Fence-Sitting

i picture a young girl, sitting on a fence, legs spread apart, knees jutting out to two different directions, trying mightily hard not to fall off. i see her hair up in a ponytail, her uncomfortable body in a crisp white shirt and torn, fading jeans, and her face attempting what looks like a smile. she fishes out a cigarette from somewhere, lights it, inhales, lets the smoke out, and her eyes follow its billows in the air. the image stops here, because if i continue, she falls off to one side or the other, perhaps tired of the balancing act, or maybe because of a cramp, or blown away perhaps by a particularly strong wind or, maybe, on her own volition, realizing nothing will happen if she stays there. i don't like seeing that girl, so young and fresh, fall off. i want her to stay on the fence, no matter how uncomfortable it gets, basking in her youth and freshness.

*****

the image of a fence sitting girl has long been on my mind. i think it has to do mostly with my fascination with fence sitting, a term and concept often seen as a negative thing. i understand why the term is loaded with negative connotations. for one, not taking a side usually translates to being indecisive, to not having a backbone, to being a coward. it is also often seen as a sign of apathy or indifference or flakiness. to some, not taking a side suggests a particular brand of opportunism where the fence sitting person is actually waiting for the majority decision before she makes her own. and, finally, on a more practical level, not taking a side simply means not getting things done; it means inefficiency, ineffectiveness.

there is another kind of fence sitting, however, which i think does not mean any of the things above. it's the one where a person does not take a side, because she wants time and space to make sense of the different positions laid out before her. it means exploring possibilities and alternatives, and not settling with an either/or position simply because it is what people in general demand. it means not being carried away by the strong currents of popular opinion. it means being brave and bold to stay in the middle, even if it means getting hit by the traffic coming from both sides. ultimately, i think it is about looking at and examining different truths and realities, and weighing them--constantly weighing them, because truths and realities are never fixed. they are always contingent on the circumstances surrounding them and which they have, in fact, also created.

thus, the image of the fence sitting girl.