Fence-Sitting and Other Stories

Mountain Meadows, Sunny Days, and Shoes Off

2008-11-17T18:40:00.000+08:00

Let me preface this post by saying that I'm not a tea person. I've always thought of myself as more of a coffee person. (I mean, I surely love the taste of coffee much better than tea.) Years of drinking too much coffee have finally taken its toll on me, however, so now I can only drink one cup of coffee a day. (And even that is a bit of a treat. Well, I used to drink four to five tumblers--tall Starbucks tumbler size--of black coffee every day for years, so I suppose I've just about drunk up all the caffeine my body could take.) But as I still need to keep myself awake most days (the energizing effect of caffeine is obviously not as long term as its effect on one's stomach lining), I've turned to tea.

And because tea is not exactly my cup of ...gasp...tea (goes to show how writing has been a major pain for me for some time now), I'm always on the lookout for tea that I'll actually like. Almost always, when I go to the supermarket, I'll spend some time checking out the tea section. So last night, I found myself in the tea section of the supermarket again. I wasn't just checking it out for some new tea though. I was buying, because I just ran out of my favorite mandarin orange green tea, which, I could get only in Manila.

The usual brands were there, but there were also a couple of new ones. I picked up one of the new ones, but put it down when on the carton, it said that I should use a teapot and china because they'd really set off the rich infusions of this particular tea. (I sort of understand why, but I don't have a teapot and definitely no china.)

So I picked up this other one. I thought the packaging looked good, and it didn't require special pots and cups, but it was pretty expensive for me at 10.65sgd. My usual box of tea cost between 4 to 6sgd. I put it down and thought of just going back to this tea I'd tried before and sort of liked. For some reason though, I went back and picked up that 'expensive' tea again.

Going over the box again, I read something I didn't realize was there earlier. Here's what it says:

Did you know?

A single cup of [this tea] has been known to have the same effect as sitting for 45 minutes in a mountain meadow on a sunny day with your shoes off.

I suppose you could guess what happened after. On the bus home, I was smiling stupidly, anticipating 45 minutes of sunshine and mountain meadows and shoes off.

And yeah, I know it's been ages since I last posted anything here, so this is also me letting you know I'm still here--alive but barely. Writing (that other kind of writing I pretend I can do) is really kicking my butt very hard these days. And that's why copies like the ones above totally suck me in.

UPDATE: I suppose there's still some truth in advertising sometimes. That tea really was 45 minutes of sitting in a mountain meadow on a sunny day with my shoes off. I'm so happy to have found it. :)

Jose Rizal's 147th Birthday--Singapore Style

2008-07-02T18:51:00.010+08:00

I posted this somewhere else weeks ago with the intention of reposting it here right away. But you know how things sometimes happen and one gets caught up and forgets about what she's supposed to do. Here it is, anyway--a couple of weeks later:
-----
Ok, a disclaimer before I begin: I don't normally celebrate Jose Rizal's birthday. (Nothing wrong in celebrating it, but I just didn't get around to doing it, I suppose. Hehe.) The title is too good to pass up, however, because the day, 19 June, Rizal's birthday, actually began with a lecture about Jose Rizal (delivered by foremost Rizal historian Ambeth Ocampo) and his trips to Singapore. It was followed by the unveiling of a Jose Rizal Marker by the Singapore River in honor of these trips.

The lecture was both fun and insightful and taught me a number of new things about Jose Rizal, the most interesting of which for me was how he visited the Botanic Gardens every time he set foot in Singapore. (I say 'set foot' because in his last visit here, he was a prisoner already meant for execution in Manila, so he wasn't able to get off the ship.) I found it interesting in the sense that the Botanic Gardens is still very much around, and I haven't been there. I suppose knowing Rizal went back to visit it several times has given me an incentive to finally visit and walk the very same path Rizal did--and maybe see for myself what it was about the place that had so captivated Rizal. The unveiling was uneventful, though I thought it was a bit of a thrill to see the President of Singapore, S.R. Nathan, there.

It was a really nice day for an unveiling. It was sunny and breezy. I also thought the location of the marker was perfect. I could imagine Rizal sitting in that same spot by the river, either lost in thought or writing compulsively.

Originally, the lecture/unveiling was supposed to be followed by a night-out with friends, but they couldn't make it, because they couldn't get out of work (again! hmph!). Not to be deterred, Fama and I decided to go ahead with our plans. Reservations had been made, and it was, after all, Jose Rizal's birthday. :) We had a(n unexpectedly) good (even great) pizza and pasta dinner at Pasta Fresca Da Salvatore at Boat Quay. The four cheese pizza with parma harma was absolutely delicious, and so was the pasta marinara in white wine.

Not sure about the other stuff in the menu, but these two were good. It was a bit of a surprise for us, because many of the Italian places we'd tried here weren't really that good. Or at least, what they offered didn't really match our expectations.

After dinner, we walked around the area and took lots of pictures. We needed to walk off all the carbo we ingested in preparation for what was to come.

Next stop was what I'd been dreaming of for some while now: the chocolate buffet at The Courtyard of the Fullerton Hotel. Upon seeing the chocolate fountain, I knew I was in chocolate heaven.

I totally enjoyed the Fullerton chocolate cake and the chocolate-coated strawberries. There were lots of goodies, of course, but these two were the best. Well, there was also the cranberry pudding with chocolate cream sauce. And the chocolate and vanilla creme brulee. And the... Oh, ok, you get my drift.

I know it seemed like at this point we had forgotten about Jose Rizal, but not really. Because when we tasted the hot chocolate that capped off our chocolate feast, we immediately started talking about Rizal and his 'tsokolate eh' and 'tsokolate ah'. We definitely had 'tsokolate eh' that night and ended the day with Rizal in mind.

Remembering Robert and his 7 standards of textuality

2008-07-02T03:21:00.008+08:00

I found out tonight that Robert de Beaugrande passed away a few days ago. I don't know him personally, of course, and he's not exactly one of the critics/theorists whose works I've been reading (and going crazy over, both in a good and/or bad way) for the past few years. He, however, holds a special place in my linguistic education.

I suppose I owe my knowledge of de Beaugrande first and foremost to Ubaldo Stecconi, the teacher who introduced de Beaugrande's work to me. I have to admit, I didn't quite understand what it was about at that time. I remember getting a photocopy of some text, which seemed more like an outline to me than an essay. It was talking about the seven standards of textuality. (If you clicked on the link and went as far as Chapter 1, which was the chapter given to us, then you can see what I mean. I believe the online copy is exactly the same as my photocopy; only it was reformatted for online consumption.) All I knew was I liked the notion of 'intertextuality', the seventh and the last standard, a lot, though I'm quite sure I didn't quite grasp what it really meant.

I thought part of the reason I couldn't get it was the text itself. It didn't seem reader-friendly. Another reason could be that I was perhaps too distracted by our teacher, Ubaldo Stecconi, who would go to class with shirt unbuttoned and sleeves rolled up, complaining of the heat in this strange yet charming Italian accent, and who would look at your face so intently you'd forget he was your teacher. Or I thought it had to do with my not getting Ferdinand de Saussure. Before de Beaugrande, Stecconi made us read parts of Saussure's Course in General Linguistics. I read about the train arriving at the same time every day on that same platform. To the passenger, it was the same train, but really, it was not the same train. I read about the chain of signification and binary oppositions, and the world tilted a little bit and I was lost. (Little did I know back then that things were bound to become even more complicated. Had I known, I wouldn't have complained so much.)

Much later, when I had discovered discourse analysis and critical discourse analysis, when discourse had begun to hold such fascination for me, I realized the reason I couldn't get de Beaugrande before was simple: I wasn't ready. It was the first semester of my sophomore year. During my first year, I did all GE courses. The only core course I had taken was English 100, and I took it during the summer. And English 100 was an introductory course. It was basically a smorgasbord of linguistic theories and things ranging from phonology to morphology to syntax to semantics--but never really reaching discourse. Back then, there was no discourse analysis class, and discourse didn't really mean anything much.

Of course, many of the issues that de Beaugrande raised in his text linguistics are problematic in today's context. (As I said, things just become more and more complicated as you go along.) But to me, his work remains a very good introduction to the study of discourse and will be useful to anyone who's interested in studying it. I remember the fun my students and I had, when in teaching de Beaugrande's standards of textuality, I made them analyze Jose Garcia Villa's 'The Emperor's New Clothes' and 'The Bashful One' using these standards. Imagine a blank page with only the title 'The Emperor's New Clothes' or some squiggly mark hiding on the page and proclaiming itself a poem called 'The Bashful One'. It doesn't even have to be literary. It can be a commonplace sign, just like what de Beaugrande used:

SLOW
CHILDREN
AT PLAY

According to his obituary, de Beaugrande had a flamboyant personality. Of course, I didn't know that about him. What I know though is this: his is the first work that made me realize language can be analyzed as discourse--as one whole chunk of something--and in a way that is somewhat systematic and according to certain criteria. Yes, I'd been doing it long before, in literature classes, for one. I'd been doing it with friends and loved ones, even strangers, deciphering meanings from one conversation to the next. But within linguistics, then it would have to be him.

The Big Move and Other Related Adventures

2008-06-16T15:55:00.006+08:00

Having unpacked the last box last night and put its contents in their designated space in our new flat, I can finally--and with much delight--say that things are more or less back to normal. Yes, there are two suitcases full of clothes and a huge box full of readings that still need to be sent home, but that's going to be a breeze. I just need to get a balikbayan box (from some store called Jollibee Boxes no less!), fill it with all the stuff, then have it picked up. It's nothing compared to the big move and all that it entailed.

We moved to a new flat two weeks and two days ago. But a month (or a month and a half) before that, things were already hectic. First, we needed to find a flat. This year's flat hunting was actually smoother than last year's. We knew which area we wanted to live, we had a clear idea of how much we were willing to pay, and we knew how to deal with agents better. So after visiting three flats (the first was asking too much for what it actually offered; the second was very nice but we couldn't afford it; the last, though a bit far from school and the city, was also very nice and we could afford it, but it didn't work out in the end), we found one just a few blocks away from where we previously lived. (It was so close we just needed to change the last two digits of the zip code to show the change in block number. And, oh, the other thing, the flat was on the same floor as the previous one, so we didn't even have to change the floor number.)

The problem with this flat was, it was partially furnished, which meant it didn't have anything but an AC in each room. I was pretty struck by that actually, because I thought 'partially furnished' would at the very least include a fridge and washing machine, apart from the AC units. But no, I was wrong. There was no fridge, no washing machine, no beds, no dining table, no chairs, no sofa, no nothing. Until now, I'm not entirely sure why we decided to take it when it didn't really have anything. I suppose part of the reason was that the flat felt okay, maybe even a little nice, when we went to view it. I don't know if that makes sense, but sometimes, you get a feeling about a place, and I've always believed that if it's an okay, maybe even nice, feeling a place is giving you, then it's not so bad even if there are a few things here and there you want to complain about, and if it's within your budget and in the area you want, maybe you should take it.

I suppose we also took it because we were thinking buying the appliances and furnishing we needed would still be cheaper than getting a higher-priced flat in the end. Our agent was also very pleasant, and assured us it would not be difficult finding second-hand stuff, so that was a big plus. She also said that the tenants would probably leave their fridge, because it was old and it was just given to them, and it would actually be more expensive to move it than just leave it there. Over chicken rice and cheese prata and Milo (for me!) and Tiger beer and a successful finishing-a-dissertation story, we decided to take the flat. Yes, with its 2 AC units and (probably) an old fridge and nothing more.

In the next few weeks, we started looking for the best second-hand stuff. Alright, I'm not sure about the best, but we did get some decent second-hand stuff. Credit should go to the owner of our previous flat, who sold us his washing machine for 80sgd, and then told us to just take whatever else we needed--except for the fridge and tv, which he said would go to his sister (and which we wouldn't have taken for free anyway), and some furniture pieces, which would go to his mother (and which we didn't really want anyway, because they wouldn't go well with what we had in mind for the new place). In the end, we took his stove (+LPG) and stove stand, toaster oven, rice cooker, bed and matching bed frame, and other miscellaneous household items--all for free.

Our next goal was to get furniture. We made a plan to go to the Salvation Army, as we'd been advised by various people that we could get good stuff there. We checked online and found out that some branches of the store were open until 9pm on Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays. Wanting to avoid the sun and the heat of the day, we decided to go on a Friday to the store's Bukit Timah branch. Thea, my flatmate, and I checked streetdirectory.com for bus directions. We got two different sets of directions, but as there were overlaps, we thought they were the same--and the difference was just a glitch in the system, which streedirectory.com is prone to having anyway. We followed Thea's set of directions, because the bus in hers came first. It was only when we reached our destination that we realized the two sets of directions were actually for two different Salvation Army branches. The one we went to, somewhere in Little India, was the one that closed early.

I'm sure, those of you who are more or less familiar with these areas are wondering how we could have mistaken the two directions for the same if one led to Little India and the other to Bukit Timah, but, as you also probably know, Bukit Timah is a very, very, very long road. It went from end to end of, well, I'm not sure, but what I'm trying to say is that it goes on and on. I suppose we were on the right road, but we went the wrong way: we went left when we should have gone right. Also, you have to understand, even after three years in Singapore, my only hope, every time there are friends or relatives visiting, is that I don't get them lost, so it's not actually much of a surprise we ended up in the wrong side of town. But we were not worried, as it was still early, and we could definitely get to the Bukit Timah store before 9pm.

We did get to where we were supposed to be before 9pm, but the store was nowhere in sight. We called one of our friends who knew the place, and he said we were right where we should be. But, yeah, he did wonder why we were there so late. After explaining to him what the store website said, we went to the church lot where the store was supposed to be located and looked around. But, nothing, we couldn't find it. It was dark all around, and all we could see were the church, which was closed, and stores and restaurants, which, to our relief, were still open. At this point, Thea and I were so hungry--because it turned out this part of Bukit Timah was so far out it was probably closer to Malaysia--we didn't even have the energy to ask around. We were just so happy there was a Subway there. So there we went and ate and decided we'd just go to Ikea the next day. So as not to totally waste our time and efforts though, we went to the Cold Storage there and bought some stuff. We also saw a bakery and strudel store, so we bought apple and banana chocolate strudel and eclairs and vanilla rolls and cream puffs. In the end, it turned out we didn't waste our time after all.

The next day, we went to Ikea. We got a dining table, chairs, and a sofa for the common area. Thea got a mattress (the bed from the former owner is mine!) and I got my chair (which deserves its own blog post!). It took us about an hour to choose the items we wanted and arrange them for delivery. The staff there asked us if we wanted help in putting the furniture together, but we said no. We were confident we could put everything together. We were also thinking that the sofa, which would probably be the hardest to assemble, would come 'as is' and we wouldn't have to assemble it. We just couldn't imagine how it would have come in parts. There was also another reason: we were trying to avoid more expense.

Everything was looking good, and all we needed to do was pack our things and move. A week before the move, our agent informed us that the tenants wanted to sell us their fridge and washing machine together. Since we already secured a washing machine and knew that the fridge that was being sold to us was really old (in fact, we couldn't believe they'd actually sell it, though we think it's probably why they included the washing machine), we declined the offer. This meant we needed to find a fridge--and fast! I went through the online classifieds first, and found two good deals. I was too late on the first one, as it just got sold, and too early on the second, as it wouldn't be available until later. Thea and I decided to look at the newspapers we had accumulated while looking for a flat. Fortunately for us, we found a store that sold reconditioned stuff.

The store was in Ang Mo Kio, another area we weren't really familiar with. This time, though, we didn't get lost, found the place without much difficulty, and got a fridge in about 15 minutes. There was a bit of a suspenseful moment when the sales person told us we needed to add a few more dollars to make the fridge last longer, and then he paused, as if he wanted us to get used to the idea. Thea and I were a bit worried, because we didn't know how much 'a few more dollars' would translate into. And the pause was unnerving. Then he said, "You need to add 9sgd more." I guess you could imagine how relieved we were by that--but we were also curious as to why the sales person thought it was a big deal. On our way back, we decided he probably just had a flair for the dramatic. Or maybe he thought we were very poor. Whatever. The important thing was we got ourselves a fridge.

During our last week at our old place, we also made arrangements for phone and internet transfer. We hired a mover. We packed and packed and packed. When the day finally came to move, we were already so tired it was a wonder we were still able to carry some of our stuff ahead of the movers and cleaned parts of the new flat. That day and in the following days, we waited for deliveries, cleaned out cabinets and drawers and bookcases, soaped and washed and disinfected toilets, sinks, tiles, and floors, unpacked and sorted and organized our clothes, books, readings, etc, assembled furniture (actually, it was mostly Fama who did this, and yes, even the sofa needed to be assembled) and arranged them, and threw out trash again and again and again. My tiredness was such that I couldn't sleep. If I did sleep, it would be uncomfortable, restless like I didn't sleep at all. It was only after the first week in the new flat that I began sleeping properly again.

Complaining about it, I was told by Lis, one of my closest friends, that I should just think of the whole thing as a cleansing process--the cleansing of whatever negatives vibes had been left behind by the former tenants. That made me think, and I realized she was right. After the clean-up, the place felt much lighter, more airy, more open. And to some extent, it wasn't just the cleansing of whatever negative vibes the former tenants left, it was also a cleansing of my own negative vibes as I threw away stuff accumulated over the years, stuff I didn't need, stuff that was taking the space of other things I really needed. I suppose one good thing a move would force you to do is to make a decision about stuff you'd keep and stuff you'd lose. In that moment of decision, you realize that which is really important to you and that which you can let go. I'd like to think that, for that reason, it's not only the place that feels lighter, I also feel lighter (though I think the lightness probably has to do with all the moving about that I've been doing since the move--still a good thing, right?), and it's just what I need to carry out my plans for the second half of the year.

Overcoming Fear at Jurong Bird Park

2008-06-15T00:25:00.006+08:00

I have an insane fear of birds--the kind that gets me breaking into a cold sweat whenever I see or feel the presence of one. It doesn't matter what kind or size. As long as it has a beak and feathers, it's scary to me and I make sure I'm as far away from it as possible. This is basically how I've managed to deal with the little ones flying around the Deck--for non-NUS people, this is the Faculty of Arts and Social Science canteen, where little birds abound--looking for food. I just try to stay as far away from them as possible. If they start flying to where I am, then I make a really loud sound and/or swift motion, so they know I got there first.

I believe this fear was brought on by a dream I had when I was a kid. I was six or seven and taking my usual afternoon nap. I remember my feet were propped up on the window ledge just beside my bed. Then I dreamed the same thing: I was taking my afternoon nap, my feet propped up on the window ledge. Then, all of a sudden, a little bird came and started pecking at the soles of my feet. Then another bird came; this time, it was a little bigger, and started pecking too. Then a whole flock came, with even bigger birds, and they were all pecking and biting and making this terrible sound. I could feel flesh getting torn off and blood oozing out, and I was hurting so much. I started crying and shouting and screaming. Then I woke up. There were no birds, but I was crying. I never slept with my feet propped up that window ledge ever again. That window also remained close for a long time.

Until now, the memory of that dream gives me chills, makes my heart stop beating for some while. Deciding to go to the Bird Park therefore took years (well, at least, all three years that I've been here in SG), and lots of assurance that the birds wouldn't get near me because they were caged, and if, against all odds, they managed to escape from their cage and get near me, there would be professional handlers there to take care of it. When I finally decided to go last Friday, I felt like I did conquer part of my fear. I'm saying 'part' because I don't think I'll ever get rid of it entirely--the dream is too powerful--and because I don't think going to bird parks will ever be something I'd actually look forward to as a future activity. (I realized though that if there's an owl park or something that houses only owls, I'd probably go just so I could stare at the owls for hours.) Nevertheless, I'd like to congratulate myself on this one. Now, here's some photographic evidence of my so-called triumph. :)

Entrance to the Bird Park

And I was actually there. It wasn't just a picture taken from a bus or cab. I was there!

My favoritest bird: the great grey owl. It's so fluffy it actually looks like a pomeranian when it closes it eyes and all the feathers come together and bunch up. It happens to be very dangerous as well.

Since I couldn't take a picture with my owl-pom, I had to settle for this.

The meaning of pensive

Me and pink flamingos in the background.

Disclaimer: Okay, I have to confess I did go to the Bird Park once before--for something I wish to forget entirely. I did it, because someone whom I thought was a friend said she really needed my help. She turned out to be someone I just couldn't be friends with, and it turned out she just used me for that thing she asked me to do. That time however, I went only to this specific area of the Park after park hours and didn't even see any birds at all--as the person promised. At least, she kept her word on that. So, really, the first time I'd ever been to the Bird Park was last Friday.

Beginning of the Second Half of the Year

2008-06-05T17:52:00.008+08:00

I know, I know, I haven’t been writing. I’ve been wanting to, but there never seems to be time for it. Or when I have the time, I find myself doing something else. I’ve made some kind of promise to myself, however, that I’ll try to come up with something--even if it’s just a paragraph or two--at least once a week beginning this month.

Or this second half of the year, as I’d like to think of it. I suppose I like the idea of ‘the second half of the year’ because to me it signals a more pronounced sense of beginning and end. You know, end of the first half, beginning of the second half. I don’t know if that makes sense, but to me, it means I have this clean slate of a second half, a fresh start. It means I can leave the distractions and addictions (Oh Facebook what have you done to me?!) of the first half and start anew.

I don't think I'd necessarily get to wean myself off at least two Facebook apps, and I also don't think I'd want to, but this time around, I believe I've developed strategies that would allow me to limit my 'play' time. (Well, that's the idea, so good luck to me.) I'm hopeful this would allow me to set some solid objectives, which I'd actually get to realize by year's end.

What are these objectives exactly? The first one, as I mentioned earlier, is to keep this blogging thing alive at least one post a week. The second is to keep to my writing deadlines for the completion of my dissertation. Just for the fun of it, I'll give you an idea of the kind of deadlines I'm up against: a chapter or two for every month, beginning this one. (It should have begun months ago actually, but remember, this is the beginning of the second half of the year, and I'm starting fresh. So let's just say, it all begins now. And for more fun, I also have a paper for possible publication due at the end of the month. I've definitely lots to fill my clean slate. Happiness!) The third thing is to respond to emails as they come--no more waiting for the right time to respond; I'll respond right away. The fourth and last one, perhaps the most important, is to stick to a writing routine. In the end, I think it is this routine that will save me.

I've always been a bit of a 'photo-finish' kind of person, and all these years, it's worked for me. I'm beginning to realize though that, when confronted with long-term writing like dissertation writing, 'photo-finish' just won't cut it. I have to have a routine. I have to have the discipline to keep to this routine. And if I do decide to seriously venture into academic life (read: publishing) later on, which, I suppose, is the inevitable course for someone wanting to get a PhD anyway, having a writing routine will probably make things less difficult for me.

I definitely have goals other than the ones above. I mean, goals that are not work-related, for after all, it can't be all work, right? I still intend to go to the beach, at least twice, and if I can help it, thrice. I'll go to Boracay. I'll go to Panglao. I'll go to Panglao again. I'll go to Tagaytay and eat lots of greens and tapa and bulalo. I'll visit all the restaurants I've been missing and visit new ones. I'll drink like there's no tomorrow. I'll really try to squeeze in a trip to the mountains. And I'll do all these with the people I love the most. In short, I intend to go home, and I really hope to do this very soon.

Before going home though, I'll go to the Bird Park and conquer my fear. I'll go to Sentosa, the Zoo, the Botanic Gardens, the Science Center, the National Library. I'll visit museums, walk around favorite spots in the city, maybe go on the Flyer. I'll watch a local movie or two. I'll go out more. I'll try to see and take in as much of this place that is not home, will never be home, but sometimes feels like home.

Now I know why I didn't have any resolutions when this year started. I'm to make them now.

On (being) 'tangled up in blue'

2008-04-30T04:01:00.004+08:00

So I posted a clip of KT Tunstall's cover of Bob Dylan's Tangled Up in Blue, watched/listened to it a few times and continued to be amazed, and then went to bed. Now, I'm up again. I can't sleep. So many things in my head right now, first of which is why I love Tangled Up in Blue to begin with when it's hardly a song with which I can identify, and second, why I'm fascinated by Bob Dylan, when I actually don't know very much about him and his music. I suppose this will be my attempt in finding some answers.

I believe my first real encounter with Bob Dylan was through the movie Dangerous Minds when Michelle Pfeiffer's (teacher) character came up with the Dylan (Thomas)/(Bob) Dylan contest to get her students to read poetry. As there was no internet at that time, I didn't have the means to look up the song or the artist easily--so I didn't--although I was already struck by the various interpretations of Mr. Tambourine Man, the Bob Dylan song used in the movie. I suppose, at that time, I was also more concerned about what Michelle Pfeiffer was doing in terms of how I could use it in my own classes, since I was then very young and was just in my first year of teaching, and not so much about the actual material that she used. In addition, I didn't have a context for Bob Dylan at that time. I had no knowledge of his iconic status in American music and culture, so, to a great extent, the significance of choosing Dylan in the context of the movie was lost on me.

I encountered Dylan again when I went to Virginia Tech. One of the two courses I had to teach was 'Critical Thinking and Writing.' In thinking and writing critically, students were to look at pop culture as text and use it in examining (mostly 'American') ways of thinking, perceptions of the world, and larger social practices. So we looked at pop songs, movies, icons, television shows, places/spaces such as Disneyland, and events such as the Olympics, and used these to talk about wider social issues and concerns. Now, it's clear to me that at that time this was the 'in' thing to do in academia, but at that time, it just felt new and exciting and fun. One of these new, exciting, fun things was discovering Bob Dylan. I remember receiving about seven to eight essays on Bob Dylan and/or any one of his songs, when the class was asked to do a critical analysis of pop music. I remember reading academic essays--those really deep-sounding ones--on Bob Dylan and his impact on American music and culture--how he inspired generations of musicians, how he stood for decency and freedom and a simpler time, how he was a revolutionary and genius songwriter whose lyrics were actually poetry.

When I told my students I wasn't aware of all these things about Bob Dylan, they lent me their CDs with notes of which ones were their favorite songs, which ones I should listen to first to begin my musical education, etc, etc. I was overwhelmed. But I listened to song after song after song. I didn't like all the ones I listened to, but there were some that I really liked.

One of these, I was happy to note, was Mr. Tambourine Man.

The other one was Like A Rolling Stone.

And also, It Ain't Me, Babe, which I was told wasn't really his. Still, I love this one, because, to me, it's the ultimate anti-love song:

When my students found out which ones I liked, they smiled sort of sheepishly and told me I liked the ones that were very 'pop'. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing, but I suppose, I was excused from such a judgment, because, well, to them, I was a foreigner anyway and didn't really understand the whole deal. (Knowing which songs I ended up liking probably also dissuaded them to get me to listen to bluegrass, which, I'd have to say, I was thankful for, especially after actually having experienced it all night in one of those Friday night events in a local bar). Besides, I'd always known I was a 'pop' kind of person--no shame in that--so it didn't really matter what they thought. I also realized one thing: Dylan wrote some really great songs, and it was perhaps this that really got me into him--and also that his voice seemed to exude a certain vulnerability, a rawness, which drew me in.

These lines, for instance, from Like A Rolling Stone, are just precious:

Princess on the steeple and all the pretty people
They're drinkin', thinkin' that they got it made
Exchanging all kinds of precious gifts and things
But you'd better lift your diamond ring, you'd better pawn it babe
You used to be so amused
At Napoleon in rags and the language that he used
Go to him now, he calls you, you can't refuse
When you got nothing, you got nothing to lose
You're invisible now, you got no secrets to conceal.

Then this chorus:

How does it feel
How does it feel
To be on your own
With no direction home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?

And when these lines and his voice meet, I grow silent and become lost in the moment.

This leads me to Tangled Up in Blue. Note that I didn't really know if this song was on one of the CDs my students lent me, because the first version of the song I heard was a cover by the Indigo Girls, and I had no idea it was actually a Bob Dylan original. (I tried looking for a clip of the Indigo Girls covering this song, but I couldn't find one. Anyway, the cover was in their CD 1200 Curfews.) All I remember when I heard the song was how I couldn't get over how brilliant the phrase 'tangled up in blue' was to describe, well, the blues. The whole song was great, of course, especially the way the different narratives didn't seem to follow any coherent order, but it was the phrase that touched me. (I don't know what it is about me and certain phrases. I remember really liking Regine Velasquez's Dadalhin because of the phrase 'munting nagwawala' in 'At ng tinig mo'y/Parang musika/Nagpapaligaya sa/Munting nagwawala'. Until now, I'm not exactly sure what that phrase means, if it means anything at all, but I find it really charming, and that song will always be one of my favorites because of it. I do hope that a really stripped-down version of Dadalhin comes along soon though.) One could say 'I have the blues' or 'I am sad' but Dylan said '(I am) tangled up in blue'--and there's the difference. That phrase touched me to the point that I actually did an internet search of the song. (Google wasn't born yet at that time.) I found out it was actually Bob Dylan's. Here's one of his versions of the song--a version because, based on what I've read, this is the song he's kept revising through the years such that the contemporary version has actually become radically different from the original one.

Just to be clear, I'm not saying here that I'm an expert on Bob Dylan, not at all. I also don't think my appreciation for him can equal that of my previous students or other individuals who have followed his music through the years. I'm just trying to explain--probably, more to myself actually--my fascination for the artist and this particular song of his. As it is, I don't even know why I'm doing this now, when I haven't done so after all these years. In fact, I haven't thought of Bob Dylan and his music for some time, until tonight. And, actually, I can't even remember now why I went to youtube and started looking for him in the first place.

[must be what deadlines do to me: i start doing something else that's totally useless, like this post. hehe. oh well, good morning, world. another day, another set of possibilities.]

KT is tangled up in blue

2008-04-30T03:55:00.002+08:00

I think one of the best things ever is discovering that one of your most favorite songs has actually been covered by one of your favorite artists. I'm therefore overjoyed to have found this clip of KT Tunstall doing a cover of Bob Dylan's 'Tangled Up in Blue' and doing it amazingly. I'm no musician, and I can't sing-- even if my life depended on it--but I think it's quite hard to do a cover of this song. Aside from the difficult melody (or the lack of it, as some critics often say about Dylan's songs), the song is so seeped into the whole Dylan mythology that I don't think many contemporary artists would actually venture to cover it. Oh well, anyway, KT is awesome here, and it's awesome to hear 'Tangled Up in Blue' like this.

And Still I Rise

2008-04-06T02:59:00.003+08:00

So I was feeling a little sad today and a little tired of people and their expectations. Good thing I had this waiting in my inbox. A friend sent it out, because it's Maya Angelou's 80th birthday today. (Wow, happy birthday, Ms. Maya Angelou!)

I'm not an absolute fan of Maya Angelou, but this particular reading of hers--of this particular poem--does something to me. It makes me smile, makes me hope, makes me rise. I don't really know why. Something about the phrasing, perhaps, the choice of words. Or maybe, it's simply because of the way she reads it. So much joy there, so much sass!

Favorite lines:

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Ok, now, I feel a little bit better. :-)

Birthday Shenanigans and Other Surprises

2008-02-24T03:19:00.011+08:00

So, I'm back to this recapping-my-vacation thing. I sure hope--and I shall try--that this will be the last. After all, many new things happen every day, and I sort of want to talk about them as well. For instance, while it shames me to say it, I have become, without knowing how and why and when it happened, a Packrat addict. (I'm done with all the sets--YAY!--except for two: Safari Kingdom, because of the rare and elusive Leopard, and Arctic Adventure, because the set is on hiatus.) I just won in a (fluff)art contest. (Bwahahaha! Yes, that's how I measure and define 'achievement' now.) American Idol is back, and with it, new favorite contestants as well as ones who evoke only hate. (I'd been trying to resist Jason Castro's charms for the longest time, but after his Hallelujah last week, I was a goner.) And then there's school, and lots of new things are happening in that area as well. (Ok, I felt I had to include school somehow. Hehe.)

See, lots of things. However, I can't seem to move on to them without first addressing those things that happened before. Pretty much how I am in most things, I suppose. But I am digressing again. So, anyway, the last thing I talked about in the post before this was the UP Centennial Kick Off. A few days after that, my birthday came along, and that's where I start (not exactly, but you get my drift) in this post. I didn't make plans for my birthday this year, because I wanted it to be, well, quiet. Aside from that, with the amount of work I had to do, I didn't think I'd have time to celebrate anyway. I was also thinking maybe I should go somewhere outside of Manila to celebrate it. At the most, what I envisioned was a quiet night with good food, good conversation, and good company. Well, I did get all of those, but it wasn't really quiet. It turned out my brother planned a surprise birthday party, and, as I was told later, I gave him and the household such a hard time to pull the surprise. Hehe.

It was mainly because of my crazy schedule. On the night of the surprise, I was scheduled to conduct 3 interviews, one at 7pm, one at 9pm, and another at 11pm. The 11 pm was confirmed only that day, so my brother was not aware of it. Their plan was perfect actually: they would set up when I left for my 7pm, and by the time I got home after my 9pm, everybody would have been in the house to surprise me. Thing was my 7pm was cancelled, so I was still in the house around 6.30pm (by which time one guest was already there, the presence of whom didn't really trigger any alarm though, because, after all, the house always has people coming and going, like, on a daily basis), but, in a sense, it was a good thing it was cancelled, because if not, they wouldn't have known I had an 11pm, and I'd have gone out and missed the whole thing. As I was getting ready to leave for my 9pm, my brother entered the house (apparently, he had been out running errands for the party), gave me flowers and a box of cake, and said, "O happy birthday, may surprise ka!" He had to tell me at that point, because I was so ready to go out. He also added, in a rather annoyed manner, that in case I wanted to be there for it, I should cancel my 9pm and 11pm already. Hahaha.

But really, the surprise totally worked, because I didn't have any idea, I had no inkling, at all that they were planning something. The best part was when I found out they got me dayap cake from Chocolate Kiss, an absolute favorite, for my birthday cake. Kidding! Hehe. The best part was having some of the people I love best there and celebrating with me. Anyway, here are some pics of me and my birthday cake. Hee!

The weekend before my birthday, I celebrated with family. On my birthday itself, I had dinner with the household--Mel, Ivy, Jay, and Jerome--at Little Asia, also a favorite restaurant and where the Matimtiman household would usually go for birthday dinners. Must be because of the really good food and wide selection, plus being an Asian restaurant, it has different kinds of pancit, which is, well, a birthday requirement. Here's a pic:

After my birthday, it was kind of hazy. There were so many things that needed to be done before my flight back to Singapore. I suppose I managed to take care of all of those things, because, well, it's March now, and it doesn't seem like I'm missing anything. So I got back in Singapore, and little did I know a surprise was also waiting here for me. What surprise? Only that The Police was having a concert!!! I almost fell off my chair when I heard it on TV. The Police!!! OMG! I hurriedly went online and checked it out. I was thinking that only the expensive seats would be available, since the concert was already close and the promotion for it probably started way back in December, and was afraid I wouldn't be able to afford them. I was surprised to find out that, actually, all the expensive front-row seats had been taken, and the only ones left were rearview seats. (I realized then that I was in Singapore, where price was probably not an issue. Hehe.) The rearview seats weren't exactly cheap (I am, after all, only a student) and they were actually priced the same as the other front-view, albeit not front-row, seats. But I told myself, "WTF! This is once in a lifetime!"

So there I was (with Fama, who was also super excited to see The Police), in the Singapore Indoor Stadium, on 04 Feb to watch The Police Live in Concert. Hehe. I had given up the hope that I would ever see Sting in concert. When he did a show in the Philippines, I wasn't able to see it--for some important reason I honestly don't remember now. And when he did a show here in Singapore in 2005, I couldn't watch it, because, well, the show was on 10 January, and, if I remember correctly, I arrived 04 January--and well, I found out about the show after the fact. So this, this concert, was one of the best post-birthday gifts I have ever received. :) It was rearview seats, yes, but well, it would be great to have a glimpse of Sting's butt, and I knew there would be large projector screens. Haha. Here is Sting on one of those projectors:

And here's a pic of what was happening down there:

The concert was priceless. I was up on my feet the whole time, and when I heard the first few notes of 'Every Little Thing She Does is Magic,' it felt like all my little-girl-dreams were coming true. I'm not exactly sure what those dreams were, but that was how it felt like listening to that song. Must be because I'd heard this song played by one band or other in this and that gig when I was in college, and now, it was The Police actually singing it. I suppose there was a sense of, well, magic about that. At one point in the song, I thought I was going to cry. I think, maybe, I did. Just a little bit. Hehe. I knew, for sure, I went a little insane though. (I think Fama went a little insane, too. Hehe.) Sting must be one of the most beautiful people alive. Seriously!

There, I think I've got everything covered. I think, maybe, I can move on now--and maybe start letting go of the word 'shenanigans.' :)

More Shenanigans

2008-02-23T14:35:00.010+08:00

I suppose it's obvious I really like the word 'shenanigans.' You know, I just realized I didn't even know I really liked the word until I used it last time. But it's a really good word, right? One of those words that really capture what they're supposed to mean? This doesn't mean though that it actually captures what I mean in the contexts that I've used it, but hey, as I've been saying, I like the word.

So last time, it was all about Bangkok; this time, it's all about home.

UP LANTERN PARADE

I think last year's parade was all about Oble in various incarnations, probably in preparation for the Centennial Lantern Parade this year.

In a dress?

Futuristic?

Goofy?

I apologize for the blurry pictures. My camera is not high-tech, and shame on me, because, as it is, I don't know how to work its lowly features. Hehe. Anyway, that's a sampling of the many Obles represented in the parade. There was something really different in this parade though. In all my years in UP and watching the Lantern Parade, for the first time, I finally got to sit up there in Quezon Hall. Thanks to friends in high places. Haha. It was great watching the parade there, because you'd really get to see everything. I should make sure to score a spot there this year, because the Centennial Parade is already being tagged as the 'best lantern parade ever.' Kinda like how every season of the American Idol is said to be the 'best season ever.' I think I can believe it about this year's lantern parade though. :-)

HOME SWEET HOME

You remember this?

Look it!

Isn't he the sweetest dog you've ever laid eyes on? Not really. Hehe. As you shall see, he can be quite nasty:

Nanggigil!

Sa liempo!

Now, some humans:

Mama and me

Jay and Mama

All three of us

UP AT 100

So after lots of eating and sleeping and fighting with Squee for the last piece of liempo (hahaha!), I went back to Manila just in time for the Centennial Kick-Off. I suppose more could have been done in terms of marketing the event, getting it organized, and producing cool merchandise--or at least merch that you could wear and/or carry around not just for Centennial events. Heck, a better sound system would have made the whole experience better! Still, when people started singing UP Naming Mahal with raised fists, all of these were forgotten. It was such an emotional moment--and one that really made me proud that I was a Iskolar ng Bayan, that I belonged to this community, and that I could call UP my own.

Indeed, UP, ang galing mo! (Which by the way is also one of the Centennial theme songs)

I suppose that's about it for now. I'll be back with more--yeah, you guessed it right--shenanigans later. :-)

Yes, I'm Back--from Outer Space

2008-02-20T03:05:00.012+08:00

Well, not really outer space, but it did feel like it, given how long I'd been gone. I've sort of missed this place/space actually. Good thing is? I'm back. :-)

Anyhoo, I suppose, YOU are right: I am not a real blogger. That long hiatus is proof enough. Then again, I never made any claims that I was a real blogger anyway, or a blogger even, so there: YOU are not right. Hee!

So where have I been? I suppose, since this is my first blog in, like, months (2?3?) and my first blog for the year, I'll just give a recap of the various shenanigans (I'm sure there's a better word than this, but I like the word 'shenanigans,' I really do, and I really want to use it right now) I managed to get myself into the last few months.

Remember I went to Bangkok for a conference? Well, besides the conference, I also got to do quite a number of things there:

Touch a tiger--well, more of stand there actually with Mel (hehe) while Fama touched it

Ride an elephant--what fun it would have been if the elephant were pink (i know, super obscure reference)

Play with the fish

Swim with the sharks

And get cozy with the jelly fish

There were also amazing sights to behold:

The smaller version of the Reclining Buddha in Ayutthaya--and me

An old wat in Ayutthaya

The Headless Buddhas, also in Ayutthaya

Me with the Headless Buddhas

Wat Arun

Still at Wat Arun

The Golden Mount

Where I went up, up, up

Only to get 'burned' by a bell

Oh, I also got to light an incense in a wat close to the Golden Mount--the name of which I have forgotten

The Reclining Buddha--still can't get over how huge it is!

See how small I am compared to it?

And then there was a whole lot of shopping:

And lots of coffee in the middle of Cha Tu Chak:

And the money shot--and I did it only because of my interest in globalization studies, specifically the McDonaldization of culture, and not because I'm just really, well, juvenile--doing a sawatdee with good ole Ronald

Lest you don't believe now that there was actually a conference, after seeing all these pics, here's some proof:

One of the talks I attended, with other delegates from UP

My talk--hee!

And remember last time I was talking about getting myself a pic with this super big person in cda, Teun van Dijk, who would be at the conference as well? Well, here it is:

He's the guy in the rather-boring-but-very-relaxed-and-laidback-looking brown ensemble. Kinda cute, no?! Hee! I wasn't able to manage a pic with just the two of us. I couldn't get the nerve to ask him. This one actually happened only because of the other people in the pic (shoutout to the beautiful ladies of DECL!). I was so close to him while he was doing his plenary talk, like 2 to 3 feet away, that I could actually touch him if I just extended my arms. (I know, I know, my arms are not that long, but you get what I mean. Hehe.) I was a bit late getting to the conference on the first day (not my fault, ok? the shuttle's!), and as a consequence, I had to sit in front of the hall. His talk? Not great, but it was great to see him deliver it. Or maybe I'm saying this, because I wasn't really paying attention to what he was saying, as I was so busy smiling and trying to contain myself. :-)

It's not really a crush or anything like that. No, I don't think so. It's just, you know, meeting someone you never thought you'd meet, that you thought you'd only get to read, and whose works you really liked at some point in your life. That's exciting, right? Does that make sense? I also got to meet Prof Edwin Thumboo (also in the pic, far right) in the conference. I read some of his poems in some Comparative Lit classes when I was an undergrad, and I've heard lots of stories about him being this high profile professor of NUS and buddy of PMM. All I can say is, the man deserves all the glowing things I've heard about him.

Anyway, this is already longer than I thought it would be--and this is only Bangkok. Still so much to cover. I suppose I'll just continue this recap of sorts some other time. Oh, and it's nice to be back in here. :-)

Back in Singapore

2007-12-16T02:43:00.000+08:00

Just checking in to say that I'm back, and that I'm missing Bangkok already. I so enjoyed Bangkok, so loved the days I spent there. It's such a familiar place--very much like the Philippines--but much more laidback, much quieter, more diverse. And there are definitely less obnoxious people there. In fact, in the 6 days I was there, I encountered only 1 person who really got me annoyed and irritated. Hee. But there's really no time for all these stories right now, as I'm super tired and I really need to get some sleep.

Anyway, I'm leaving again soon--and this time, for home. Yay! Double yay! :D

One Week in Bangkok

2007-12-09T23:57:00.000+08:00

In a few hours, I'll be flying to Bangkok. Wee! :) For fear of missing my flight, I decided to just keep awake and wait until it's time to go. I also thought I could write (yes, I'm still writing those effin papers!) while waiting, but that was, like, two hours ago. After an hour or so of re-writing a paragraph I must have re-written ten times already and not being able to finish a sentence I'd been trying to finish since last night, I gave up. I wasn't really accomplishing anything. Might as well do something else that I could actually finish.

So here I am. Hee!

My trip to Bangkok is not really for pleasure. Well, there will be pleasure, yes, and I hope lots of it (hehe), but what I'll really be there for is this conference on English in Southeast Asia. I'm proud to report that I'm done with my script (because it can hardly be called a paper--heh!) and my powerpoint presentation. My topic is on gender and call center discourse, which is basically what my research project is about. I'm not sure how it will be received, as I've been told that the conference is more concerned with pedagogical issues relating to the teaching of English in the region. But, whatever. I suppose I'll just do my thing. Then, I'll have fun, go shopping, and enjoy the night life. Haha.

Honestly though, I'm sort of looking forward to the conference and seeing some of the plenary speakers, especially Teun van Dijk. van Dijk is a big name in critical discourse analysis (cda), and one of those whom I read over and over while I was just getting introduced to the field. I have to admit though that I have lost track of his recent works, having moved out of cda to explore other (so-called) 'critical' frameworks, but still, it would be awesome to hear him talk, maybe even meet him--and if I muster enough courage, maybe ask him to have a picture taken with me. Haha.

But I suppose wanting to have a picture with a person who has had some influence on your work one way or other is not really a crazy idea. For instance, when I told a former teacher/mentor that van Dijk would be in the conference, he told me the exact same thing: Pa-picture ka with him. Hee! And I remember I had a classmate in Textual Construction of Knowledge (a primarily cda-oriented module in NUS), who when he reported on Fairclough's CDA (Fairclough's is CDA; the rest is cda--hay!) showed pictures of himself having lunch. With Fairclough! There were two other people in the pictures, yes, but still, I was like, 'OMG, he's with Fairclough. OMG!' Apparently, Fairclough was in his university for a conference at that time.

All I can say is, if van Dijk is major, Fairclough is major-er, probably the major-est in cda--thus, his CDA gets the all caps. Now that I think about it, there are other scholars I'd really just love to meet and, yeah, that picture thing again. Hehe. Oh well, I suppose, we'll see what happens in this conference first.

It's almost time to get ready now. And I'm beginning to get really excited! :)

So NOT My Day

2007-12-06T01:54:00.000+08:00

Today, well, yesterday actually, was one of the worst days I've ever had in this country. It rained all day, and it rained really, really hard. I suppose if I had stayed in, it would have been ok (I probably would have enjoyed it actually given it could be the perfect excuse to stay in bed and sleep all day), but I had to be out to meet my supervisor for lunch and do some express photocopying of stuff I just realized I would need for the papers that I couldn't seem to write. Sigh. Then, I also had to pick up something after my errands at NUS.

Anyway, I thought at first the rain would let up after a few hours, because that's how it rains here. 'Pabugso-bugso' is, I think, the perfect word to describe it. But it just went on and on, even gaining strength as the day wore on. I wouldn't have minded if I were to stay only in NUS, but as I said, I had to go somewhere else after NUS. It was just so uncomfortable, quite a balancing act actually, getting on the bus, then on the MRT with loads of photocopies, a bottle of water, an umbrella, and my big black bag with my big, fat notebooks. (I wish I could go digital on everything and not use notebooks, but I love notebooks, big, fat ones, and I love writing on them.)

So I finally reached my destination at exactly that time when everyone else was rushing to get into the train station. I swear I was swept by the current once or twice. At one point, I really had to fight my way against the crowd. Around this time too, I was already beginning to get a little dizzy. My hyperacidity was also beginning to act up. I told myself I shouldn't have had that third cup of coffee and that I should have eaten before I left the campus. But, well, too late for that.

Good thing the person I was meeting up with was there already, so getting the package was pretty easy and didn't give me any trouble. I suppose this would be the highlight of the day, too. Remember the perfect gift I was talking about last time? That was the thing I had to pick up. :) And remember I said I'd get one for myself? Well, I did. :) I got the small red one. Hee! Until now, I can't believe how small it is. And there's actually a part of me that can't believe I paid some good money for it. Oh well, we'll see if it's worth it in a month or two.

Getting back to the flat was definitely easier than all the trips I had to take earlier, but it was still very tiring. Plus, this time, I had two additional packages: the thing--and dinner. I had thought of eating at the restaurant, but I also wanted to just go home and be comfortable, so I decided on takeaway. I thought my arms were going to fall off as I walked to the flat from the MRT station. It was still raining at this point, though not as hard as earlier, and I had to walk real slow, because the roads were slippery. But still, I was inching closer and closer to home, and I could already see my building, so it wasn't so bad.

Finally, finally, I was at the flat. I changed into comfy 'pambahay' clothes and got the food out. I was so looking forward to enjoying my fried mozzarella, creamy mushroom pasta, and ribs. But I suppose it just wasn't my day. While the mozzarella and ribs were okay (note: 'okay,' not 'really good' or 'good'), the pasta was the sweetest creamy mushroom pasta I'd ever tasted. It was like eating some kind of weird dessert. To top it all off, a monster of a headache began to make its presence felt just when I gave up on the pasta.

Hay. I should sleep now.

Still

2007-12-02T01:48:00.001+08:00

still unable to write. and it's not like i haven't tried. it's just that i feel as if all the stuff i have to do are closing in on me, and there's no way i'll be able to finish everything on time. all i really want to do now is sleep, but no: "the woods are lovely, dark, and deep/but i have promises to keep/and miles to go before i sleep/and miles to go before i sleep."
*****
in other news, i have found the perfect gift. i don't know if it will work, but i sure hope so. operative word: lomo. i'm actually very excited about it. i'm thinking of getting one for myself, too, but i'll get the 'baby' version, the 'pa-cute' version. in RED. hee!
*****
i played tour guide yesterday to my father's sister's family. they were here only for a day--they just hopped over from KL is why--so we had to move on a very tight schedule. it was very tiring walking around, but it had been quite fun, too. my achievement for the day was, i didn't get them lost. well, uhm, maybe once. hehe.
*****
i guess i have to go and try writing again. i know i just have to keep at it no matter how slow i go. as a friend said, "just don't let go. never let go." i suppose writing is, in a lot of ways, like being in a relationship. right now, it's a relationship i'm not really happy about having. sigh.

Oh, by Dave Matthews

2007-11-30T02:09:00.000+08:00

The world is blowing up
The world is caving in
The world has lost her way again
But you are here with me
But you are here with me
Makes it ok

I hear you still talk to me
As if you're sitting in that dusty chair
Makes the hours easier to bear
I know despite the years alone
I'll always listen to you sing your sweet song
And if it's all the same to you

I love you oh so well
Like a kid loves candy and fresh snow
I love you oh so well
Enough to fill up heaven, overflow, and fill hell
Love you oh so well

And it's cold and darkness falls
It's as if you're in the next room so alive
I could swear I hear you singing to me

I love you oh so well
Like a kid loves candy and fresh snow
I love you oh so well
Enough to fill up heaven, overflow, and fill hell

The world is blowing up
The world is caving in
The world has lost her way again
But you are here with me
But you are here with me
Makes it ok

Oh girl you're singing to me still
I love you oh so well
Like a kid loves candy and fresh snow
I love you oh so well
Enough to fill up heaven overflow and fill hell
Love you oh so well
_____

I love this song. I really love this song.

"The world is blowing up, the world is caving in, the world has lost her way again, but you are here with me, but you are here with me, makes it ok."

I can listen to this song over and over and not get tired of it.

"I love you oh so well, like a kid loves candy and fresh snow."

Apparently, Dave Matthews wrote this song for his grandmother. He must have really loved her.

"I love you oh so well, enough to fill up heaven, overflow, and fill hell."

Imagine someone loving you this way.

My Daemon

2007-11-29T02:29:00.000+08:00

Yup, that's my Daemon. Actually, it's my second daemon. The first one that I got, Klitus, a Gibbon, was a result of me cheating--that is, I didn't answer the questions truthfully--so I retook the exam, and now, I have Aradion, a Fox. I'm still not sure if Aradion is really my perfect match, but I don't think it reflects well on me to take the exam a third time. Hehe.

I've been excited about this movie for some time now, though I haven't read the book. I wish I could read the book before seeing the movie, but that is simply not possible. I have papers to write and paperwork to take care of and lots of packing to do. Hay. I guess I'll just have to see the movie first then read the book later. I'll make sure to read the next two books right after the first though, so I'm better prepared when their movie versions come along.

My excitement for the movie is at its peak tonight, because I just saw the full trailer. I went out to see 'Enchanted,' which was okay--hilarious in parts and nicely reminiscent of the Disney movies of my childhood, but not as entertaining as I thought it would be--so it was really the preview of 'The Golden Compass' that made the whole movie experience for me. Plus: I had one of those yummy Lindt Lindor Balls just before the movie. Hee!

Anyhoo, I've been very distracted these past few days. There are just so many things that need to be taken care of. As already mentioned above: Papers. Paperwork. Packing. And in addition: Gifts. Visiting Relatives. My Slayer, Werewolf, Vampire, and Zombie Armies. Grrrowlerrr and other Fluffs that are now in danger of being eaten by one CONFUSED and very HUNGRY Fluff (hahaha). And 1001 more Apps. Indeed, there is no rest for the wicked. :D

On top of all these, I'm always getting sleepy these days. Must be hibernation season again. Hehe. Thing is when I get sleepy, I have to give in and sleep, because if not, I won't be able to function properly and work anyway. I'd like to to think of these moments when I give in as powernapping--you know taking those little naps that stretch up to 3 to 4 hours. Hehe. Sometimes, I wonder how I can ever go back to work after this stint. It'll be quite an adjustment to have a schedule again and to not be able to powernap whenever I feel like it. Oh well. I'll cross the bridge, la, la, la.

Ok, got to go. I'm so sleepy right now I can hardly think straight.

On Being An Adult (Then Again, Maybe Not)

2007-11-26T10:29:00.000+08:00

There. I just emailed my supervisor to let her now I'm not taking it. 'It' means an opportunity to be in Canada early next year (beginning in either January or March) for 4 to 6 months to connect with scholars in the University of Toronto and do my work from there. It means a sizable stipend, on top of what I'm getting now. It means a chance to get to know another culture, meet other kinds of people, and experience, at least 2 of the seasons again.

Why am I not taking it? I'd like to think it's because I'm being an adult about the whole thing. Taking this opportunity will take a lot from me. There's paperwork, making arrangements for my stuff here, setting up a new place there--all of which should be accomplished within a short period of time. Then, there are the other specific concerns: which books do I pack, which clothes, what kind of clothes, would I have friends there, would it be easy to go around town, how does the library work, etc, etc. I suppose it's just too much for a rather short stay, and it may not be worth it.

I also don't want to get distracted at this point in my life. As it is, I'm already distracted--by the Bangkok conference, Christmas, buying gifts, thoughts of going home, the little everyday things--and this is going to be a major distraction. My fear is that, I won't be able to do any work at all, because there would always be something needing my attention. Moreover, I'm already between countries. I suppose I don't want to add a third one and make things even more complicated.

But these are just, well, inconveniences, right? There has to be an academic reason. Well, I also did a bit of research on the University of Toronto, and while it has good academic programs, the scholars I want and need to meet and talk to are not there. But even if they were there, I'm also at that stage in my work where I need to figure things out on my own and for myself first, so connecting with other scholars is not really a priority right now. I suppose I just don't want to go out there with half-baked ideas and poorly constructed arguments.

So a new country and a sizable stipend and seasons notwithstanding, I have decided to pass this one up. There will be other opportunities later on. Preferably, in the UK and in the fall. :)

Weekend Updates

2007-11-25T18:51:00.000+08:00

ONE: Saturday's invigilation for a level 4000 Theater class--which I'm pleased to announce took place without any disruptions. Final exams in NUS usually go smooth and undisturbed, despite all the horror stories and warnings during the invigilators' briefing, but sometimes, things do happen. For instance, during Thea's invigilation last semester, one student got sick and had to to be pulled out of the room, so she could lie down. Thankfully, the student got well enough to resume the exam and did not have to be brought to the hospital, so that Thea only had to stay a bit longer to wait for the student to finish and didn't have to accompany her to the hospital. While I wasn't really worried that something like that was going to happen, I couldn't rule it out, so I was just happy the exam went as it should be: smooth and undisturbed.

There was one noteworthy thing about this final exam though. When I checked the venue of the exam, I saw that it was in one of the LTs (Lecture Theatre). Seeing that it was a big venue--an LT could seat about 165 people--I thought there would be a lot of students--at least half of the total number of seats if the space between students was factored in. When I saw the module though, it was a level 4000 class, which would generally mean a small class, so I thought that there'd probably be another 4000 level module in the venue, and one other invigilator.

When I got to the exam venue, I found out it was indeed a small class, 10 students, and it was the only module in that room. The reason the module was assigned to an LT was that they needed a video wall, because part of the exam was a clip that would be shown for the students to analyze. Can you believe it--10 students in an LT with 165 seats because the class needed a video wall?! I suppose this is another indication of how important final exams are in NUS.

Oh, and another thing: there are special desks for the chairs in the LTs during final exams. The everyday desks are small--the movable type ones that you can use as a desk or move/fold over to the side if you don't want one--which I suppose are ok for taking down notes. For final exams, however, they have these brown desks the size of children's writing desks which can be attached to the existing structure. My thought when I saw the desks and the whole process of bringing them out and fixing them was explained to me: "Ok, this is serious!"

TWO: The Annual Christmas Tree at Takashimaya, which is awesome, because it's a giant tree. Look!

Top of the tree

Base of the tree

The tree

THREE: Kinokuniya, which over the weekend, was having a 20% discount for its Privilege Card members. I'm not a member but Fama is, so YAY! :) Finally got Books 4, 5, and 6 of 'Strangers in Paradise.' I also learned there's a new Winterson novel, 'The Stone Gods,' which, according to reviews is "Winterson at her finest." I shall see. I also got another book, and reading parts of it last night, I thought I might have discovered a new favorite writer. But I shall see about that, too, as I'm not done with the book yet. So far though, brilliant prose. :) And also, Stargirl is back with 'Love, Stargirl,' but this one will probably have to wait until January--that is, if I myself am able to wait until then. Hehe.

FOUR: This:

I didn't realize I had missed Tracy Chapman until I heard this song playing somewhere yesterday. 'The Promise' is one of my favorite songs. It's simple and sweet, and, I don't know, it just seems so right that it's Tracy Chapman singing it. I've been playing this song since this morning. Hee!

That's about it for the weekend, I suppose. I'm kind of dreading this coming week, as it only means I'm getting ever closer to all the deadlines I've been trying not think about. Well, at least, I have a few hours more of Sunday, and I can (and will) spend them any way I want. :)

Happy Thanksgiving

2007-11-22T22:22:00.000+08:00

I know we don't really celebrate Thanksgiving in our part of the world, but I thought it'd be nice to go out and have a nice dinner anyway. After all, there are many things to be thankful for, and, well, I'd grab any excuse for a nice dinner out. Hehe. :) So, anyway, I asked Fama very nicely if she would go accompany me to dinner, and she also very nicely said yes. Hee! :)

We went to Ikea, because they have the gravy and cranberry thingy there, which was the closest to Thanksgiving food that we could think of--you know, the gravy and cranberry sauce that go with the turkey. Hahaha. But seriously, the gravy and cranberry combination plus, of course, the Swedish meatballs, made it feel like Thanksgiving dinner. :) I just wish they had some pumpkin pie. I kind of miss that one, especially since it's all over Facebook. :(

The best thing I got from Ikea though was this:

You may ask what that is. That is Squee's Christmas gift. It's a dog bed. Hee! :) I'm so excited to give it to him when I go home this Dec. Now he has a bed where he can eat his pastillas de leche. Hehe.

Blacksburg On My Mind

2007-11-22T00:56:00.000+08:00

Around this time of year, my thoughts usually wander off to Blacksburg, Virginia, that small town where Virginia Tech (VT) is located. (For locals, the distinction between town and school need not be made, because Blacksburg and VT are so much a part of each other that they can be considered one and the same.) Many months back, people probably wouldn't know where or what VT was, more so Blacksburg. Of course now, because of the tragic April shooting that happened there, most people know about the school and the town in which it is located. Sad to say, most people know Blacksburg and VT only for this reason.

I can't honestly say I know the place and its community very well. After all, I stayed there for only two years, and there were months within those years when I was actually somewhere else. I also can't say I was able to explore the town's every nook and cranny, every little pathway, every secret. I was, at that time, too young and too self-absorbed, preferring to look inward and deal with imagined anguish, to really see the new world opening up before me. And while I did hang out lot, I can't claim of having established deep and lasting relationships with any of the people whom I met when I was there. This was probably due to my inability at that time to open up to people, my fear of disappointing them or being disappointed by them.

Despite all these, my time in Blacksburg is probably one of the most magical periods of my life. I had lived away from home for the most part of my life, so the idea of being alone and independent was not new to me. But my time in Blacksburg was the first time that I was THAT far away from home--from my best and closest friends, from everything that was clear and familiar, from everything I held dear. It was the first time I was ever completely alone, completely independent. It was totally scary, and there was a huge part of me then that didn't want to do it. But common sense won out, so I packed my bags, and I was there. And in spite of all my years in Manila, I was once again this 'promdi' who was unsure and uncertain, utterly naive.

Thinking back now, perhaps, that's what made it all so delightful. It was as if everything I'd seen on TV and in the movies was coming true, and I, I was the star. I remember sitting on this big rattan chair at the balcony of our apartment one chilly morning just a few days after I arrived. Still in my pajamas and holding a mug of steaming coffee in one hand and a cigarette in another, I gazed at the already big, old trees at the back of our apartment, dreamt of barbecue parties and football and kegs of beer, and sighed. At that moment, I believed, with all my heart, everything was exactly as it should be.

I remember getting ready for my first football game. I remember being in the stands and grinning stupidly as I posed for pictures. I remember dancing to the 'Hokie Pokie' in a sea of orange and maroon, under the blazing sun. I did not understand a single thing that was going on in the field, but I was perfectly content. "I am a Hokie," I told myself, "and this is what school spirit means." There was so much excitement in that first game it could not be replicated. Thus, it was also the last and only football game I was to see, whether live or on TV, but I sure was around for the pre- and post-game merrymaking.

I remember jumping, giddily, happily, without a care in the world, into a stack of leaves piled high near Williams Hall, at that time the English Department building. I didn't know autumn leaves could stack up so high and feel so soft. I remember walking round and round VT at dusk those days of autumn, my first one, eternally fascinated by the burning colors of so many big and old trees, forever marveling at the sound my feet made on the scattered leaves, and wondering, just for a moment, how I could have lived without such beauty in my life. I knew then what it meant to fall in love--in the most basic of ways, without complications.

I remember bringing to school a peanut butter sandwich and an apple, carefully tucked in a little brown bag. At lunchtime, I would sit underneath a tree, unpack my lunch, bring out my book for the day, and start eating as I read. Other times I would find myself carrying a bagel, with either cream cheese or peanut butter, a banana, and a thermos of coffee. Soon enough, I would realize how pretentious it all was and how it wasn't really filling--this brown bag and sandwich and fruit thing--so I laughed a little bit at myself, then went back to rice and whatever Filipino dish I could concoct out of the available supplies in the 24-hour supermarket close to my apartment.

I remember walking in the snow in a pea coat and with a beret carelessly placed on my head. I remember gazing up at the swirling flakes and hugging my books tightly to my chest. And then, in my head, I was singing 'On My Own,' I was Eponine, and I was lost and alone and in love with someone I couldn't have. I laughed so hard after that. It was so silly. And one very cold Friday night, walking back to the apartment and trying to be cute and funny, I lost my balance, slipped, and fell. I still remember that painful thud--heard it as I felt it--the sound of butt hitting hard ice. It was painful, but I soon found myself laughing, perhaps to cover my embarrassment or maybe in realization of how silly I was behaving; and then, I just continued to lie there, amazed at seeing, from that angle, all that whiteness shimmering in the dark.

I remember that moment when I knew, finally, what 'spring' really meant: it was rows upon rows of yellow and pink tulips in full bloom where yesterday there was only a dry, brown plot of land. It was people smiling again and asking you how you were doing that fine, fine day. It was students shedding off their sweaters, their tops, and sunbathing all over campus, whether on cement or grass or sand, it did not matter. I remember wondering why they would want to stay outside and soak in the sun, when I, on the rare occasions I would venture out, would walk fast to any form of structure that could shield me from the sun and the heat.

I suppose the magic of Blacksburg for me is tied, first and foremost, to the seasons and all the beauty and silliness that each season brings, as it was the first time I was ever in a country with four seasons, and second, to certain activities that I had never experienced before. The fact, too, that Blacksburg is a small town, with all the quaint charm associated with small towns, added to the magic of the whole experience. Imagine a town where the main road is called Main St, and on a Friday night, while out to party, you only have to walk from North Main St to South Main St and already, you will be able to do a round of all the bars. Imagine a town where people say 'good morning' and 'how do you do' to and wave and smile at strangers they encounter in their morning walk. But also part of the magic comes from being introduced to a different educational system, one that is definitely more rigid and structured, but also more laid-back and open and accepting, one that teaches exacting discipline, but also offers endless possibilities, one that is classical in orientation, and yet very modern and technologically advanced.

I remember being in a two-week orientation for Teaching Assistants (TAs), before everything started, where we, as TAs, were introduced to the English Department, the classes that we were going to teach (English 1105 and English 1106, the freshman composition sequence), the grading system, the syllabi that we had to follow and the ones that we had to make on our own. I remember being very impressed with and quite terrified about how it was all very structured and guided. The reading assignments and writing deadlines should be given to students way in advance--on the first day of class, in fact, when you handed out the syllabus, because your syllabus should already include all these assignments and due dates. Besides these, your syllabus should also reflect your own philosophy of writing, which would then guide your grading criteria, which should also be in the syllabus.

I remember being totally anxious about the whole syllabus thing, so imagine my fright when they told us we were to choose a reading from the assigned textbook and demo-teach a particular lesson using that reading. At this time, I'd been teaching for almost 3 years, so the idea of a demo teaching shouldn't be so scary. But it was nevertheless. I remember thinking how ironic it was to teach English to native English speakers when I, myself, was a not a native speaker. I know there were about a hundred things wrong in that thought theoretically, but at that time, it was the only thing I could think of. I have a vague memory of the demo teaching itself, but I remember getting unexpectedly glowing comments from fellow TAs and the faculty advisors assigned to our group. I thought then that, perhaps, I could actually do this TA-ing thing, and maybe, even do it well.

Then classes came. I remember entering the classroom and being blinded. They were all white, my students. I suppose I never thought of that--of how a class composed only of white kids would look and make me feel--given all my other concerns. There were one African-American and three Asian TAs (me included) in my batch, so I wasn't exactly expecting an all-white class. And my thought, at that moment, "God, they all look the same. I'll never be able to tell them apart." Again, there were about a hundred wrong things in that thought, but there it was, my one thought. Oh, there was also the urge to run outside and never come back. I might have done that, too, if not for the kindly senior professor in the room across the hall, who upon seeing me and perhaps noticing how frantic I looked, waved and smiled, as if to say, "Carry on!" And carry on I did. To this day, I thank him for that moment, for giving me what I didn't think I needed at that time: a wave and a smile from a stranger.

In the days to come, I would begin to make distinctions: there was Ethan who was blonde, and there was Ethan with the red hair and freckles. There was Matthew who looked a little bit like Josh, except that Josh would smile and talk more in class. There was Jenny, a brunette, who always wore sweats to class, and the other Jenny, who was also brunette, but never wore sweats. And still another Jenny, who had short blond hair and a giggly personality, and who introduced me to Dave Matthews. In the next semesters, I would have one or two African-American and Asian students, making the classroom a little bit more dynamic. I remember thinking that these kids were so different from my UP students in their dreams and hopes and struggles, and yet they were the same in their attempts at finding 'a writing voice,' in finding a place for themselves on campus, and as I laughed to myself, sometimes even in their split infinitives. I still remember that one moment when a student, commenting on a remark I made in class, said, "Sweet, Ms. Salonga. Really sweet." I was confused at first, then I figured out what he meant. It was sweet indeed.

But there was another classroom, too: one where I wasn't the teacher but the student. I remember the daunting task of reading Milton for an ultra-conservative professor, while at the same time reading 'Representations of the Body' for a feminist professor. I remember trying to stay awake in a Twain/Crane class at the same time that I tried to refrain from being over-enthusiastic in my Austen/Byron class. Because of the Anglo-American literary tradition underlying the MA English curriculum in VT at that time, (which is not the case now), we had to take courses from both the English and American literary tradition, one from pre-1800 and one from 1800 onwards. There were theory courses as well and genre studies courses. Then there were the composition and research methods courses, which we had to do as TAs.

And these were the courses I loved best. I remember being (and allowing myself to be) seduced by postmodernism in my theory class. I remember falling in love with the essay form and nourishing dreams of being an essayist one day in my genre studies class. I remember going backwards and forwards through Winterson's canon in my research methods class and loving every moment of it. I remember the very first time I opened my mouth in class to speak, not to introduce myself or ask something about the syllabus, but to contribute to the discussion, the fear of being dismissed, not listened to, or worse, not being understood at all, and the relief of having been told I had a valid point--in fact, a point worth reconsidering in light of recent developments in contemporary theory--and the joy of having generated a discussion afterwards.

Outside of Williams Hall and over to the other side of the campus, I remember how my eyes went wide with shock when I found out that the library was open until midnight and that I could eat there while I read or worked, that I could borrow 100 books at a time and keep them for three months unless they were urgently needed by someone else, which never happened anyway, and that the books were actually on the shelves. I remember my disbelief when I was told I could have a book the VT library did not have borrowed from whichever part of the world (or the US, at least in my case) by simply filling up an online request form, and the sheer wonder of that moment when the books started pouring in--one from Hawaii, the other from California, still another from Washington DC.

It was another shock to see all the available computers at the library, in every department building. Then I found out about the Math Emporium, which housed about 500 computers available for use by any VT student, was open 24/7, and was about a 10-minute walk from my apartment. I remember entering that place for the first time. Seeing all the monitors spread out nicely in the huge floor area, my mouth almost watered, and I thought: "If UP only had 1/4 of this." There was one unwelcome surprise though: learning that I had to photocopy everything myself. Used to the convenience of dropping photocopying jobs at the Shopping Center in UP and picking them up the next day, I was not prepared for the hours I had to spend photocopying. Looking back now, though, I suppose it has prepared me for all the photocopying that I'm doing now.

All of these, and yet, there's still so much I remember: running, always running to catch my bus, charmingly called 'Tom's Creek' ('Tom's Creek B' to school, 'Tom's Creek A' back to the apartment); a bar called 'Top of the Stairs,' because it was literally on top of the stairs, where I first heard bluegrass; talking to a war veteran about American foreign policy in the The Underground, where I met a bartender named Todd; the University Bookstore where I spent hours and hours browsing books and where I got all the journals I kept during that time; the Lyric Theater on South Main St where I saw a movie that defined who I was, slept through a Shakespearean drama by a theater company who would 'do it with the lights on' through no fault of their own, and got 'devirginized' in a Rocky Horror Picture Show production; running to Kroger, the 24-hour supermarket close to our apartment, at midnight, to get cigarettes, or just before 2am, so I could get white zinfandel as well; Honeysuckle Road, and that one summer I spent there almost every day--running, briskwalking, running--trying to achieve a goal just to spite someone; and that one miserable afternoon where I just decided to sit under a tree somewhere downtown, because I was tired from all the walking and was feeling wretched, and on top of all that, I didn't know where I was or where to go.

Of course, there are dark pictures, twisted ones even. But they don't really have a place in this memory, and if truth be told, I hardly remember them anymore. And really, all the unpleasantness doesn't have anything to do with Blacksburg or VT at all. The place itself remains untouched, and holds for me a certain wonder, to which I come back again and again. Today, it's Thanksgiving over there, and right now, I'm remembering my very first Thanksgiving dinner.

On Invigilating

2007-11-21T15:07:00.000+08:00

I'm so glad things are back to normal today--that is, I didn't have to wake up at 7am to get to a 9am Invigilators' Briefing. What is an Invigilators' Briefing, you may ask. To start off, the word 'Invigilator' needs to be defined. Towards the end of my first sem here in NUS, I got an email from the Department's AO (admin officer) asking me when I could invigilate. My first reaction was panic (my usual reaction actually in most cases, hehe), because I didn't know what the word meant, and being in a super-strict context (and being paranoid, hehe), I thought I did something wrong such that I needed to invigilate. Also, the word didn't sound like a happy word; it sounded like a bad, ominous word.

I suppose I should have consulted the dictionary then, but no. I emailed someone who was also a graduate of the program and was also an RS (research scholar--because only those with scholarships are asked to invigilate; not that it's a privilege, it's actually an obligation), and asked him what it meant. Probably detecting my anxiety, he emailed back right away and assured me that everything was ok, that 'to invigilate' only meant 'to proctor.' Turned out I didn't do anything wrong, but that I was right about the word being 'bad' or 'ominous.' Proctoring, or in this case, invigilating, is probably one of the most tedious activities in the world. (If you've ever done proctoring for the UPCAT, you'll know what I mean.)

My thought at this point though: Oh, ok, but why make it difficult? Just call it 'proctoring,' instead of 'invigilating.' Then I thought: 'Different country, different terms.' There are other terms here that are a bit different from the ones I'm used to. For instance, review (e.g., to 'review' for an exam) is called revision (e.g., most teachers would devote the last day of class to 'revision'); modules for subjects; 'a paper' instead of 'a final exam' (e.g., a classmate once asked me a few minutes before a final exam, "Is this your last paper?" to which I said "Yeah," which is my standard answer for questions I don't understand, hehe); and Uni for campus--all these, of course, are nothing compared to the 'invigilate' vs 'proctor' example.

So, an invigilator is a proctor. :) Having clarified that, an Invigilators' Briefing is an orientation of sorts for those RSs who have been assigned invigilation duties. For the most part, I really don't mind attending the briefing, even if I have done so several times, even if the same things are said and the same jokes are made every time, because I look forward to the chocolate eclairs that are usually served after the briefing. Those chocolate eclairs are good, and they come in minis, so they also look rather cute. :) When they scheduled the briefing this semester at 9am though, I wasn't sure the eclairs would be a good enough incentive to wake up that early (especially since I just had them about a week ago in a couple of lectures I attended, hee!). But since I didn't have a choice and I had to go anyway, I thought, "Oh, ok, at least, I'd have a treat after the briefing."

Spotting the refreshment table as I made my way to the the lecture hall, I saw that there were indeed eclairs. Nice! When I finally got to the eclairs plate after the briefing though, they were all gone. Actually, as I was nearing the plate, I saw the last person ever to have eclairs that morning, and she was getting two, she was getting the last two, of those little delights. And I was so close, and I couldn't stop her. Grrr! As I looked around later, I saw that some people had three or four! Hmph. It took all of my willpower not to grab those eclairs off their plates. I suppose the others come for the eclairs, too. Sigh. My realization: I better be faster in queuing up for the food next time.

P.S. I just realized I still haven't looked up the meaning of 'invigilate' after all this time. So I'll do it now. Done. And here it is:

invigilate

Main Entry:
in·vig·i·late
Pronunciation:
\in-ˈvi-jə-ˌlāt\
Function:
verb
Inflected Form(s):
in·vig·i·lat·ed; in·vig·i·lat·ing
Etymology:
Latin invigilatus, past participle of invigilare to stay awake, be watchful, from in- + vigilare to stay awake — more at vigilant
Date:
1553
intransitive verb: to keep watch; especially British : to supervise students at an examinationtransitive verb: supervise, monitor
— in·vig·i·la·tion \-ˌvi-jə-ˈlā-shən\ noun
— in·vig·i·la·tor \-ˈvi-jə-ˌlā-tər\ noun

-from Merriam-Webster Online

Yipee!

2007-11-20T00:02:00.000+08:00

I finally got the copy of the book in which my article appears. Hee! :)

It actually arrived last Wednesday, but I was not around to receive it, so I had to have it sent to the post office closest to our place (just across the street from our flat, hehe) and pick it up there. So I got the book this afternoon, and it was just so awesome seeing my name on there that I had to allow myself a foolish smile first, before I could move on to my next errand for the day.

Please note that among the contributors to the anthology, I’m the only one who doesn’t have a PhD, so if you find something problematic in my essay, or if you think it’s the worst essay in the bunch, that’s all I have to say to you. Hehe.

Anyhoo, here's the promised table of contents. I am second to the last on this list. :-) (The articles are actually quite interesting, if you care to browse. :))

P.S. I haven’t really done any writing today (yet again!), but for some reason, I’m not so worried about it. I’m feeling rather fine. :)

On Not Being Able to Write and the Sound of Doom

2007-11-18T15:22:00.000+08:00

I'm getting really frustrated with myself right now. I'm just finding it so difficult to write. I've set aside a number of days already--that is, I made no plans to eat out or watch a movie or shop--just so I can start writing and, hopefully, come up with, at the very least, five pages of solid writing. After four days, I still haven't come up with anything. Okay, I did go out last night for McDonald's (hoping that an apple pie and/or a chocolate sundae would cheer me up enough to write) and some Christmas shopping (because there was this store right in front of me with some really nice stuff), and yes, I've been spending more time on Facebook and particular addictions (aka applications) than I should, but that's only because it's become quite annoying staring at a blank page, especially since I've been doing it for hours. (I suppose the recent savagery--meaning, increased frequency--of my Slayer, Werewolf, Vampire, and Zombie attacks can be attributed to this frustration as well.)

I have to admit that last week and early this week, I wasn't really trying very hard to write. What hurts is that, in the past few days, I've been trying really hard, and yet, I just can't seem to make myself write. I'll start with one sentence, read it, delete it, start all over again. At one point, I got to write one full paragraph. It took me about three hours to write it. Right now though, that paragraph is in my Deleted file, because it doesn't sound academic enough (whatever that means!). My hope is that, with some choice of word upgrade, it'll find its way in the text somehow, so I won't feel so bad about it. I've always known that I find it difficult to start writing. It takes me hours, sometimes even days, to warm up, but it's been especially hard this time around.

I'm writing two papers: one for a conference presentation (and I hope, for the conference proceedings) and another for a journal. This means that I have an abstract for both, which means that I do know what it is I need to do and write. As I have laid out the arguments and specified the data and methodology in the abstracts, and as I have gone over my ideas in my head again and again, I shouldn't have such a hard time coming up with something. But there you go.

Both papers aren't due until the end of the year. (My presentation for the conference is actually on 13 Dec, but I'm not too worried about it. I mean, the presentation won't need the coherence and tightness that a paper entails.) I suppose this means I have time. But, see, if I'm not able to write right now, what more when the holiday season begins in full swing?! I'll be too busy, too distracted, too full, and too inebriated by then, so I really have to start coming up with something soon.

I remember the advice of my research methods lecturer: "Don't ever submit an abstract for a paper which you still haven't written." I don't really agree, but it totally applies in this case. It doesn't help that booming sounds of thunder can be heard right now. Ahhh, the sound of doom!

The NUS Exam Wellness Pack

2007-11-13T22:11:00.000+08:00

Since I started my grad work here in NUS in 2005, I'd been receiving notifications for the NUS Exam Wellness Pack (when and where it'd be distributed, a rough description of what the pack included, etc) a week or two before final exams season, but it was only this morning that I was able to get one. I didn't even intentionally get one. I was walking to the Central Library, when I saw a group of students handing out red paper bags to students. As I wallked closer to them, someone approached me and handed me a bag. Though I didn't know what was inside it, but because it was obviously a freebie, well, I took it. Hehe. What can I say? I love freebies--and swag, all kinds! (Hee, been wanting to use that word 'swag' for a long time.)

It was only when I looked in the bag that I realized it was the NUS Exam Wellness Pack. At first I thought it was some Singtel (a huge Singapore telecoms company) promotional merchandise, because the bag had Singtel written all over it. Singtel was probably a sponsor, because there were a number of things inside that had the Singtel logo as well. Oh, well, anyway, you can see for yourself. Behold the NUS Exam Wellness Pack:

So, there's a plastic folder, a notebook, a notepad, a pen (not in the pic though, because I couldn't find it), a can of coffee, a pack of teh tarik, a pack of nuts, some cheese crackers, gum, a travel size facial wash for men (I wonder why it's specifically for men), and a travel size neck and shoulder rub. While the tag line 'Exercise Your Right to Free Speech' may sound really exciting and revolutionary vis-a-vis the local context, please do not think it has any real critical edge to it. If you look more closely, you'll actually find it's tied to 'With Free Campus Calls.' I mentioned earlier that Singtel is probably one of the sponsors for this pack, right? So, there you go. Then again, it ('Exercise Your Right to Free Speech With Free Campus Calls') is a really good copy, I think, and the copy's sentiment--without the free campus calls bit, that is--seems to work very well with the color of the material, which is also Singtel's color.

Overall, I think the exam wellness pack is quite useful, though I have to admit, I don't have anything to compare it to. This is the first time I've ever gotten one. Actually, when I first received a notification for it way back, I was surprised. Can you imagine a UP Exam Wellness Pack?! I think not. Hehe. I don't know if Virginia Tech, the other school I went to for my MA, has something like this, as I never took final exams there. Come to think of it, it was also kind of surprising at first when I found out I had to take final exams for my grad work here. Then again, I'd been warned that exams were a major deal in Singaporean schools. I suppose the wellness pack is one indication of that. Plus the reading week, plus hours devoted to revision, plus emails of best wishes from deans and lecturers, plus the all-around anxiety that seems to hover on campus during this time, and most of all, plus the fact that some modules assign a full 100% on the final exam, making it the sole basis for one's mark. I suppose, in light of all these, the exam wellness pack is indeed much needed.

The Promise of the World Wide Web

2007-11-12T03:50:00.000+08:00

Got this from a friend over at Facebook. It's really cool, very interesting stuff. You really want to check it out. :)

Overall, I'm very impressed with the presentation. In fact, I'm still reeling from the incredible, amazing experience of watching it unfold the way it did. I really think the Internet, the age of digital information, information technology, or whatever other name it goes by has changed how we process texts and information, how we create and consume knowledge, how we order and make categories--or quite simply, how we read and write. It has indeed the potential to break down hierarchies, topple powerful knowledge regimes, and maybe, even change the world. And I totally believe it has that potential.

But I suppose, at the end of the day, this promise is tied to the issue of access--that is, the promise of the World Wide Web becomes a reality only for those who have access to it. What about thousands of school children in the Philippines who don't even have access to computers, to basic word processing software? How can they possibly hope for the promise of the Internet? What about those poor UP students who can only scrape enough for an hour of Internet use each day, maybe, each week? I suppose, like in all promises, this one comes with certain strings attached, so it cannot be taken at face value. How about you? What do you think?

First Christmas Tree

2007-11-10T01:51:00.000+08:00

Something special today: I bought a christmas tree. I wasn't planning on getting one today--though I did think about getting one at some point--but there was a christmas tree sale at the Takashimaya Square, and when I looked around, I found one, well, two actually of the same kind but with different colors, that I really liked the moment I laid eyes on it/them. It was a choice between the traditional, green with shimmering gold highlights and little gold balls, and the diva, gold with shimmering gold highlights and little red balls. I suppose you know what I chose.

Yes, I have a little DIVA christmas tree. It's nothing fancy. It's actually very short, about a foot long, and quite slim, but it's perfect for me and for the space that I have, and it's bright and shiny, which is important for me. Hehe. :-) Here it is:

It's cute, right? And right here is the star (which is really a shiny red snowflake) on top of the tree. It wasn't really part of the tree I bought, so I had to stick it in. It blends quite nicely with the tree it's as if the tree actually came with it. :-)

And there are other red stars now shimmering all over the room. Here's one:

I can't wait for the gifts that will soon appear by my tree. Wink, wink! :-)

Lazy Day and Some Good News

2007-11-08T23:38:00.000+08:00

Today is Deepavali, the Festival of Lights, here in Singapore, and it's a holiday. Since I don't have classes anymore and pretty much have my own work schedule, holidays don't really affect me. (It can be a holiday every day, as far as I'm concerned--hee!--until, of course, the guilt finally hits and I start working frantically. Sometimes, I wonder how I can ever go back to work, with its crazy schedule and deadlines and everyday stresses, after experiencing this much freedom and time on my hands. I suppose I'll cross the bridge when I get there.) Still, it's nice when it's a holiday here. For some reason, the streets are just a lot more quiet, and there's none, or at least less of, the morning noise and rush, which, if you're a (super) late sleeper like me, can be quite annoying.

So in celebration of the holiday, I pretty much lazed around the whole day, which wasn't such a good idea, given how work has been piling up on me. It can't be helped though. I suppose holiday or not (it's kinda nice to have the holiday for an excuse though, hehe), I would have spent the day lazing around. I just didn't have the energy to do much of anything. Well, I did have the energy to go on Facebook and pet my Ty-grrr and check out my Multiply and respond to this and that. I also went to the grocery close to our place and got shrimps. Then I made buttered shrimps for dinner (which, ahm, I have to say, was simply yummy.) More than these everyday things though, I just couldn't find the energy. Well, I'm just hoping I'll be productive tomorrow.

Anyhoo, some good news today. The Amazing Race returns to Channel 5, Singapore's local English channel. Yay! Double yay! :-) I was feeling bad the other day, because I thought they weren't going to show it. TAR 12 already started running in the US last Sunday, and there was nothing about it at all on Channel 5. Then, as I was complaining about it over lunch earlier, what should suddenly appear on my tv screen?! A promo bit for TAR 12. :) A two-hour special begins the show Wed next week. I know it'll be a few days behind, but I'll take what I can get. Hehe. I'm such a TAR fan, despite the really bad (not)All-Star season. It's like my guide to the world's cities and cultures or something, and Phil is my tour guide. Haha.

Another wonderful tv news for me is the return of Project Runway for its fourth season on 14 Nov. I know I'll catch the episodes days after they show, but still, it's wonderful to know that I'll be hearing Tim Gunn say "Carry on" and "Make it work" again while looking absolutely stylish in his black and gray suits. I've also missed Heidi Klum, her gorgeous phrasing of English idioms, and her auf Wiedersehens. I think the reason I love this show is that I see so much of the creative process that goes into the creation of a piece of clothing. I also like the challenges and how they force the contestants to work within the limits of these challenges and still come up with something that's, at the very least, well constructed. I can't wait! :-)

Lest you think I do nothing but laze around and watch tv every day, hehe, I actually have some news related to school and/or work. The anthology on language, discourse, and identity in which an essay of mine is included finally came out. It took two full years, a bit more even, for it to come out. I remember submitting the essay in late 2004 and doing the revisions in early 2005. Here is the book cover:

Once I get the copy of the book, I will scan the table of contents with my article and my name (hee!) and upload it here. It's for those of you who think I got the scan above from some random book. Hehe. Seriously, just please indulge me for announcing this publication to the whole world. It's just that I'm mighty proud of being included in this anthology, and this is my first refereed publication. My essay's nothing great, especially when compared to the groundbreaking essays in the collection, but I worked really hard on it, and so I patted my back a little and did a little dance when I heard from the editor (thank you, thank you, thank you--for your patience with me and your guidance) that the book was out. And now, I spread my joy to you. :-)

Memory/ies of Space

2007-11-08T02:27:00.000+08:00

This is just a little after reading parts of Gretel Ehrlich's 'The Solace of Open Spaces.' Please indulge me this moment of abandon. I just need to do something else, something other than what I've been doing for what already seems like forever.

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I remember entering that house and looking around, and not knowing where to look. Almost every space on the wall had some kind of ornament, or painting, or picture, or a hanging plant, or a mirror of some sort. I felt like there was no place where my eyes could look, move, breathe. In the living room, I remember not knowing where to sit, because there were just too many chairs, sofas, couches, stools, big and small tables, each one elaborately designed, magnificently solid. Remembering the floor, I know I had been overwhelmed by the richness of the carpet's red, but barely seen, because its every inch was covered. I remember feeling, rather urgently, despite my confusion, the need to sit, and to choose fast where to sit. Because if not, the things in that house would all close down on me. Or standing there, I would become another piece of furniture, another thing.

*****

I need some blank wall in a house to fix my gaze on, meet with my eyes as I think blank thoughts, paint with my own's imagination's creations. It's hard to do that when everywhere you turn, there is a pair of eyes looking, the head of a stuffed animal that seemingly mocks, the green of some indoor plant, an obscure water painting, or worse, your startled self staring back at you. I need space to move my feet. I cannot compete with the heaviness of objects. Clumsy and awkward, I need the freedom to walk around without worrying about crashing a crystal vase, a stand-up antique ashtray, or a sculpture worth more than all my possessions put together, perhaps even my life.

*****

What is it about filling up space? Some say that every space in the house should be occupied to show that you are blessed with material abundance, which would then attract more--more things, more wealth, more successes. It is also to guarantee that there are no empty nooks and crannies where evil spirits could lurk. It is to make sure no bad things are hiding in the shadows wide spaces make.

*****

With a picture on the wall beside you, an object that stands right beside where you sit, an ornament that hangs right before your very eyes, there is always something solid to look at, to fasten to, when the world gets soft and squishy, and you are uncomfortable. It seems that it's better to stare at an object and say something commonplace about it than comment on an emptiness in the wall when the conversation starts to die.

*****

Perhaps, there is a need to surround ourselves with all these objects, so that when our body starts to break, tear to pieces, fall apart, there are things around us that can hold us in, keep us together. Sometimes, inside my body, there is a certain kind of hollowness. A wide space engulfs me, and I cease to be. So I eat, drink, indulge, wanting to be solid, seeking matter, needing to be body. But the heaviness doesn't last. Space invades me again.

When Things Don't Work Out As Planned

2007-11-05T00:58:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling really bad right now. Sometimes, I don't understand myself at all. I should be working, working non-stop actually with some major deadlines coming up, but instead, I've been gallivanting around the city, getting addicted to Facebook, and blogging. Sigh. I really am in big trouble, or at least, I will be, real soon. Sigh. Sigh. Anyhoo, might as well just continue with this post, because, well, I already started it anyway. I will just have to start with my work after this. (Like, seriously.)

So, first, my trips around the city. Honestly, I made a conscious effort not to make any plans for Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, so I could stay in and work. But I guess I was destined for something else last weekend. Let's go over the details, shall we? :-)

Thursday night, Fama told me she was going to Orchard on Friday to get her groceries at the Cold Storage in Takashimaya. Thinking it wouldn't take a long time and because I'd been missing Filipino food, I decided to go with her. We made plans to meet up after her class first, then go to Lucky Plaza to get the adobo I'd been craving, and then get her groceries. Things could have gone according to schedule, really, if not for the Big Brands Sale at the Takashimaya Square. (Ok, prior to this, we also spent a bit of time browsing and buying some books at a book sale, but that didn't really take a long time.) We were supposed to look only at the bags, but for some reason, we ended up looking at everything else. Fama actually began her Christmas shopping right there and then, and I got a little crazy, too, over some stuff.

So what was supposed to be a two-hour lunch and grocery shopping turned into a five-, six-, seven-hour and counting mad dash for sale items. Good thing I got to snag this:

And some presents for people back home, which cannot be shown here just yet. I also got a present. Yay! I wonder what it is. Ahem. :-)

You can probably imagine the state I was in when I got home. Yes, I was simply unfit to work. :-( But being the good girl that I am (hahaha), I put in about an hour's effort, which, sadly, was just not enough. I told myself Saturday would be so much better, as I didn't have any plans, and I really wouldn't go out no matter what food I was missing and wanted to have.

I did stay home all Saturday, but while taking a break (after about 30 minutes of organizing stuff on my desktop, not even real work, sigh), I decided to open a Facebook account. I didn't have any idea how Facebook worked. I was just curious, I suppose, because I'd already received a few invitations to sign up. Also, I didn't think it would take a long time. I thought I would just sign up, check out some of the features, maybe add a profile photo, then log out. Let's just say that I didn't know what I was getting into. A few hours after I signed up and a thousand apps later, I was still on Facebook.

Again, because I'm a good girl, I did manage to put in about two hours worth of work, but again, that wasn't really enough. Now, I told myself, "Sunday would be better. By tomorrow, the novelty of Facebook would have worn off, and I can begin concentrating on my work." My guilt appeased, I went back on Facebook to add more apps and send more growing gifts. Hehe. Then I heard Fama call out from the kitchen. I went out of the room, and there I found her by the washing machine, holding out a green sorry-looking piece of cloth to me and looking confused. Earlier in the evening, because she was getting OC, she washed the placemats, table runner, and table cloth. The placemats and table runner came out ok, but apparently, the table cloth just unraveled in the wash. I was confused, too, as I didn't know how something like that could have happened. It was cloth, and it looked washable. At least, before it got into the wash.

We found out later from our other flatmate, Thea, who bought the table cloth, that it was actually disposable. She bought it even if it was disposable, because at the time she was getting our tableware, she couldn't find a table cloth long enough for our table. Since we didn't know this, Fama and I were worried that Thea would get angry, pissed, and/or irritated with us-- should it turn out that the material was so delicate it had to be handwashed or that it had some sentimental value--because we didn't ask her first before it was washed. Thea was out for the weekend and was due to be back Monday. (Yes, I know, good intentions. But what is the road to hell paved with again?!)

Obviously, the solution here was to replace the table cloth right away, because we didn't want Thea to go home to a bare table. That was Saturday night, right? Which meant the next day was when we should get the table cloth. Which happened to be the Sunday I was supposed to stay in and work all day. But it couldn't be helped. So on Sunday, we were at the Giant Hypermarket in VivoCity first, then Ikea. The table cloth quest took the whole afternoon and part of the evening. Well, not really, but we also had to buy other stuff. We also just had to have this:

God, that was one smooth, rich chocolate ice cream. Actually, I couldn't quite decide if it was really ice cream. It tasted and felt like chocolate, but unlike chocolate, it was cold and creamy. Oh, well. The important thing was, it was really good, that chocolate ice cream, ice cream chocolate thingy. :-) (I suppose it better be given how much it cost. Heh.)

And we also had to eat. At this point, I was not anymore concerned about work, as I was already at Ikea and happily enjoying my cream of mushroom soup and swedish meatballs at the Ikea restaurant. (I don't know what's in the air or in the food in Ikea, but I'm glad it's there. It just makes me really happy and makes me forget stuff that worries me.)

Unlike the last two days, when I got home last night, I didn't get to put in any work at all. I console myself now by saying I did get to do some paperwork anyway, so that should count as work, yes? Ok, paperwork and more Facebook. Sigh.

So how's today looking? Well, I ran lots of errands in the afternoon and early evening, and now, I'm quite tired. But I promise, I promise I'll really put in lots of work hours tonight. Wish me luck. :-)

P.S. Here's the afritada I cooked a few days ago. I think it looked good, but it didn't taste as good as the previous one. Hmph.

Nov 1 Blues

2007-11-01T12:55:00.000+08:00

I just had breakfast, or more accurately brunch, I suppose, as it's already noon. I had a belgian waffle, a toast, and pichi-pichi topped off with my favorite Ikea coffee. Lots of carbo-loading for me today. Not really because I have lots to do. It's more of me having such a physically-taxing and busy day yesterday that I ate up today the food and pounds I missed out on and lost yesterday. I know that doesn't make sense, but well, indulge me. :-)

So it's Nov 1. Here in Singapore, it's just really another ordinary day, not the big holiday it is back home. If I were home, I'd be in my hometown by now, in the cemetery--to visit and stay for a little bit with my dad and my grandparents. I'd also be catching up with relatives and childhood friends I didn't see or talk to on a regular basis. And there'd be lots of food to be had. My mom would always cook up a storm for our Nov 1 cemetery visits, lots of it to be brought to the cemetery (baon, hehe), others to be eaten at home after the tiring day. I know it all sounds like one big picnic, but isn't that the whole point?! I mean, Nov 1 does seem like, more than anything, a picnic and a sort of mini-reunion for Filipinos. At least, I find this especially true in the province--with the feasting and drinking and singing and all manner of merrymaking activities during the day visits and late-night vigils. It also seems every family has their own Nov 1 activities.

I suppose I'm just missing home. I was talking to my mom and my brother yesterday. As usual, I was asking my mom about the food she prepared. She said with a laugh, "Alam mo ikaw lang ang nagtatanong kung ano ang pagkain," to which I replied, "Eh kasi naman wala ako jan. Syempre di ko makikita mga handa mo." "Eh bakit di mo tanungin kung may flowers na," she persisted, still with laughter in her voice. Yes, she was teasing me. Eventually, she gave me a rundown of the food offerings, and I groaned as I heard each one, especially when she mentioned 'turbong liempo,' her specialty and my favorite among her many creations. Then I talked to my brother who then gave me a rundown of the goodies he got from Manila for pasalubong: GoNuts cupcakes and Krispy Kreme. Sigh. That's all I can say.

More than the food, of course, and the point of the matter really is that I'm missing a family thing again, because I'm away. It doesn't even have to be Nov 1. I suppose I just miss hanging out with my mom and my brother, gossiping about this and that relative, rehashing family stories and scandals, laughing at the most inane things, talking about what's going on sa Bahay ni Kuya (one of my mom's favorite shows), and just simply being there, in the presence of each other--all these while we feed Squee his favorite pastillas de leche. (He can have one whole bag in, like, minutes. Hehe. He is a fat pastillas de leche monster. I swear!)

Good thing I'll be going home this December. I'm just happy and thankful that I have that to look forward to.

Waiting for the Meat to Thaw

2007-10-31T11:30:00.000+08:00

That's exactly what I'm doing right now. I have some cooking to do today, and I'm right now waiting for the meat to thaw. I'm cooking pork afritada and chicken adobo. The last time I cooked afritada, it was really good, so I'm hoping to achieve the same result today. I cook adobo regularly, because it's one of those dishes that are just really easy to do, but I haven't tried chicken adobo yet. It's because, well, I'm allergic to chicken.

I know. It's sad, especially since I love chicken and actually grew up eating a lot of it. Para kong si Niknok, ang batang napakahilig sa manok. Hehe. Anyone who remembers Niknok? Well, if you didn't read Funny Komiks as a kid, then I don't think you'd know of him, in the first place. Anyway, going back to my chicken allergy, it was actually a recent development. Some ten years ago, to be exact. I know that doesn't sound recent, hehe, but what I meant by recent was, I didn't have it when I was a kid.

I blame this allergy on Chicken Bacolod. You see there was that period, two weeks to be exact, some ten years ago when all I ate for lunch and dinner--and I swear, breakfast too(!), if the resto only opened that early--was chicken from Chicken Bacolod. I'd have the chicken inasal (breast part), garlic rice, and chicken skin. I think ultimately, it was the chicken skin that caused the allergy. But god, it tasted so good!

Anyway, when the allergic reaction first appeared, it was in the form of an extremely itchy rash all over my fingers and toes. The itchiness soon gave way to a burning sensation, and my fingers and toes started swelling and became really red. I can still remember what my brother told me when he saw the rash: 'Wag kang mag-alala, Ate, dadalawin ka naman namin sa Tala.' Panicked and afraid, I rushed to see a derma, who then asked me about my recent activities and the food I'd been eating in the last few weeks. That visit to the derma signaled the end of my happy days at Chicken Bacolod. Sigh.

Well, maybe, I still go to Chicken Bacolod from time to time and still eat chicken from time to time. Hehe. I just make sure I have my antihistamines with me. Also, the key phrases are 'in moderation' and 'from time to time' as I can't definitely eat a lot of chicken now or eat chicken for days in a row. Sometimes, when I forget myself though, there is still some allergic reaction, but now, it appears in the form of a redness around my mouth, pretty much like a windburn. So if you see me sporting a windburn, you know someone's been eating what she's not supposed to. Hehe.

Okay, I have to check on the meat now. Happy day, all.

Done with Reposting

2007-10-31T00:24:00.000+08:00

I found out that Blogger does not have an 'export' function. There is something about RSS feeds, but I just couldn't understand the effin thing. So what did I do? I copy-pasted my blog posts from the other sites I maintain. Good thing I didn't have that many posts. Hehe.

So I suppose that'll be for now. I'll be back real soon. :-)

A Little Bit Thai, A Little Bit Indian

2007-10-31T00:11:00.000+08:00

Originally posted 29 October 2007.

-----
Because we were getting tired of our own cooking, we decided to go to Joe's Kitchen for dinner tonight. Joe's is a Thai restaurant, but for some reason, many of its dishes taste like Filipino food to me, at least after the chili is put aside. Hehe. I think what I really want to say here is that food at Joe's tastes like the way Thai food is cooked in the Philippines. Which means I really like it. :-) Then again, I basically order the same thing every time I go there anyway, so I don't have any means of judging the dishes I haven't tried. Whatever! Joe's is just really good food. And quite affordable too! :-)

We had crispy seafoood tofu, pineapple rice, fried chili fish (chili definitely on the side), and, for dessert, the yummy sticky rice with mango.

I know the food could have used more color, but that means mixing in the chili, which is a no-no for me. So, I'm sorry if the food in these pics looks a little bland.

Anyhoo, after dinner, we went to Little India to see the lights and do some chocolate-shopping at Mustafa. Here are some pics of the lights and me. No pics of the chocolates, because chocolates are private. Hahaha.

Just Fine

2007-10-31T00:10:00.000+08:00

Originally posted on 26 October 2007.

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Just wanted to share the song and vid below. Got it from a site where I usually lurk. Hehe. Anyway, it's such a fun, joyful song, and the vid is hawt. Mary J Blige totally rocks it. Enjoy! :-)

By the way, I love how they made those streaks of gold/fire swirl and spiral around her at the beginning. Parang pwede na din sa 'Heroes' si Mary J Blige. Hehe.

TMI?

2007-10-31T00:08:00.001+08:00

Originally posted on 24 October 2007.

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Okay, I did say I was going back to work, but just one more thing. I'm sure you have your own reaction/s to and/or position on the recent outing of Albus Dumbledore by his creator, JK. I will not discuss mine here, because it's not really the point of this link. But I really do want to say that I think it's wonderful that Dumbledore is gay, and such a shame that I chose not to pick up on it--I did think there might have been something a bit more in his thing with Grindelwald--primarily because I didn't think JK would dare. Turns out she did, and even announced it, in no uncertain terms, to the whole world. (Well, pretty much, right?) Despite certain misgivings about the business side of the franchise and how JK has been handling it, I have to say, props to JK for this one. I acknowledge what this pronouncement can mean, what it can do, and I'll give JK credit for that.

Okay, so I did end up talking A LITTLE BIT about what I thought. To the article now, what I find interesting in it is the shift of the discussion from JK's pronouncement of Dumbledore's sexuality to what JK does to the notion of authorship every time she announces some piece of information or 'past' or 'future' story about a character in a series that is supposedly concluded. Indeed, in JK's case, it seems the author is definitely alive.

What's Cookin in My Kitchen

2007-10-31T00:06:00.000+08:00

Originally posted on 24 October 2007.

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I just realized I haven't written about food in a while (hehe), so I figured, while taking a break from school work (t e d i o u s) and house work (CRAZY!), I might as well write about food--and have some fun in the process. As I said before, I'm not really what you'd consider a great cook, heck, I'm not even a good cook, but I've some recipes I've sort of mastered, so suffice it to say, I can cook. Or more accurately, there are certain dishes I can cook, and they actually taste like they're supposed to taste. If not better. Hehe. :-)

One of these is cheesy tuna and mushroom pasta. I make the sauce from scratch--that is, I put cream and cheese together in a pan and I stir and stir until the cheese is one with the cream--that is, all melted--and the color turns into a pale golden yellow. The tricky part is making sure that the sauce is smooth, and there are no cheesy bits. So to get the right texture, I keep stirring. (The problem with the cheesy bits is that they stick in the roof of your mouth, in your teeth, and/or even under your tongue, and it's annoying when that happens. If the cheesy bits cannot be avoided though, say, I got tired of stirring halfway through, I just say it's supposed to be like that, as the cheesy bits bring out the delightful cheese flavor even more. Hehe.)

For the tuna and mushroom mix, I saute some garlic first, then some onion--both minced, by the way--then I throw in the tuna, then the mushrooms. Then I do a bit of stir-frying. I usually use a combination of Century Tuna Hot and Spicy and Century Tuna in Vegetable Oil, so that the tuna is not so spicy, yet, it has a certain zing, which, from experience, I can say goes really well with the cheese and cream sauce. The mushrooms I use come straight from the can, usually Narcissus. I don't know why, but I've always used that brand.

I've always preferred spaghetti, and for the almost 5 years I've been cooking and serving this dish, I've used spaghetti. When I cooked it the last time though, I think about two weeks ago, I used macaroni. I wanted to give this old recipe something new. I wanted to bake it, and when I thought of that, I thought "Baked Mac, yum!" So I used macaroni. (I know, I know. I'm as logical in my cooking as I am in almost all other aspects of my life. :-)) The result was actually pretty successful. It was actually very good. And that's why I don't have pictures. We kept eating and talking about how good the pasta--now called baked cheesy tuna and mushroom macaroni, hee--was that we forgot to take pictures. Ahem. It's up to you if you want to believe that. :-)

But I have to say this pasta dish is not exactly the most healthy of meals, even with the tuna and the mushrooms, simply because of the cheese and the cream, which I use lots of. And, in the baked version, there's also the additional mozzarella on top, because, well, I love mozzarella. Hehe. Seriously though, the gooey texture and the mild and delicate milky taste of mozzarella make it the perfect topping for this pasta dish.:-) But, as I always say, I don't eat it every day (there are other more sinful fares to feast on, hahaha), so when I eat it, I will not be deterred by thoughts of what's healthy or not.

I wonder why I've never thought of baking this dish before. Oh, well, whatever, time to go back to work. Sigh. And, oh, I promise to take pictures next time I make this dish again, baked or not. :-)

All Set!

2007-10-31T00:05:00.001+08:00

Originally posted on 22 October 2007.

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After much planning and lots of careful attention to details (translation: stressful stuff), I finally got to book tickets for home this December, and I'm proud to announce it's reasonably priced, given the peak rates of the holiday season, the rather late hour in which I booked them, and my flight dates.:-) I'm flying with PAL en route to the Philippines and Cebu Pacific when I return back here. Would you believe this deal is actually 50sgd cheaper than if I had flown Cebu Pacific both ways?! I know it's just 50sgd, but still, I feel as if I've done a bit of good strategizing here and won something.

I mean, you couldn't possibly imagine the sick, miserable feeling I had when I went to the Cebu Pacific website early last week and saw that there were no more available flights beginning 17 Dec. It turned out that it was a glitch--there were available flights actually--but at that time, I didn't know that, so I was all panicky. Tiger Airways had sold out all their flights for the period in question weeks and weeks ago. I had vowed never to fly Jetstar again unless my destination was not the Philippines and only for a really unbelievably cheap ticket price. (The reason for this, as they say, is another story, and in this case, a long one, which I really don't want to recall.)

So, at that time, it was a very real possibility that I would have to fly PAL both ways. That would have cost me 200sgd more than the deal I got, and it would have been simply heartbreaking to pay that much after having experienced traveling for so much less before. I know it's Christmas anyway, but still, all the more reason to try to get affordable tickets, right? I mean, gifts need to be bought and parties attended and people to be made happy, after all. And that doesn't come cheap. :-) But I also told myself that if PAL was the last resort, then so be it. I should just resign myself to not being able to buy some things I wanted for myself this Christmas.

Good thing though I checked at Kabayan, a Pinoy-run (not sure if it's also Pinoy-owned) travel agency at Lucky Plaza, the Pinoy hangout/mall/destination in Singapore, before purchasing any tickets. Thanks to Dayen for the tip-off on the PAL one-way fare, which cost less than Cebu Pacific's, the further 10sgd deduction, and the interesting conversation. :-) If I had gone the other way and taken a two-way ticket with Cebu Pacific, you know, after I had found out about the glitch, I would have paid 50sgd more and missed airplane food (hehe) and lost Miles, which could help, if only a little bit, the sorry state of my mileage account. Plus, the PAL flight departs at a better, more convenient time.

In the end, I really think it's a good deal all around, and the best one I could have gotten under the circumstances. Sometimes, I really think I'm kind of a winner. Hahaha.

Manila, here I come! Well, not quite yet, but you get my drift. :-)

P.S. Please forgive me if I sound too self-congratulatory. It's very seldom that things of this nature, you know, successful execution after careful deliberation of details and such like, work out for me. Hee.

TV Tidbits

2007-10-31T00:04:00.001+08:00

Originally posted on 14 October 2007.

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Thinking about 'Grey's Anatomy' a while back, which was occasioned by a blog post and a reply, got me thinking about the shows that I really miss and want to see and watch. One is 'Ugly Betty." I read somewhere that this season, they will have one episode that is a musical (yipee!), and that Mark's character will get a boyfriend. This boyfriend is supposedly not Mark's type. He's chubby and not exactly fashionable, but Mark will be drawn to him. This should be good to see. :-) But before I actually start watching this season of 'Ugly Betty,' I should finish the first season. Due to the unfortunate fact that my 'Complete Season 1' of 'Ugly Betty' was only up to episode 17 and no matter how many times I brought it back to exchange it with some new copy, I still got the same (in)'Complete Season 1,' I unhappily missed a lot from the last season.

The other show is 'Heroes.' Haven't seen a single episode since the new season began airing, and I really don't have any idea what's been going on. I try to avoid the recaps and the forums, because, well, I want to be surprised when I finally get to see the new episodes. (I really don't mind being spoiled in most cases; in fact, I prefer it. But this time around, surprisingly, I want to be surprised.) I miss Hiro and Nathan and Nikki/Jessica and Mr. Bennet and, ok, ok, even Mohinder and his rather superfluous voiceovers (hehe). I also miss Peter Petrelli. So, in the meantime, to address my missing Peter Petrelli, I view this vid at least once a day:

I know he doesn't have superpowers here, but methinks Peter Petrelli with tattoos and a guitar and acting like a thug is good enough at the moment. At least, until I get to see the show again. Interesting that I end up with only Peter Petrelli to get my 'Heroes' fix. Oh, well, some things can't be helped. :-) Then again, I also really like Fergie, despite her rather extremely high-waisted pants in this vid. Hehe.

Other shows I'm looking forward to are 'Bionic Woman' (I suppose I would have been more excited about this, if Burke weren't there, but I do hope he wouldn't have to stay all throughout the season) and 'Cashmere Mafia,' a 'Sex and the City' kind of show, I was told, but with a different set of women, which begins airing in November. A friend of mine also told me to start watching 'Weeds' and 'Brothers and Sisters' and 'Gossip Girl.' Sigh. So many shows, so little time. Or more accurately, so many shows that I can't watch as they air, because we don't have cable. Then again, even if we had cable, I don't think the cable channels here would have aired them the same time they come out in the US anyway. I guess I'll just have to catch up when I go home in December. All I can say is thanks to all those venues (ahem) in the Phils that allow me to see all these shows.

So what am I watching these days? Not much tv actually, but it pleases me to say that one channel here is airing cycle 8 of 'America's Next Top Model.' As in every cycle, the wannabe top models are looking fierce, there is always drama (and bitchiness) happening in the house, and Tyra is, well, looking every inch like the Tyra I've come to know and love (and hate) in this show. It's just so hard to describe her. :-) So that makes my Thursday night. The rest of the time, I'm working. Bwahahaha.

Enjoy your Sunday, all!

P.S. If any one's got episodes of 'Ugly Betty' and 'Heroes' and you have a way of lending them to me, I will be forever grateful and will be your friend forever. :-)

The Way I Am

2007-10-31T00:02:00.000+08:00

Originally posted on 13 October 2007.

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This is the song that I keep singing right now. I caught it while viewing some new commercials with supposedly nice catchy tunes. (This--seeking out songs in commercials--is a new habit for me, which I suppose started after discovering Feist in the new Ipod nano commercial.) Nothing spectacular or profound about the song, but it's pretty and catchy, and I think it makes one feel warm all over. At least, that's what it does to me. Hehe.

So, first, here's the commercial

I just thought that maybe the reason why they used it to sell sweaters was precisely because of what I said above--it makes one feel warm all over. Hee. And, well, I suppose, because of the lyrics: 'If you are chilly, here, take my sweater.' Rather literal, don't you think? Oh, well, my favorite lines are, 'I love how the way you call me, baby/And you take me the way I am.' :-)

After some research (thanks, internet!), I found out that the song was sung by Ingrid Michaelson. You know what's next. I went to youtube and found this:

Then, I found out that she also sang 'Keep Breathing' which was used in Season 3 of 'Grey's Anatomy.' 'Grey's Anatomy' is too much drama for me most times, but I still watch it. Hehe. No, that wasn't what I was going to say. I wanted to say that, while way too intense for me most times, 'Grey's Anatomy' does have some of the best tracks one can possibly get from a tv show.

So, here's 'Keep Breathing.' I can't find a vid where Ingrid Michaelson is singing the song, so I'm just posting here the one with the 'Grey's Anatomy' montage of the 'Keep Breathing' story arc.

Good night, all. :-)

Go Bo!

2007-10-31T00:00:00.000+08:00

Originally posted on 11 October 2007.

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Earlier today, I heard some kid sing The Star-Spangled Banner on some tv show. It was a pretty good rendition, and I was instantly reminded of another great rendition of the same song--a reminder that then took me two years back when I would watch American Idol twice (sometimes, even thrice) a day and lurk in all the American Idol forums, all because of Bo. Yes, Bo! Sigh.

After Bo's season, American Idol just isn't the same, and there hasn't been any contestant who has captured my interest and imagination (ahem) as Bo had. Bo with his long, unkempt hair. Bo and his many flip-flops. Bo and how he'd say the word 'genre.' Oh, well, before I reveal the full extent of my fangirl-iness, here's the vid of Bo singing The Star Spangled Banner.

Don't you think that was kinda hot?

Good night, all. :-)

1 2 3 4

2007-10-30T23:58:00.000+08:00

Originally posted on 10 October 2007.

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I know I must be the 3 millionth person to have said this already, but this song and this video just make me really, really happy ... and really seriously considering getting the new Ipod nano (RED!) just so I can carry this wonder of a song and vision with me.

Feist must have already sold so many Ipod nanos for Apple, and she must be so big now with the exposure that the ad has given her. She totally deserves it, too, I think. I mean, I just got to listen to some songs in the album (The Reminder, if I remember correctly) from which 1 2 3 4 was taken, and they were just overwhelming.

Apart from 1 2 3 4, I'm also totally loving The Park. While Feist's images are not neccessarily easy to put into some kind of order, interpret, and/or arrange into some meaningful whole--perhaps, they're not meant to, and that's part of the beauty and charm of it--there are a few lines in 'The Park' that I just totally get.

Here: Sadness so real that it populates/The city and leaves you homeless again/Steam from a cup and snow on the path/The seasons have changed from the present to past. Sad, right? And with her voice and her singing and the melody of this song, it just touches you and makes you ache. For some reason though, it also makes you hope. Or maybe, it's just me. :-)

Anyhoo, I didn't really start out thinking this was going to be about Feist or her songs. I mean, I don't really have the right to be reviewing music. Hehe. So I'll just go back to where I started: I'm really seriously considering getting the new Ipod nano (RED!) just so I can carry this wonder of a song and vision with me. And, oh, by the way, I'm also open to the idea of having someone else get the Ipod nano (RED!) for me and make me really happy. Christmas, after all, is just around the corner. Ahem.

Good night, all! :-)

On Donuts and Coming Back to Life

2007-10-30T23:56:00.000+08:00

Originally posted on 03 October 2007.

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I finally got to taste the donut of The Donut Factory. It's okay, I suppose, if there's no Krispy Kreme around. Hehe. I've been totally spoiled by Krispy Kreme, especially my favorite varieties: Original Glazed, Glazed Cruller, Glazed Sour Cream and Caramel Kreme Crunch. Oh, such yummy goodness. :-) Can't wait to be back home for Krispy Kreme (among others, hehe), and when I go back home in December, there will be two branches in Trinoma. Yahoo! I don't have to go to Bonifacio High Street or to Megamall anymore. Krispy Kreme will just be, so to speak, right around the corner.

Going back to Singapore donuts though, I think there's an even better donut brand here in SG. I got to taste it in one of the talks sponsored by the ARI. I don't know its name though or where it's being sold. The box simply said 'Yummy'--or was it 'Munchy'?--and I assumed then it was the donut brand's name. It was so good I had, ahhmm, 5. Hahaha. (I didn't have lunch, ok? And that was already between 5.30 and 6 pm. Hehe. Anyway, my favorite was the Cookies and Cream variety). I was tempted actually to ask the organizers where I could get the donuts, but was too embarrassed to ask. (I mean, I didn't ask a single question during the talk's open forum it just didn't seem appropriate to ask about the food.) So, if there's anyone who knows where to get these 'Yummy' or 'Munchy' donuts, please let me know. :-)

I suppose I'm feeling pretty fine and quite back to my usual self now that all I can think about again is food. :-) I'd been sick the past week. It started out with some occasional coughing that turned into an annoying sore throat that developed into a full-blown fever. Two nights, my fever was so high I was delirious. I didn't really think I'd ever go back to being well. Being sick used to be fun when I was a kid or even a few years back. Well, yes, I'd feel really bad, but there were perks: I could skip class, have my mom come to Manila to take care of me, and get cakes and flowers and cards from loving friends. Ahem. Now, getting sick is just one big hassle, and it really takes its tool. Bawal na talagang magkasakit.

Anyhoo, I'm just glad to be well again, and able to move about--to play tourist guide to a visiting cousin, go to school and add to my collection of photocopies, go to Ikea and get lamps and have Swedish meatballs, and think and write about food again. :-)

Fine, Fine Line

2007-10-30T23:55:00.000+08:00

Originally posted on 11 September 2007.

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This isn't really a legitimate blog entry, I suppose. It's just I can't get the lyrics of the song out of my head, and so I'm sharing it with everyone else. I don't have the actual song here, but I know, for a fact, it's floating somewhere here on the world wide web, in case you're interested. It's from Avenue Q, which is being staged in the Philippines right now (and which I'm dying to see, but, well, I can't). It's 'There's a Fine, Fine Line' by Kate Monster of, yes, Avenue Q. I know some of you will find the lyrics only too relevant, so enjoy:

There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of your time.

And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity, I've got to close the door
And walk away...
Oh...

There's a fine, fine line between together and not
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

Berry Creamy Evening

2007-10-30T23:45:00.000+08:00

Originally posted on 29 August 2007.

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What do I do when I have work due soon and I haven't started it yet? I do something else. Just like today. Since I have an abstract due on Saturday and I'm already beginning to panic (because I have no idea what to write and the publication I'm sending it to, I've been told, is so discerning), I decided to divert my attention a little bit. I cooked dinner. (I suppose this is also my way of taking control of the kitchen again after the fiasco on Sunday.) I fried fish and garnished it with lemon and made a cream-based vegetable dish following a favorite recipe from my mom. Some pictures--because I'm kinda proud of my creation. Hee.

Do you see how perfectly fried the fish was? I did say I was going to go with low and/or medium heat after Sunday's fiasco, but fish, if you wanted it fried, had to be cooked in high heat. That I got from a Kitchenomics show I caught years and years ago, which for some reason, I never forgot.

And do you see the fusion of colors in the vegetable dish? The reds and the greens combining gorgeously? Nigella would be so proud of me. Haha.

And for dessert, have you ever tasted real raspberries and blackberries? Not me, so dessert, which was bourbon fudge brownie with raspberries and blackberries in light cream (not so light actually, if you put all of them together) was just marvelous. I wish I could say I created it, too, but no, credit must be given where it's due. It was Fama who made it, and it was her idea.

And because the berries in cream (note: in cream!) were so good, and we already ran out of brownies and still had some apple pie, guess what we came up with next? Here, which was, in fact, much more marvelous, and thus the already half-eaten apple pie:

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a fantastic cook. I'm more of a hit and miss cook. (Well, I do have my own house specialties, but that I suppose would be another story.) It's most times too salty, most times overcooked, sometimes too oily, sometimes bland. But there are times when I get everything just right. I think tonight is one of those. Happy sigh. Now, if I could just write the effin abstract, it would all be perfect.

Good Morning Singapore

2007-10-30T23:30:00.001+08:00

Originally posted on 27 August 2006.

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I wish I could burst out into 'Good Morning Singapore' today, just like Tracy doing 'Good Morning Baltimore' in Hairspray, but I don't think I can. Today is looking bleak. It's overcast. I have a full day: cook (and cook slow and right and safe) right about after I finish this, eat, take a shower and get dressed, go to school, download and print out a number of articles from an online journal, download and print out recipes, scan some documents, email said documents, pass by The Deck for take-away, and on my way home, drop by the supermarket to get cheese, tuna, broccoli, sage, potatoes, and pork chops. When I get home, I have to read the articles, read an essay I was supposed to have read yesterday, and go back to my transcription. With this kind of day, it's kind of difficult to start belting out some tunes. Sigh.

Then again, Hairspray is still stuck in my head, and I just can't help but smile. I haven't had this much fun watching a movie in a long time. Well, I liked Bourne Ultimatum and enjoyed watching it, but Hairspray? It was just fun. Fun and happy and gay and inspiring and something I could and would watch over and over again. The moment Tracy started singing 'Good Morning Baltimore' and sashaying around, I knew the movie would rock and I would totally love it. There were many other delightful surprises in the movie for me (e.g., the black and white versions of 'New Girl in Town,' Christopher Walken's and a transformed John Travolta's 'You're Timeless to Me,' that Cyclops and Amanda Bynes could sing, Queen Latifah's poignant 'I Know Where I've Been,' and the 'You Can't Stop the Beat' finale), but this is not a review. This is just to share my Hairspray joy. So, here you go (this one's especially for those in the Philippines who start work today after a long weekend):

I love, love, love this whole sequence, but my favoritest part is at around 1:05 when she gets left by the bus because she's strutting her stuff until around 0:45 when she gets on top of a truck and belts 'I love you Baltimore.' I suppose I'd be belting out some tunes this morning after all. :)

Good morning Singapore
Every day's like an open door
Every night is a fantasy
Every sound's like a symphony

Have a good day, y'all!

Scary Sunday

2007-10-30T23:27:00.001+08:00

Originally posted on 26 August 2007.

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Today, I got one of the biggest scares of my life. I woke up pretty late, and was hurrying to get something cooked so I could eat, as I also woke up hungry. I went to the kitchen, took some sausages out of the freezer, got the frying pan on the stove, put in some oil, turned on the stove to high heat, then threw in the sausages. I knew when I did that, it was going to sizzle, because, well, I didn't thaw the meat and the pan was very hot, so I backed away from the stove as far as I could. And sizzle it did. Smoke started to come out of the pan, too. I thought I should probably turn the heat off or set it to medium for a little bit, just for the smoke to go away, but the oil was sizzling so ferociously I didn't want to get near the pan. I decided to wait for the sizzling to let up. Then, from where I was standing, a good four feet away, I saw that the fire under the pan was beginning to crackle. I thought, for a second, the pan would catch fire, but then I thought that wasn't possible. And the moment I thought that, fire, about 6 to 7 inches, suddenly leapt out from the pan. For a second or two, I just stared at it, unable to think. It seemed all thought had left me. When thought returned, it was, "God, I'm going to die."

I suppose I thought of more than that though, because the next thing I did was run to the stove and turn the burner off. When it did not put out the fire, I took the pan out of the stove and threw it on the floor. The sausages jumped off, the pan hit the floor, then almost immediately, the fire went out. I suppose, while all this was going on, I called out to my flatmate in what would be described as a terrified voice, because she rushed out, alarmed. When she got to the kitchen though, the fire was already out, and I was standing there, shaking, and still unable to believe what just happened. I still don't know how the fire died just like that. I threw the pan on the floor, because I needed to find some cloth to put the fire out with and didn't think I could do that while holding the pan at the same time. I didn't know it would make the fire go out. Whatever. I'm just glad it turned out to be the right thing to do.

I can still see the events of the afternoon in my head, and the whole thing still scares me. The lesson? I'm not really sure. I just know, beginning today, I'd thaw frozen meat before I fry it, and go with low to medium heat. And if I wake up hungry, I'd go have cereals first.

Spare Me My Life

2007-10-30T23:25:00.001+08:00

Don't you just think this is genius? You can exercise, learn English, and learn to defend yourself all at the same time. You can also pick up a nice little ditty along the way. Have a nice day, you all! :)

Horoscope

2007-10-30T23:21:00.000+08:00

Originally posted on my Friendster blog on 19 August 2007, right about the time I started this.

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"It's time for you to organize the different elements of your life and get things on a coherent schedule. Your work or school obligations, your friendships and your romantic relationships are all pulling you in different directions, and the problem will only get bigger if you put off getting things in line. Be a lot more structured about how you plan your days -- get it down to the minute if you have to. These drastic measures don't have to be permanent, but they'll get you going down the right track."

that chunk above is my horoscope for the day. it's crazy how i've done nothing the past few weeks but try to organize my life, and and still, the horoscope i get tells me to do more of it. then again, as i begin thinking about how i've spent the last few weeks, i realize that, perhaps, what it's telling me is to organize ALL aspects of my life, not just certain aspects of it, as i'm prone to do. in particular, i think it's telling me to start attending to my school obligations--instead of organizing and re-organizing my photos and uploading them. ahem. i also think it's telling me to start transcribing my data and writing my first chapter--instead of starting this. ahem. ahem.

Cannot

2007-10-30T23:20:00.000+08:00

cannot write, cannot sleep, can only do this, lah.

Unwell

2007-10-30T23:19:00.000+08:00

Originally posted on my Friendster blog on 05 May 2007.

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i'm totally grasping at straws right now. i haven't written a single thing in months. yes, i've written a few abstracts--for prospective conferences, grant application, IRB exemption--and a really long, overdrawn letter for why i was two months late in submitting an application, but as for the real deal? nothing. nothing at all. while i've been reading a lot and commenting (also doodling!) on the margins of my photocopies, i hardly think these activities can be considered real work. and as the conference to which one of my abstracts went is drawing closer and closer, i'm becoming, well, more and more, high-strung. i have an abstract, but i do not have a paper.

i have a 'sort of paper.' it's actually a full paper, which i wrote the entirety of about half a year ago and never really gone back to since. i'm saying it's 'a sort of paper' though, because it needs a lot of work, as it is, and specifically in terms of the theme of the conference. when i wrote the abstract, i took out two parts of that full paper and linked them to one part (the theme of the conference), which is yet to be thought about (or imagined) in any serious way--or in any way at all, if i really have to be honest about it. in a sense, since i have two parts of this thing actually out there, it shouldn't take so long to write. however, it's proving very hard now to link these two parts to the one crucial theme-of-conference part. i can't even remember how i made the connection before. i'm also begining to realize there is a HUGE difference between a 200-word abstract and a 12- to 15-page paper, especially with how things are right now.

how are things exactly? i suppose i have PQS. (thanks to an almost post-quals/(QE) student for the link, and good luck to you! hehe.) so anyway, there you go, that's one more site i frequent these days. (i hope you don't enjoy it as much as i do, especially if you have a deadline coming up.) i have to say i haven't done much of the advisor (or in my case, supervisor) avoidance thing, because, at this stage, i need her signature for so many things and she really is pretty cool, but add to this list, at least for me, is an inordinate amount of reality tv--and tv in general. and PQS, they say, is incurable. sigh.

Touching Base

2007-10-30T23:17:00.001+08:00

Originally posted on my Friendster blog on 24 February 2007, after a long silence, which this post tries to account for. Hehe.

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this blog looks so sad. from the tone of my previous post, you would perhaps think that the reason i haven't checked in is that i've been busy with school stuff. i'd really like to say that, yes, i've been really busy reading, uhm, the theory of structuration or the sociolinguistics of globalization or the structure vs agency debate or the glocalization of English or some other big-sounding category of knowledge, but, uhm, no, not really. i haven't really done any of that. i've been trying though. i've been trying really hard. (and don't you think props should be given to me for that, and the fact that i've got my big jargon words down pat? hee.)

so what have i been doing all this time? well, christmas came, and it was sheer craziness. with all the parties, the shopping and gift-giving, the constant moving around, and my general state of lethargy, there wasn't any time to think, much less write. the early part of january was hectic, too, because, well, it was time to clean up the mess of the holiday season--and eat all the leftovers. then, it was my birthday. you know how birthdays are, right? they usually last more than one day. so mine, it took a while, too. it was all good though, because it's always nice to be reminded that you're loved, and that you've been blessed, and that you have so much to be thankful for.

what's hard to account for is the time after that. i did meet up with my supervisor, and we talked about organizing my life. so i did that for about a month. in the best way i could. i made about a hundred more folders on my iBook, colorcoded them, shuffled my files, and assigned more specific labels to each one. i tried at first to come up with witty titles for my folders, e.g., The Rather Tentative but Definitely Important Topic of Meta-Talk in a Globalizing World, but i soon realized i couldn't possibly do that for each of the hundred folders that i just created (and really, i was doing it to avoid categorizing my files), so i ended up with rather boring, basic kinds of titles, e.g., Globalization&Theories of Communication. (oh, alright, it's not exactly a hundred folders, but it's close. i'm telling you it's close. please believe me.)

why it took a month, when i haven't even touched my gazillion photocopies (yes, photocopies. i tell you, when i return back home, i'll have a library full of photocopies. and mind you, i myself was the one who photocopied them all. i often tell my friends that if i didn't finish this freakin degree, i could always apply at the SC for a photocopying job. hee!), i'm not really sure. perhaps, because on the side, i was also organizing my photo and music library and spending more time doing that. i mean, in this case, i really had to come up with inventive labels for my photos. i just couldn't say 'vacation' or 'christmas' like it was just that, right? the labels had to be funny, quirky, witty. as for my music, i had to redo my playlists, because the previous ones didn't apply anymore, and then come up with, you guessed it right, new labels. you could imagine the time it took.

or maybe, it was because i was on youtube practically all the time, getting the latest episodes of 'maging sino ka man' and scenes from previous episodes i didn't get to see (celine's 'i'm the best slut in town' scene totally rocked, i thought) or tegan and sara videos or american idol auditions i missed or harry potter&the order of the phoenix previews or MADtv spoofs or full-length movies of this and that or something this and that. there was just always something for me to view on youtube. youtube, as you probably know by now, is my happy place, so i stay there as much as i can.

or perhaps, it was because on top of everything else, i was also trying to catch up with all the recaps and forum discussions and blog posts (definitely not mine!) i missed over the break. just as i was getting on the latest pages of my regular online destinations and beginning to think i could finally start with organizing my gazillion photocopies, a friend texted me to say that the final harry potter book was due to come out on 21 feb, er, july (love you, kla!). right after that, i was googling all HP7-related news, which then led me to two HP sites that got me into reading essays upon essays on who R.A.B. really was, whether or not snape was really dumbledore's man, and which characters would die. and finally, a little after the HP7 excitement/anticipation had subsided, THIS, which took a really huge chunk of that one month.

i don't really think these online activities would do me good in the real world, but still: i know all about the latest american idol gossip, britney's bald head and in-and-out of rehab dance, the latest scientology recruits, and the possibility that george clooney had his eyes done. more, i think i have a better insight now on snape's character, the pendant lying around at number 12 grimmauld place, and the significance of harry having his mother's eyes. i also realized that no matter how upset i've been about dumbledore's death, even shedding a few tears, there are at least ten people more upset about it than me, so i should just pull myself together and get on with my life. and, best of all, and this may not make sense at all, but: "when you smile? i die a little."

sometimes, i wonder what the real world is there for. but it is there. and i'm part of it. at least, that's the general idea. so for the real world then, well, my favorite reality shows are back, so, yay! kidding aside, i managed to do some 'real' work, i suppose. i updated my bibliography, added a few more essays to my photocopy collection, wrote some kind of academic life plan for this year, read at least half of an essay every day, read a novel, cleaned my room, and fixed my desk. i did some shopping for the chinese new year celebrations and learned to cook two new dishes. i also went out, met up with some friends, and had a couple or so drinks.

over all, i think i’m doing things okay. i just get this nagging feeling all the time that i'm not doing enough reading. it’s also killing me that this organizing thing is lifelong work. it has to be done forever. you have to understand that structure does not come naturally to me. it has to be imposed all the time. more accurately, i have to impose it on myself all the time. oh, well, let’s see how it all plays out in the coming months. in the meantime, there’s much to do online.

Afterwards

2007-10-30T23:15:00.001+08:00

Originally posted on my Friendster blog on 24 November 2006.

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done with my qualifying exams finally. this afternoon, i did the oral defense of my research proposal, which was the third and final component of the series of exams i had to go through so i could go on with the program. i was such a nervous wreck before, during, and even after the defense--such a wreck that if my supervisor had burned her fingers, it would have been totally my fault. but anyway, going back, i think, despite my being a wreck, the defense went pretty well. i did my little powerpoint presentation, was asked some questions, and got some very useful and valuable feedback. i also realized this afternoon that the really serious work is just beginning and there's just so much of it that needs to be done.

basically, my panel told me to ditch one component of my proposal, the component i'm familiar with, the one i've been trained in, the one i've worked so hard for over the last few years of my life, and just focus on the other, the component that i don't really know how to do and i'm just actually beginning to get some handle on. i know what has motivated this advice, of course: the other component is really the more interesting one, the one that has potential to be, well, groundbreaking (which i've been told over and over is one of the basic minimum requirements for phd level work). naturally, it's also the more difficult direction to take, especially since it's not really the kind of thing i'm used to doing.

actually, i sort of knew this would come up in the defense. and i knew, at some point, i would have to move out of my comfort zone. i told my panel as much. i told them the direction they were leading me to was just too much of an unknown territory, and i was actually terrified to be going there. one of them said that if i didn't want to go there to begin with, i wouldn't have made it part of the proposal at all. the two others assured me it was part of the whole process, and most everybody would go through the same thing. i guess there's no postponing it now.

i really started out thinking that after my proposal defense, i'd be out celebrating and i'd just be happy it was over. okay, i did celebrate. i went out and had a really nice (and cheap too!) pizza and pasta dinner in this out-of-the-way hawker place on alexandra road, which my flatmates recently discovered. and, okay, i'm happy it's over. at least for now. see, that's the thing: i'm just too aware of the fact that very soon i've to start working again that i can't relax.

i guess i just couldn't help but remember and compare what i did after i passed my ma proposal defense. i was out until the wee hours of the morning, happily getting smashed and not at all concerned about the work ahead. my pizza and pasta dinner, though i enjoyed it very much, seems to pale in comparison. then again, i haven't been drunk (tipsy, yes, but that's different) in almost a year, so maybe something else is going on. i'm thinking it must be because i'm much older now, and thus:

1. i'm more serious about work and actually invested in what i do (hee!)
2. i'd rather spend my time having a nice, quiet dinner than getting drunk senseless and making a fool myself
3. recovering from hangovers has become quite a feat, so it's better to avoid occasions leading to such
4. i tire rather easily now
5. i'd rather youtube and widen my horizons

i think i can give a few more consequences of aging, but long story short: oh, the few years it takes for wild child to turn to old lady. which is another story and totally not the point of this post, and i don't really know how i got there, so to get back on track:

i was telling my flatmates earlier that it was just so anti-climactic. i'd been waiting for this moment the whole semester. when it finally happened, it didn't really feel as if i accomplished very much. it felt like it was just a thing i had to do, and i did it, and now, i'd have to move on to other things. oh, i don't know. what was i expecting anyway? qualifying exams are really just that after all: something one has to go through, so one can move on to the real deal. and the real deal will be tough. so i might as well stop agonizing over this and spend my energies reconciling with the fact that there's no going back now.

Remembering

2007-10-30T23:12:00.000+08:00

Originally posted on my Friendster blog on 19 November 2006 as a tribute to one of the smartest, sweetest, strongest women I've known in my life. You are missed, Ma'am Ebang.

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i learned a few days ago that one of my most favorite people at the fc and in the world has passed away. a friend who had been to the fc called and told me about it. it was such a sad moment when i found out, but, even as my eyes watered, i also knew everything was alright. it was her time to go, so she went. she was that kind of person.

i was never in any of her classes, so i didn't really know how she was like as a teacher. all i knew about her when i was a student was that 1) she taught very early in the morning, 7-8.30 and 8.30-10 american literature courses; 2) she was a very good teacher; and 3) she was tough and strict and unforgiving. her hair which was in a perennial bun and her no-nonsense demeanor further reinforced this perception. i guess it wouldn't be a surprise if i say i was terrified of her.

my first real interaction with her was when i applied to the decl for a teaching position. she was part of the 9-member panel that interviewed me for the job. i remember i was already nervous and afraid before i got sent into the 'inner sanctum' (this was how we called the chair's office and adjoining conference room inside the decl office). when i saw her in the panel, i became even more nervous, even more afraid, if that was at all possible.

looking back now, however, i think she was perhaps the kindest member of that panel. she asked me what the last book i read was and whether i liked it or not. i don't really remember what i said, but i remember she was smiling at me when she asked that question and was nodding her head as i responded. i remember this quite clearly, because it struck me as weird that she was being so nice. in fact, i even thought that, maybe, it was a trick question. i realize now that, in that interview, she was being the person that she was, not the person i thought she was like.

i mean, undoubtedly, she was one hell of a good teacher. she was also obviously tough and strict and unforgiving as a teacher, especially to particular kinds of students. but i also found out that she was one of the kindest, sweetest women one could possibly get to know. she was also sensible and strong and fiercely independent. she had an awesome sense of humor and fantastic timing. she loved to laugh, and she did with so much joy.

i remember when i saw her in july. she said she was glad that i always visited whenever i was home. then she said she was glad to see me, because she was afraid that, the next time i visited, she wouldn't be around anymore. i told her that, of course, she would always be around, and we would definitely see each other again when i returned in december. it makes me sad knowing that i'm not going to see her when i return home, but i also know that all's well. she was ready to go, so she did. she was that kind of person.

-----

i couldn't go to the memorial, so i wrote this. thank you, ma'am ebang, for everything. you'll be missed!

So Over

2007-10-30T23:11:00.000+08:00

Originally posted on my Friendster blog on 17 November 2006.

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so i found out some things have changed on the philippine idol front, and a friend has said they're all for the good. the airing of the shows has moved from a sat-sun to a sun-mon night schedule. the voting period has been cut down to two hours from what used to be a 24-hour event. there are also guest judges who are said to be tougher and more critical than the resident judges. and thanks to all these changes, jeli mateo and ken dingle have now been eliminated, to which, yay, but then again, not! i'm just so over philippine idol by now it doesn't matter anymore (and as i say this, all my friends nod and say, 'about f&@%ing time too!').

i guess it can be likened to being in a relationship that has been so bad for a long time that even if things have started getting better, you find yourself not caring, because, really, you've moved on. it's like you wake up one morning, and you think, 'it just can't go on anymore.' and so you break if off. and while you think that maybe you have been harsh and cruel in your decision, because things, after all, are getting better, you know that no matter the good now, it just can't outweigh the bad before, so, really, it's the right thing to do. then you close your eyes. then you breathe. in the case of philippine idol, that would be your ears flapping to thank you for finally stopping the additional damage you've been inflicting on them.

Time for A Cool, Cool Change

2007-10-30T23:05:00.000+08:00

Originally posted on my Friendster blog 16 November 2006 in lieu of my blog revamp. I don't have the old blog, but
here's what replaced it. :-)

indeed. so here's a new style and layout to my blog and a new title, too. the first time i posted here, it was really just on a whim and i didn't really think i'd be able to post again, so what i did was i skimmed through the blog-building process, chose the design with the color that was closest to purple (my default color, because, i think, of lavenders, which i love), and used the first title that came to mind. when i found myself posting again, and then again, i had thought of revamping the whole thing. i realized the purple color wasn't exactly the kind of purple i wanted, and the title was just, well, like the title of so many other blogs and articles and whathaveyous circulating online. (don't get me wrong; i still like the whole 'aimless wanderings' idea, because, really, that's what i do, but i also thought maybe i should try a little harder in coming up with a title.) never got a chance to do any revamping though, because i'd been totally swamped with work and school stuff.

now that i'm done with my comprehensive exams (yay!) and the writing of my thesis proposal (double yay!), i told myself i better start changing a few things here and there, before i start drowning again. i mean, it's a bit quiet now, but i still have an oral defense to prepare for--and dread and agonize over--and final papers to check. i also have exam duties and some paperwork to do before i can take off, and, of course, christmas shopping, which can take a huge amount of time and energy. (i like pretending i don't like christmas shopping--you know, i try to make it seem like it's a chore or a duty, or when i say 'christmas shopping,' i sort of roll my eyes--but it's hard, because i really do--in the i-smile-and-get-really-excited-when-i-think-about-it kind of way.) so, anyway, now that i still have some time to spare: this blog is gonna get totally made over! :)

my choice of this new layout and design is based primarily on the name of this style: sunburned. no, not because i'm in a very hot country where i get sunburned every time i leave the house (over the last few weeks, about five people commented that my skin was getting darker, to which i didn't really know how to reply, so i just said, yeah, i guess so). it's also not because i like getting all tanned up, because, yikes, no (for some reason, this reminds me of people with really bad fake tan they look orange). i guess it's really just because i thought the name was cute, and it matched very well with the dashes of red and the various shades of (coffee with milk) brown on the page. also, and i think this is important, my horoscope today said i should add more reds and browns to my wardrobe. yes, seriously. i immediately thought, why not to my blog as well?! hehe.

as for the new title, 'uptakes' is taken from one of the books i was required to read for my second comprehensive exam. i know i complained a lot about a lot of stuff on my reading list, but not about this one. i guess it's one of those books i'm just happy i got to read whatever the circumstances may be of why i came to read it. i suppose i've to thank the members of my panel for that. anyway, the term just really points to how language is all a matter of uptake--that is, person a puts forth something, and person b takes it up. the logical conclusion is that, after this exchange, person a and person b arrive at an understanding. but it's not really all that simple. first off, there is no guarantee that person b will take up whatever person a said; it's also not guaranteed that person b will take up what person a said in the manner that person a intended. or it's possible that person b, even if s/he understood what person a said in the intended manner, would refuse to take it up, simply because s/he could.

underlying all these then is the fact that the discursive field in which people engage and interact is often already stratified. when people enter discourse, they don't enter a blank space; rather, they enter a place already filled with all kinds of inscriptions and attributions that privilege some participants and limit others. moreover, people themselves are rarely in equal or symmetrical relations; they know this, and they act accordingly. so person b, for instance, refuses to accept what person a is saying, because s/he deems it unacceptable, and s/he can make that judgment, because s/he has the authority to decide on what's acceptable or not. put this way then, 'uptake' becomes a site of contention, of power struggle.

i know these aren't exactly new ideas. i think most everybody knows that the world we live in is unfair, and there are rich people and poor ones, and all sorts of classifications that put people in place. but my joy in all these, my excitement, lies in how a certain term, something actually quite common, becomes something else entirely, because someone chose it and used it to make sense of a phenomenon that is so obvious and yet so difficult to grasp. what i love about all these is how something is explained to me in such a way that it becomes more illuminating of what i already know--such that the knowledge i have actually becomes (and feels) brand new.

so 'uptakes' it is. i have to make it clear though: i didn't choose the term to turn this blog into a site of power struggle and/or whatever else i said above. i decided to use it, because i just really like the term, and it sort of applies, i think, in the sense that, 'here's my uptake, will you take it up?' bwahahaha. the author of the book would probably kill me if he found out i ever used his term/concept this way. it's a good thing he never would. :)

in closing, i was just thinking if i really needed to think so much about this whole revamp thing, and if i really had to subject you to the process. then, i realized, for some time now, all i've been doing is trying to explain and justify every piece of data, every theoretical framework, every methodology, every little thing that i intend to include in my research project. so maybe it's carried itself over to other aspects of my life as well. you may just want to indulge me a little bit then.

p.s. okay, i just had to do it. the old title of this blog would just have to have its place somewhere in here. i guess i'm lucky there's such a thing as subtitles. hehe. then i had to add some synonymous phrases for balance, because having just one phrase up there kind of looked sad.

Oh Joy, Oh Jade

2007-10-30T23:03:00.000+08:00

Originally posted on my Friendster blog on 29 October 2006.

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i've started watching america's next top model season, ooops, i mean cycle, 6 again. i stopped watching it at some point because i just couldn't take how bad some of the contestants looked. yes, real bad. as in, fugly kind of bad. i know it's mean to say that and all, but i can't help it. i mean, i'm just telling the truth. and besides what's the point of watching tv, reality tv specifically, if you can't be snarky, right? anyway, now that the number of contestants has been trimmed down, i realized there are actually some girls who are pretty and photograph well, which i think i didn't see before, because there was so much, well, unpleasant distraction. but i didn't really start watching again because of these girls. it was because of one of the fuglies remaining on the show, jade, who turns out to be, surprise, surprise, a master of words. every time she showcases her linguistic prowess, she just gives me such joy.

last week, she coined the word 'cut-throatiness' to refer to the cut-throat business that is modeling. then, she composed a poem and said she wanted to share it with the viewers. it went this way: 'heaven and hell, earth power wind force, make me listen, and my strength will be my source.' profound, huh? and it rhymes. (does it also remind you of a certain singing group?) this week, when they, the contestants, were tasked to sell themselves to the judges, she described her body as 'proportionable.' in closing, she also said, 'i'm blah, blah, blah, what you see is what you get. don't judge the book by its cover.' yes, she said that. exactly like that. i have to say jade makes the english language very exciting indeed. oh, and she refers to herself as the undiscovered supermodel. hahaha. thank god for jade. she makes me so happy in these dire times.

WTF

2007-10-30T23:02:00.003+08:00

Originally posted on my Friendster blog on October 25, 2006.

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wtf is going on with philippine idol? this is the second non-elimination week, and it just doesn't seem right. i mean, the first time was understandable with milenyo and all, but this time, i just don't think i can buy the technical problem whathaveyou reason they came up with. i think the real reason has to do with better contestants getting voted off week after week, and they're trying to do damage control, since i suppose, another one of the better contestants would have gotten the boot this week too. oh well. whatever. i didn't really think that how much money a contestant has will factor so much in this competition, because it never seemed to be an issue in the other countries that have the idol franchise, but i guess it's different in the philippines. it's kind of sad, really, that the good singers are getting booted out simply because they don't have family and friends who can afford to call or text a gazillion times or buy boxes upon boxes of those philippine idol phone cards (or whatever that new voting thing they're having is called).

then again, the show's demographics is not really clear. since it's hard to tell who's watching, where they're coming from, and how huge a group they make, it's hard to judge and make generalizations about the voting results. it may be the case that those who watch the show don't really vote--unless they're related to the contestants in one way or another. as a case in point, i watch the show, but i'm hardly the type who'd vote. (and given where i am and that i see the show days later, i can't anyway.) it's also possible that since the show is on channel 5, it doesn't really get the kind of promotion and viewership that competing shows in other, more established networks get. maybe, not many people outside of the contestants' circles, e.g., family, friends, colleagues, kapitbahay, watch the show, which, i guess, means that even if these people do vote, their votes won't make much of a difference in light of the heavy voting some contestants are getting.

often, i ask myself why i even bother watching philippine idol. i mean, i just saw jeli mateo's performance of 'paglisan' and it was such a god awful mess. (it was especially hard for me to listen because 'paglisan' happens to be one of my most favorite songs ever, and i really like the rawness and vulnerability with which cookie chua sang it.) let me put this in perspective, i'm not exactly the type of person who can make judgments about singing ability, quality of voice, etc (i myself couldn't sing if my life depended on it--though i try, haha), but i knew, in this case, her rendition was really horrible. i mean, she was all over the place and didn't seem to know what to do with the song. i also didn't like how she kept closing her eyes and gesticulating with her free hand. it was probably her way of showing emotion, but to me, it was just awkward. it was the picture of someone trying very hard to reach the notes and failing miserably.

and i can't even begin to talk about ken dingle's version of 'ligaya.' somebody shoot this guy already and put him (and me) out of his (my) misery.

Jolted

2007-10-30T23:00:00.001+08:00

Originally posted on my Friendster blog on 11 October 2006.

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here's something i found while googling stuff for the transcription bit of my research. i didn't think something like this would pop out, and was quite taken aback, jolted in fact, after reading it. i've been so focused on methodology and design and objectivity issues all this time i forgot about those things that cannot be captured in transcription, those that i probably won't be able to be objective about, try as i might. i know this is not exactly the kind of thing i'll be transcribing, but nevertheless, i think it's worth thinking about. here it is:

The transcriber speaks

I was the commission's own captive,
Its anonymous after-hours scribe,
Professional blank slate.
Word by word by word
From winding tape to hieroglyphic key,
From sign to sign, I listened and wrote.
Like bricks for a kiln or tiles for a roof
Or the sweeping of leaves into piles for burning:
I don't know which:
Word upon word upon word.
At first unpunctuated
Apart from quotations and full stops.
But how to transcribe silence from tape?
Is weeping a pause or a word?
What written sign for a strangled throat?
And a witness pointing? That I described,
When officials identified direction and name.
But what if she stared?
And if the silence seemed to stretch
Past the police guard, into the street
Away to a door or a grave or a child,
Was it my job to conclude:
"The witness was silent. There was nothing left to say"?

-Ingrid de Kok

Back

2007-10-30T22:56:00.000+08:00

Originally posted on my Friendster blog on 09 October 2006.

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just got back from some much-needed r&r, and also, a bit of research. i'm not exactly glad to be back to the daily grind, but i guess, i can't really complain, as i've had my break--and i've to say it was just perfect. here's why:

1. i got to visit some new places, one a garden, the other a cafe, and tried, well, flowers for food. i don't think i'll make a habit of it, but, i realized flowers aren't so bad--when they're mixed in with other kinds of things, that is. hehe. whatever. the flowers were good.

2. i got treated to a kundiman serenade over dinner, and simply loved it. the man singing was old and didn't look like a professional singer, which, to me, made his singing somehow more real and heartfelt. he was singing as if he really knew how it was to love and lose and love again.

3. i got to sleep in starched linen that felt and smelled so good i never wanted to get out of bed. i don't know if it was the linen, or maybe it was just the fact that my 1st comprehensive exam was over, or a combination of both perhaps, but i was finally able to sleep without waking up every 15 minutes or so. for the first time in a long time, i woke up refreshed and cheerful--and ready for more flowers. hehe.

4. i also got to taste the best hot chocolate and peanut butter cookies ever. the hot chocolate was just the right bittersweet; it also had chocolate bits that would make you stop whatever you were saying or doing, so you could just smile silly and savor the drink (or, in one friend's case, so she could order another pot, hehe). the peanut butter cookies were actually an afterthought--or was it the chocolate muffins, which were, ahm, good, but not remarkable? anyway, the cookies were huge and moist and so peanut-y we immediately regretted not buying more than the one bag that we did and made a promise to come back if only for the cookies.

5. i was given a classic didion, an artemis fowl, and 2 books written by bob ong. this means i got some new books that are not at all school-related. yay!

but i guess, more than all these, it was the quiet and peace and slowness of the whole thing that made this break truly remarkable for me. now, as for the research bit, i finally got the stuff i needed, and nothing and nobody could stop me now. hahaha. seriously, i was able to do some work in between the sleeping and eating and lazing around. i was actually surprised i got a few things done. nothing major, but enough to keep this week, and perhaps, a bit of the next, less hectic. at least, that's what i'm hoping for.

oh, and some good news: i managed to pass my 1st comprehensive exam, despite failing to resolve structural ambiguities through a common enough exercise in syntax: tree diagramming (i know, i know, ma'am flores won't be too happy to know about this), and despite explaining the notion of minimal pairs in terms of presence and absence (whatever, it's still a binary, and i like presences and absences!). so congratulations to me! but it's not over yet; i'm on to the 2nd, which is scheduled on 1 nov. when i told my brother, he jokingly said they'd include me in their prayers back home. (my family usually says a litany of all saints' day prayers. ) i have a little over three weeks to prepare for the exam, and the reading list is more than i can possibly read in half a year, that is, if i really keep at it, so i say, whatever helps.

I Carry Your Heart

2007-10-30T22:49:00.000+08:00

Originally posted on my Friendster blog on 12 September 2006.

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this goes to the caterpillar who gets another stripe today:

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

--ee cummings

Nim Chimpsky

2007-10-30T22:47:00.000+08:00

Originally posted on my Friendster blog on 10 September 2006.

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just a little something which i thought was hilarious. as i read through the chapter on animal language in yule's introductory book 'the study of language,' i learned that there was once a chimpanzee named nim chimpsky who was taught sign language. nim chimpsky is, of course, a play on 'noam chomsky,' which happens to be the name of this great american linguist (who changed the course of modern linguistics with the publication of his tranformational-generative theory of language in the 1960s--haha). i wonder if chomsky knows about the existence of nim. probably not, since chomsky, who is not at all concerned with how language is used by humans, probably won't care about how it is used by chimps or if chimps have the capacity for it all. in fact, i believe chomsky also said that the language faculty is uniquely human, so, there, that definitely crosses nim out. poor chimp.

coming back to nim, he was actually able to learn and use sign language, but not to the extent that humans are able to employ it. this means he produces mostly short words and mainly for the purpose of getting rewards (now, isn't this the purpose for humans as well? haha). when he comes up with long structures, it is often a combination of the short words he has already acquired and without any expansion. in addition, he is unable to initiate communication; he just basically responds to those around him. nim is actually one of the many experiments that try to teach animals language. i think the most popular one is the experiment with the chimp called washoe. anyway, given the results of these experiments, it seems chomsky is right that indeed the language faculty is only for humans.

i know i should be getting more from my reading than chimps learning sign language and word plays like nim chimpsky. but this revision process is just so tedious that i guess i just take from it whatever i can. also, with terms and concepts such as [+ - voice] labio-dental fricatives and high, back vowels, phrase structure rules and tree diagrams, hyponymy and entailments, diglossia and speakers' choices, and linguistic variation and social stratification, nim chimpsky is a breath of fresh air. i'd like to think this is all going to stop once i'm done with my exam on thursday, but the thursday exam is actually just the first of a series. there's one more in november and another in december. yay! not.

but i guess i really just have to push myself and start looking at this in a different light. it's probably for my own good to go back to the basics anyway and learn about other things as well. i mean, the problem sometimes is, we go to the higher processes right away when there's still so much grounding that needs to be done in terms of the basic principles. for instance, critiquing chomky's tg when you don't even know what a phrase structure rule is, or doing critical discourse analysis when you can't even begin to explain what discourse means is hardly ideal. or sometimes, people get so specialized they begin to think only their own work matters. they fail to see the interesting things happening in other fields and the interconnections between what they and others are doing. and if these two don't work, i guess i can just always think that, in certain company, saying 'voiced alveo-palatal affricate' to refer to the initial sound in the word 'judge' can increase one's level of desirability (although i'm afraid to imagine what kind of company this is, haha).

alright, that's enough prompting for me in a day. i really should go back to my reading now. i just have to, in the words of the mighty tim gunn, 'carry on!'

One Girl's Journey in this Gendered Terrain

2007-10-30T22:45:00.000+08:00

Originally posted on my Friendster blog 31 August 2006.

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done, done, done! it wasn't fantastic, but i did my job, and i think, all things considered, it went down pretty well. so here it is, this thing i put together for this thing that i had to do early today. and, oh, it goes to the caterpillar who pulled and kept me together while i almost broke down at the bus stop this morning. (i was already 15 minutes late, it was raining like it never rained before, all the cabs were hired, and it was perhaps one of the most important things i had to do this term.)

"i know it's all very general, but i was given 10 minutes, so it was hard to deal with specifics."

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i think my thoughts about gender began when i was about 9 or 10. of course, at that time, i didn’t know what the concept of gender was or that my thoughts actually meant something in terms of a bigger picture. they were just thoughts, and, often, they didn’t last for very long. for instance, i’d wonder why my brother and male cousins were allowed to play outside with their toy soldiers and toy guns until late in the evening, while my female cousins and i were often asked to stay inside the house as we played with our dolls, and if we ever ventured outside, we were almost always called to get back in right away. i’d wonder, too, why i had to wear dresses to church, while my brother could wear pretty much anything he liked. and in church, i wondered about this man who was always clad in really bright dresses, often in hues of red and orange. whenever i asked my mom about why he was wearing a dress, she would say because he wasn’t right.

there were other things i noticed as i grew older: the way the men in my family would drink and smoke after dinner during family gatherings, while the women fixed up—a kind of division lost to me when i was a kid, but which became a particular concern when, at a certain age, i was called on to help fix up; or how a female friend was said to be a disgrace to her family when she got pregnant out of wedlock, when, in fact, earlier, her brother who got someone pregnant, also out of wedlock, was scolded, but wasn’t seen as a disgrace. however, as i said earlier, these were just thoughts, and they didn’t last for very long.

when i went to university, i met a girl who called herself a feminist and attended a class where the teacher said a gendered framework would be used in our reading of texts. i believe it was in the course of these interactions that my earlier thoughts about gender resurfaced, but this time, they lasted and sought explanation. so i realized that the things i thought about when i was much younger didn’t just happen in my family; they happen in a lot of families. i found out that boy and girls are socialized differently, assigned different roles and expectations, and expected to look and behave in different ways. i learned about double standards and how they manifest in laws, institutional policies, in the stories i read, even in the advertisements i see every day. i acquired a term for people who deviate from society’s gender ascriptions and the penalty they are forced to pay for doing so. much more, i began to see how all these, most unfortunately, often translate to violence—may it be physical, emotional, or sexual—committed against women, often by men.

angered by these realizations of gender discrimination and inequalities, high on this newfound awareness, and wanting so badly to make a difference, i turned to a more systematic study of gender. i enrolled in classes on gender theory and representations of women’s bodies, read on different kinds of feminism and discussed each one nonstop with whomever would care to listen, and wrote almost always with a defined gendered lens and some kind of political agenda for class projects. i had thought, once i had mastered the field, things would change. i thought by then i would have understood everything about the gender issues that confronted me and those around me. i thought by then i would have been able to offer some kind of explanation or a particular framework that would somehow resolve these issues and make things a better place for women, and perhaps for men as well. at that time, i was so ready and raring to change the world.

flashforward to today.

i’d have to say that while i did learn so much more about—and most times experienced firsthand—patriarchy, sexism, gender inequalities, and the many ways by which they manifest in the world, i can’t say that i have mastered the field, much less changed the world. while gender studies has given me frameworks, methodologies, a set of tools, to interpret, examine, and challenge the inequalities i see, it has not given me a single, definitive theory that would make things right. while gender studies has given me a nuanced awareness of the workings of gender in society and how they are used to maintain social order and various kinds of oppression, it doesn’t mean i have begun to understand everything.

i remember one gender theory class i had where a classmate and i would just get really depressed after every lecture. we were beginning to see that the more we read and got ourselves involved in all these issues, the more complex they became. first off, it’s not just gender. gender interacts with other social categories as well, such as age, ethnicity, class, socioeconomic status, so gender cannot be examined in isolation, as it is bound up with all these other things. second, the way gender oppression and sexual discrimination work is not exactly visible; they work in subtle and insidious ways, and are most times so institutionalized we don’t even see they’re there. finally, gender itself is a category that is not fixed nor constant; it is a construct, and like all constructs, it evolves. as such it demands new ways of seeing, new methodologies, new tools. in the end, i learned, and these are perhaps the most important lessons of all, that it’s all very complicated, and there are no simple answers, and it can be quite frustrating.

i think i had been this really idealistic, sorely mistaken young girl back then with my thoughts of girl power and changing the world and solving all the world’s problems. today, i’d like to think i’m still idealistic, but i hope i’m not mistaken anymore. i know now that i cannot change the world, and, really, i no longer care for that. what i care for now is just plodding through and doing the work that i have set out to do, and perhaps it will translate to some change, no matter how slight, in my own little corner of the world. what i care for now is making sure that my work is grounded in my own positionality as a filipino woman with my harsh philippine realities, on the one hand, and the academic field in which i have chosen to do my work, on the other. finally, i just take comfort in the fact that what i do is part of a bigger and stronger effort, within that broad category gender studies, which, may, years and years and years from now, just lead to the changes and reforms we’ve all been hoping for.

The Weakness In Me

2007-10-30T22:43:00.000+08:00

Originally posted on my Friendster blog on 24 August 2006.

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i’m not the sort of person who falls in and quickly out of love but to you i gave my affection right from the start i have a lover who loves me how could i break such a heart yet still you get my attention why do you come here when you know i’ve got troubles enough why do you call me when you know i can’t answer the phone make me lie when i don’t want to and make someone else some kind of an unknowing fool you make me stay when i should not are you so strong or is all the weakness in me why do you come here and pretend to be just passing by when i mean to see you and i mean to hold you tightly feeling guilty worried waking from tormented sleep this old love has me bound but the new love cuts deep if i choose now i’ll lose out one of you has to fall and i need you and you why do you come here when you know i’ve got troubles enough why do you call me when you know i can’t answer the phone and make me lie when i don’t want to and make someone else some kind of an unkowing fool you make me stay when i should not are you so strong or is all the weakness in me why do you come here and pretend to be just passing by when i mean to see you and i mean to hold you tightly
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i've been listening to this song over and over for a few days now. in fact, i have created a special playlist on my itunes for the two versions of this song--the original by joan armatrading and the one by melissa etheridge--and spent a considerable amount of time on youtube looking for videos/clips where it has been used. i can't really explain why i am so into the song, so i won't even try. it just really does something to me is all.

Reunion Show

2007-10-30T22:37:00.000+08:00

This is my very first blog ever. Posted it 20 August 2006 on my Friendster blog.

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i just saw the reunion show of the project runway season 2 cast. god, the show was hilarious. i was laughing the whole time and wishing the show wouldn't end (this despite a really terrible headache and some eye-twitching on the side). i didn't know the season 2 designers were so funny, funnier even than the season 1 designers, until i saw the show. all the while, i thought they were rather grim and hardcore, based on the episodes i saw, which, for some reason, always had santino ranting and talking back to the judges. also, in the episodes i saw, the designs were rather lame compared to the season 1 creations. i realized i didn't see the episodes where the designers were having fun and the designs were actually awesome (i have to say kara saun, jay, and austin still rule, though!).

i didn't see all the episodes, because when season 2 started airing here in singapore, i left for the philippines to do my field work--yes, school always gets in the way. hehe. at that time, season 2 was actually airing in the philippines, on discovery travel and living, i think; however, i was never really home to see the show. when i got back here, the season was almost at its end--thus, the reunion show. it's a real bummer not to have seen so many episodes, but at least, i'll get to see the last two shows. and of course, olympus fashion week. yay! by the way, season 3 has started airing, too, and this time, i'm updated. all i can say is thank god for youtube.

coming back to the reunion show, i really loved the montage where the designers, santino and nick especially, were singing ala broadway. they were singing about daniel f, who i think at that time just got eliminated, and the possibility of his returning for season 3. (daniel f could be quite creepy. when he was asked if he would return for season 3, he said he just might, then he said, 'i love you, heidi.' heidi, i think, tried very hard to keep a straight face. that was just weird.) aside from that musical montage, santino's spiel/tim gunn impersonation 'what happened to andrae?' was just brilliant. santino basically created this story about tim gunn and andrae having some kind of affair, and it was just crazy, especially when footage of tim gunn asking after andrae was shown as santino was narrating the so-called affair. there was also footage of daniel v bending over with laughter and chloe laughing so hard she had tears in her eyes while this was going on.

but the best really was andrae's montage. i had always thought he was rather volatile and overly expressive. for example, in one of the episodes i saw, zulema asked for a walk-off, which, well, evoked a lot of different emotions from the designers, but the expression on andrae's face was priceless: his mouth opened real wide, and his eyes went wild, and it was like that for a long time he looked just a little bit insane. in the reunion show, they showed a montage of andrae with all these crazy expressions on his face. apparently, the camera captured each and every one of them. hehe. then there was the clip of his meltdown at the runway that lasted for about 10 minutes. i read somewhere he had a meltdown, but i didn't know it lasted that long. the judges obviously didn't know how to react to him and, i think, they weren't sure if it was for real. heidi actually pointed that out; she said that since andrae was from los angeles, they weren't sure whether it was real or he was just acting. i don't have any opinion on that. all i know is the last thing he said (very tearfully) sort of touched me: 'i know it's just clothes, but it's also my life.' god, i love andrae. he's just so funny.

i'm really excited to see the final show. originally, i was unhappy with santino being part of the final 3 (i had wanted nick), but after seeing the reunion show, i thought it's just right that he's part of the finale, because he makes good tv. thing is i never really liked santino's designs. they're too out there for me. but i'm not really a fashion person, so what do i know, right? oh well. anyway, i'm looking forward to seeing chloe's and daniel v's collection.

Back Again

2007-10-30T22:19:00.000+08:00

So I'm here again after almost a year. And this time, I'm sticking, or at least I hope I will. Hehe. To show my sincerity, I will now transfer all my blog posts from other places, and make this place feel a little bit like home.

Fence-Sitting

2006-11-20T12:27:00.000+08:00

i picture a young girl, sitting on a fence, legs spread apart, knees jutting out to two different directions, trying mightily hard not to fall off. i see her hair up in a ponytail, her uncomfortable body in a crisp white shirt and torn, fading jeans, and her face attempting what looks like a smile. she fishes out a cigarette from somewhere, lights it, inhales, lets the smoke out, and her eyes follow its billows in the air. the image stops here, because if i continue, she falls off to one side or the other, perhaps tired of the balancing act, or maybe because of a cramp, or blown away perhaps by a particularly strong wind or, maybe, on her own volition, realizing nothing will happen if she stays there. i don't like seeing that girl, so young and fresh, fall off. i want her to stay on the fence, no matter how uncomfortable it gets, basking in her youth and freshness.

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the image of a fence sitting girl has long been on my mind. i think it has to do mostly with my fascination with fence sitting, a term and concept often seen as a negative thing. i understand why the term is loaded with negative connotations. for one, not taking a side usually translates to being indecisive, to not having a backbone, to being a coward. it is also often seen as a sign of apathy or indifference or flakiness. to some, not taking a side suggests a particular brand of opportunism where the fence sitting person is actually waiting for the majority decision before she makes her own. and, finally, on a more practical level, not taking a side simply means not getting things done; it means inefficiency, ineffectiveness.

there is another kind of fence sitting, however, which i think does not mean any of the things above. it's the one where a person does not take a side, because she wants time and space to make sense of the different positions laid out before her. it means exploring possibilities and alternatives, and not settling with an either/or position simply because it is what people in general demand. it means not being carried away by the strong currents of popular opinion. it means being brave and bold to stay in the middle, even if it means getting hit by the traffic coming from both sides. ultimately, i think it is about looking at and examining different truths and realities, and weighing them--constantly weighing them, because truths and realities are never fixed. they are always contingent on the circumstances surrounding them and which they have, in fact, also created.

thus, the image of the fence sitting girl.