
Like bricks for a kiln or tiles for a roof
Or the sweeping of leaves into piles for burning:
I don't know which:
Word upon word upon word.
At first unpunctuated
Apart from quotations and full stops.
But how to transcribe silence from tape?
Is weeping a pause or a word?
What written sign for a strangled throat?
And a witness pointing? That I described,
When officials identified direction and name.
But what if she stared?
And if the silence seemed to stretch
Past the police guard, into the street
Away to a door or a grave or a child,
Was it my job to conclude:
"The witness was silent. There was nothing left to say"?

-Ingrid de Kok

Back

Originally posted on my Friendster blog on 09 October 2006.

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just got back from some much-needed r&r, and also, a bit of research. i'm not exactly glad to be back to the daily grind, but i guess, i can't really complain, as i've had my break--and i've to say it was just perfect. here's why:

1. i got to visit some new places, one a garden, the other a cafe, and tried, well, flowers for food. i don't think i'll make a habit of it, but, i realized flowers aren't so bad--when they're mixed in with other kinds of things, that is. hehe. whatever. the flowers were good.

2. i got treated to a kundiman serenade over dinner, and simply loved it. the man singing was old and didn't look like a professional singer, which, to me, made his singing somehow more real and heartfelt. he was singing as if he really knew how it was to love and lose and love again.

3. i got to sleep in starched linen that felt and smelled so good i never wanted to get out of bed. i don't know if it was the linen, or maybe it was just the fact that my 1st comprehensive exam was over, or a combination of both perhaps, but i was finally able to sleep without waking up every 15 minutes or so. for the first time in a long time, i woke up refreshed and cheerful--and ready for more flowers. hehe.

4. i also got to taste the best hot chocolate and peanut butter cookies ever. the hot chocolate was just the right bittersweet; it also had chocolate bits that would make you stop whatever you were saying or doing, so you could just smile silly and savor the drink (or, in one friend's case, so she could order another pot, hehe). the peanut butter cookies were actually an afterthought--or was it the chocolate muffins, which were, ahm, good, but not remarkable? anyway, the cookies were huge and moist and so peanut-y we immediately regretted not buying more than the one bag that we did and made a promise to come back if only for the cookies.

5. i was given a classic didion, an artemis fowl, and 2 books written by bob ong. this means i got some new books that are not at all school-related. yay!

but i guess, more than all these, it was the quiet and peace and slowness of the whole thing that made this break truly remarkable for me. now, as for the research bit, i finally got the stuff i needed, and nothing and nobody could stop me now. hahaha. seriously, i was able to do some work in between the sleeping and eating and lazing around. i was actually surprised i got a few things done. nothing major, but enough to keep this week, and perhaps, a bit of the next, less hectic. at least, that's what i'm hoping for.

oh, and some good news: i managed to pass my 1st comprehensive exam, despite failing to resolve structural ambiguities through a common enough exercise in syntax: tree diagramming (i know, i know, ma'am flores won't be too happy to know about this), and despite explaining the notion of minimal pairs in terms of presence and absence (whatever, it's still a binary, and i like presences and absences!). so congratulations to me! but it's not over yet; i'm on to the 2nd, which is scheduled on 1 nov. when i told my brother, he jokingly said they'd include me in their prayers back home. (my family usually says a litany of all saints' day prayers. ) i have a little over three weeks to prepare for the exam, and the reading list is more than i can possibly read in half a year, that is, if i really keep at it, so i say, whatever helps.

I Carry Your Heart

Originally posted on my Friendster blog on 12 September 2006.

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this goes to the caterpillar who gets another stripe today:

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

--ee cummings

Nim Chimpsky

Originally posted on my Friendster blog on 10 September 2006.

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just a little something which i thought was hilarious. as i read through the chapter on animal language in yule's introductory book 'the study of language,' i learned that there was once a chimpanzee named nim chimpsky who was taught sign language. nim chimpsky is, of course, a play on 'noam chomsky,' which happens to be the name of this great american linguist (who changed the course of modern linguistics with the publication of his tranformational-generative theory of language in the 1960s--haha). i wonder if chomsky knows about the existence of nim. probably not, since chomsky, who is not at all concerned with how language is used by humans, probably won't care about how it is used by chimps or if chimps have the capacity for it all. in fact, i believe chomsky also said that the language faculty is uniquely human, so, there, that definitely crosses nim out. poor chimp.

coming back to nim, he was actually able to learn and use sign language, but not to the extent that humans are able to employ it. this means he produces mostly short words and mainly for the purpose of getting rewards (now, isn't this the purpose for humans as well? haha). when he comes up with long structures, it is often a combination of the short words he has already acquired and without any expansion. in addition, he is unable to initiate communication; he just basically responds to those around him. nim is actually one of the many experiments that try to teach animals language. i think the most popular one is the experiment with the chimp called washoe. anyway, given the results of these experiments, it seems chomsky is right that indeed the language faculty is only for humans.

i know i should be getting more from my reading than chimps learning sign language and word plays like nim chimpsky. but this revision process is just so tedious that i guess i just take from it whatever i can. also, with terms and concepts such as [+ - voice] labio-dental fricatives and high, back vowels, phrase structure rules and tree diagrams, hyponymy and entailments, diglossia and speakers' choices, and linguistic variation and social stratification, nim chimpsky is a breath of fresh air. i'd like to think this is all going to stop once i'm done with my exam on thursday, but the thursday exam is actually just the first of a series. there's one more in november and another in december. yay! not.

but i guess i really just have to push myself and start looking at this in a different light. it's probably for my own good to go back to the basics anyway and learn about other things as well. i mean, the problem sometimes is, we go to the higher processes right away when there's still so much grounding that needs to be done in terms of the basic principles. for instance, critiquing chomky's tg when you don't even know what a phrase structure rule is, or doing critical discourse analysis when you can't even begin to explain what discourse means is hardly ideal. or sometimes, people get so specialized they begin to think only their own work matters. they fail to see the interesting things happening in other fields and the interconnections between what they and others are doing. and if these two don't work, i guess i can just always think that, in certain company, saying 'voiced alveo-palatal affricate' to refer to the initial sound in the word 'judge' can increase one's level of desirability (although i'm afraid to imagine what kind of company this is, haha).

alright, that's enough prompting for me in a day. i really should go back to my reading now. i just have to, in the words of the mighty tim gunn, 'carry on!'

One Girl's Journey in this Gendered Terrain

Originally posted on my Friendster blog 31 August 2006.

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done, done, done! it wasn't fantastic, but i did my job, and i think, all things considered, it went down pretty well. so here it is, this thing i put together for this thing that i had to do early today. and, oh, it goes to the caterpillar who pulled and kept me together while i almost broke down at the bus stop this morning. (i was already 15 minutes late, it was raining like it never rained before, all the cabs were hired, and it was perhaps one of the most important things i had to do this term.)

"i know it's all very general, but i was given 10 minutes, so it was hard to deal with specifics."

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i think my thoughts about gender began when i was about 9 or 10. of course, at that time, i didn’t know what the concept of gender was or that my thoughts actually meant something in terms of a bigger picture. they were just thoughts, and, often, they didn’t last for very long. for instance, i’d wonder why my brother and male cousins were allowed to play outside with their toy soldiers and toy guns until late in the evening, while my female cousins and i were often asked to stay inside the house as we played with our dolls, and if we ever ventured outside, we were almost always called to get back in right away. i’d wonder, too, why i had to wear dresses to church, while my brother could wear pretty much anything he liked. and in church, i wondered about this man who was always clad in really bright dresses, often in hues of red and orange. whenever i asked my mom about why he was wearing a dress, she would say because he wasn’t right.

there were other things i noticed as i grew older: the way the men in my family would drink and smoke after dinner during family gatherings, while the women fixed up—a kind of division lost to me when i was a kid, but which became a particular concern when, at a certain age, i was called on to help fix up; or how a female friend was said to be a disgrace to her family when she got pregnant out of wedlock, when, in fact, earlier, her brother who got someone pregnant, also out of wedlock, was scolded, but wasn’t seen as a disgrace. however, as i said earlier, these were just thoughts, and they didn’t last for very long.

when i went to university, i met a girl who called herself a feminist and attended a class where the teacher said a gendered framework would be used in our reading of texts. i believe it was in the course of these interactions that my earlier thoughts about gender resurfaced, but this time, they lasted and sought explanation. so i realized that the things i thought about when i was much younger didn’t just happen in my family; they happen in a lot of families. i found out that boy and girls are socialized differently, assigned different roles and expectations, and expected to look and behave in different ways. i learned about double standards and how they manifest in laws, institutional policies, in the stories i read, even in the advertisements i see every day. i acquired a term for people who deviate from society’s gender ascriptions and the penalty they are forced to pay for doing so. much more, i began to see how all these, most unfortunately, often translate to violence—may it be physical, emotional, or sexual—committed against women, often by men.

angered by these realizations of gender discrimination and inequalities, high on this newfound awareness, and wanting so badly to make a difference, i turned to a more systematic study of gender. i enrolled in classes on gender theory and representations of women’s bodies, read on different kinds of feminism and discussed each one nonstop with whomever would care to listen, and wrote almost always with a defined gendered lens and some kind of political agenda for class projects. i had thought, once i had mastered the field, things would change. i thought by then i would have understood everything about the gender issues that confronted me and those around me. i thought by then i would have been able to offer some kind of explanation or a particular framework that would somehow resolve these issues and make things a better place for women, and perhaps for men as well. at that time, i was so ready and raring to change the world.

flashforward to today.

i’d have to say that while i did learn so much more about—and most times experienced firsthand—patriarchy, sexism, gender inequalities, and the many ways by which they manifest in the world, i can’t say that i have mastered the field, much less changed the world. while gender studies has given me frameworks, methodologies, a set of tools, to interpret, examine, and challenge the inequalities i see, it has not given me a single, definitive theory that would make things right. while gender studies has given me a nuanced awareness of the workings of gender in society and how they are used to maintain social order and various kinds of oppression, it doesn’t mean i have begun to understand everything.

i remember one gender theory class i had where a classmate and i would just get really depressed after every lecture. we were beginning to see that the more we read and got ourselves involved in all these issues, the more complex they became. first off, it’s not just gender. gender interacts with other social categories as well, such as age, ethnicity, class, socioeconomic status, so gender cannot be examined in isolation, as it is bound up with all these other things. second, the way gender oppression and sexual discrimination work is not exactly visible; they work in subtle and insidious ways, and are most times so institutionalized we don’t even see they’re there. finally, gender itself is a category that is not fixed nor constant; it is a construct, and like all constructs, it evolves. as such it demands new ways of seeing, new methodologies, new tools. in the end, i learned, and these are perhaps the most important lessons of all, that it’s all very complicated, and there are no simple answers, and it can be quite frustrating.

i think i had been this really idealistic, sorely mistaken young girl back then with my thoughts of girl power and changing the world and solving all the world’s problems. today, i’d like to think i’m still idealistic, but i hope i’m not mistaken anymore. i know now that i cannot change the world, and, really, i no longer care for that. what i care for now is just plodding through and doing the work that i have set out to do, and perhaps it will translate to some change, no matter how slight, in my own little corner of the world. what i care for now is making sure that my work is grounded in my own positionality as a filipino woman with my harsh philippine realities, on the one hand, and the academic field in which i have chosen to do my work, on the other. finally, i just take comfort in the fact that what i do is part of a bigger and stronger effort, within that broad category gender studies, which, may, years and years and years from now, just lead to the changes and reforms we’ve all been hoping for.

The Weakness In Me

Originally posted on my Friendster blog on 24 August 2006.

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i’m not the sort of person who falls in and quickly out of love but to you i gave my affection right from the start i have a lover who loves me how could i break such a heart yet still you get my attention why do you come here when you know i’ve got troubles enough why do you call me when you know i can’t answer the phone make me lie when i don’t want to and make someone else some kind of an unknowing fool you make me stay when i should not are you so strong or is all the weakness in me why do you come here and pretend to be just passing by when i mean to see you and i mean to hold you tightly feeling guilty worried waking from tormented sleep this old love has me bound but the new love cuts deep if i choose now i’ll lose out one of you has to fall and i need you and you why do you come here when you know i’ve got troubles enough why do you call me when you know i can’t answer the phone and make me lie when i don’t want to and make someone else some kind of an unkowing fool you make me stay when i should not are you so strong or is all the weakness in me why do you come here and pretend to be just passing by when i mean to see you and i mean to hold you tightly
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i've been listening to this song over and over for a few days now. in fact, i have created a special playlist on my itunes for the two versions of this song--the original by joan armatrading and the one by melissa etheridge--and spent a considerable amount of time on youtube looking for videos/clips where it has been used. i can't really explain why i am so into the song, so i won't even try. it just really does something to me is all.

Reunion Show

This is my very first blog ever. Posted it 20 August 2006 on my Friendster blog.

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i just saw the reunion show of the project runway season 2 cast. god, the show was hilarious. i was laughing the whole time and wishing the show wouldn't end (this despite a really terrible headache and some eye-twitching on the side). i didn't know the season 2 designers were so funny, funnier even than the season 1 designers, until i saw the show. all the while, i thought they were rather grim and hardcore, based on the episodes i saw, which, for some reason, always had santino ranting and talking back to the judges. also, in the episodes i saw, the designs were rather lame compared to the season 1 creations. i realized i didn't see the episodes where the designers were having fun and the designs were actually awesome (i have to say kara saun, jay, and austin still rule, though!).

i didn't see all the episodes, because when season 2 started airing here in singapore, i left for the philippines to do my field work--yes, school always gets in the way. hehe. at that time, season 2 was actually airing in the philippines, on discovery travel and living, i think; however, i was never really home to see the show. when i got back here, the season was almost at its end--thus, the reunion show. it's a real bummer not to have seen so many episodes, but at least, i'll get to see the last two shows. and of course, olympus fashion week. yay! by the way, season 3 has started airing, too, and this time, i'm updated. all i can say is thank god for youtube.

coming back to the reunion show, i really loved the montage where the designers, santino and nick especially, were singing ala broadway. they were singing about daniel f, who i think at that time just got eliminated, and the possibility of his returning for season 3. (daniel f could be quite creepy. when he was asked if he would return for season 3, he said he just might, then he said, 'i love you, heidi.' heidi, i think, tried very hard to keep a straight face. that was just weird.) aside from that musical montage, santino's spiel/tim gunn impersonation 'what happened to andrae?' was just brilliant. santino basically created this story about tim gunn and andrae having some kind of affair, and it was just crazy, especially when footage of tim gunn asking after andrae was shown as santino was narrating the so-called affair. there was also footage of daniel v bending over with laughter and chloe laughing so hard she had tears in her eyes while this was going on.

but the best really was andrae's montage. i had always thought he was rather volatile and overly expressive. for example, in one of the episodes i saw, zulema asked for a walk-off, which, well, evoked a lot of different emotions from the designers, but the expression on andrae's face was priceless: his mouth opened real wide, and his eyes went wild, and it was like that for a long time he looked just a little bit insane. in the reunion show, they showed a montage of andrae with all these crazy expressions on his face. apparently, the camera captured each and every one of them. hehe. then there was the clip of his meltdown at the runway that lasted for about 10 minutes. i read somewhere he had a meltdown, but i didn't know it lasted that long. the judges obviously didn't know how to react to him and, i think, they weren't sure if it was for real. heidi actually pointed that out; she said that since andrae was from los angeles, they weren't sure whether it was real or he was just acting. i don't have any opinion on that. all i know is the last thing he said (very tearfully) sort of touched me: 'i know it's just clothes, but it's also my life.' god, i love andrae. he's just so funny.

i'm really excited to see the final show. originally, i was unhappy with santino being part of the final 3 (i had wanted nick), but after seeing the reunion show, i thought it's just right that he's part of the finale, because he makes good tv. thing is i never really liked santino's designs. they're too out there for me. but i'm not really a fashion person, so what do i know, right? oh well. anyway, i'm looking forward to seeing chloe's and daniel v's collection.

Back Again

So I'm here again after almost a year. And this time, I'm sticking, or at least I hope I will. Hehe. To show my sincerity, I will now transfer all my blog posts from other places, and make this place feel a little bit like home.